By Teresa Jusino
I, like many ladies of my generation, have dabbled in online dating. I’ve never paid for it – sorry, eHarmony and Match.com – because I don’t believe in paying for something that I could just as easily do on my own and be out and about in the world. However, I’ve definitely put up my fair share of free profiles on those sites, and I’ve been active on sites like OKCupid.com, which I enjoy because it’s free, geared more toward the Under-35 demographic, and it works a bit like Pandora in that its algorithm continually generates profile recommendations for you based on your choices and ratings.
I’ve never gotten very far with online dating. I’ve been on several dates, but they’ve never gone anywhere, and it’s gotten me thinking. One of the problems with online dating is the fact that filling out a profile means that you will be matched with people who are interested in what you’re interested in. This doesn’t sound like it should be a problem, but let me explain.
I have a profile on OKCupid, and in it I mention that I’m a geek girl who’s into comics, sci-fi, etc. So all it’s done is send guys my way who are into those things. Those things, and nothing else. I’m someone who appreciates people’s differences. I enjoy it when a guy has a different life experience than I do so that we have something to offer each other. I want to be with someone who has something to teach me about life and the world, so if a guy is passionate about being a trader in the stock market, or being a farmer, or being an EMT, or an artist, I want to know about it. I find that interesting. The problem I’ve discovered about getting geek guy-only profiles is that the interactions tend to go something like this:
* Guy sends ice-breaker email and asks what comics/sci-fi TV shows/films I like.
* I reply answering his questions asking him same.
* He responds, discussing his geeky faves at length.
* I answer humorously, then try to shift conversation elsewhere.
* He gives one/two word answers to my questions about his life, then proceeds to make
geeky references.
* Repeat.
At that point, my decision is: do I want to try going out with this guy to see if his conversation is better in person? Or do I not want to bother? The thing is, I don’t need to date someone to have geeky conversation. I have geeky friends for that. When looking for a guy to date what I want to know is, “What else have you got?” I’ve got other things going on, and so should you.
Now, I know plenty of geeky people who are dating other geeks, and whose individual geekery is either complimentary to their partner’s, or very evenly matched. Like, the dude is into film and the chick is a tech geek. Or the dude is into comics and the chick is into anime. It can work! I see that. But those geek couples out there combined with my interactions with geeks in the dating world make me realize something about myself:
I don’t want to be half of a geek couple.
Maybe it’s the feminist in me who doesn’t want to be in a geek couple and have everyone assume that my boyfriend got me into the things I like. Maybe I’m just really stubborn. But the fact is, I really enjoy geekiness being “my thing.” It defines me. This might be silly, but I enjoy being one of the few people among my friends who really loves comics, or Star Trek, or Doctor Who. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who enjoy those things, and I love talking to them about who the best starship captain is, or what we expect from the next season of Caprica. But I also enjoy taking a break from those things. I enjoy being the “gateway geek” for my non-geek friends. They might never be as into sci-fi as I am, but I know that I’ve gotten them into certain things that they’ve enjoyed and never would’ve known about had it not been for me.
And so, rightly or wrongly, if I’m in a relationship, I want to be the geek in it. I want to bring the geekiness, and have the guy I’m dating bring me something totally unrelated, or unexpected. I don’t want to be half of a geeky whole. Anyone feel like me? I’d love to hear from you. Anyone in a geeky couple want to tell me the advantages of dating a fellow geek? I want to hear from you, too!
However, this desire of mine to wear the Geek Pants in my relationships isn’t stopping me from taking advantage of Speed Dating at New York Comic Con this year. You read that right! There’s going to be speed-dating at NYCC! The pre-registration is already filled, but you can just show up and register the day of. I’ll be reporting on that in a later column. I’m giving it a whirl, because despite everything, I feel like the more you put yourself out there to interact with people IRL, the greater your chances of meeting someone nice. Or at least meeting someone to fool around with during a comic con. That works, too.
Teresa Jusino was born on the same day that Skylab fell. Coincidence? She doesn’t think so. Her “feminist brown person” take on pop culture has been featured on websites like ChinaShopMag.com, Tor.com, Newsarama, and PopMatters.com,. She is currently working on several fiction projects, including a web series for Pareidolia Films called The Pack, which she hopes to debut at the beginning of 2011! Get Twitterpated with Teresa, Follow The Pack or visit her at The Teresa Jusino Experience.
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TERESA JUSINO was born on the same day that Skylab fell. Coincidence? She doesn't think so. As a writer, her work has appeared in Elmont Life newspaper, and on the sadly defunct website, CentralBooking.com. She is a founding member and editor of The Revolving Door Commune Blog, is currently at work on a collection of short stories, and is writing a web series for Pareidolia Films called The Pack, which is set to debut this fall! As a geek, Teresa loves all Star Trek, Lost, Fringe, comics, and anything Joss Whedon, Brian K. Vaughan, and Neil Gaiman ever touched. She is also an aspiring fangbanger. 
Maybe in my case the gender bias is not such an issue – we're both women, so there's no perception that the man is the geek and the woman is arm-candy – but I can't imagine dating a non-geek. A geek who likes different geeky things, sure – my girlfriend and I don't have totally overlapping interests – but someone who understands my mindset is really vital. What things will you do together if you have no shared interests? A lot of couples seem to have a sort of gender apartheid in their homes – no overlap in interests, hobbies or activities – and I really don't understand it.
I was being really hetero-centric, wasn't I?
I wasn't saying, though, that there shouldn't be shared interests – but do they have to be geeky ones? There are things that I love that have nothing to do with geekdom. I just find that online dating isn't conducive to finding the guys who love THOSE things, because it reduces you to fit you into a category that will link you to other profiles that are your "matches" to try and boost their success rate.
So really, this wasn't a rant against geek relationships, per se. More against how limiting online dating is. Plus, I'm way social, and I'd rather meet guys in person.
See, I find this interesting, because I am a life-long multidisciplinary geek (tv, movies, books, comics) who married a techie and I got him into Star Trek, Dr Who and comics. In return, I have gained a new appreciation for animation and now know gaming platforms and major game stories. I can't imagine not sitting at the breakfast table and discussing BPRD or contrasting Lois Lanes across platform or rating Halo Reach. We've discovered that there is something in each media for everyone's taste and it has really expanded my world. We know when it is time to leave each other alone to geek out and when it is time to curl up together and share. I couldn't imagine not having that.
I am LOVING the responses to this so far! I hope anyone who reads this will read my replies above and see that I'm not completely ANTI dating geeks. I just prefer the things we have in common to be less about the THINGS we're interested in doing, and more the TYPES OF PEOPLE we are. There is a distinction there. So, while I don't need the guys I date to know anything about comics, I DO need them to be people who don't look DOWN on comics as a medium, you know?
By the way, I came across a fabulous response to this column on Twitter by a woman named Sarah in Cleveland (@sadukie). In it, she writes about how great it is to be half a geek couple. And she would know! She's been married to her fabulous geeky husband for 6 years! Lucky girl.
http://www.codinggeekette.com/post/Half-a-Geek-Co…
She also brought up a good point. That through online dating, I'm brushing up against a certain KIND of geek guy. The kind who's not particularly good at being social or talking about anything other than geekiness. I hope that things like the Speed Dating event at NYCC will expose me to the kind of geek guy that's more my speed!
My cats are insanely jealous of your cat's name.
I agree Teresa, having once been half of a geek couple, and not now, because it wasn't about my being accused of like X or getting into Y because of him, but the constant intense debate over whose geek obsessions were more "valid" (ie better) I will probably never watch BSG because of the disdain my ex had for Buffy. And even though my current boyfriend doesn't understand why I dress up like a Hogwarts student or (fill in random geeky thing I do) he does love that I am passionate about it and doesn't stop me from it. THAT is what you really want to find…someone who allows you and loves you for you
I had the same problem with OkCupid. And they did this IceBreaker thing where they would pop up and say "You like Neil Gaiman! 'this person' likes Neil Gaiman too! Discuss." And then I get tons of messages from guys about Doctor Who, or gaming, or Buffy and its very impersonal. Also I have in my profile that I'm a gamer and then these gamer dudes whose whole life is Halo of WoW message me.
That's not necessarily always a bad start, but it is a bit shallow.
I would, however, love to be part of one of those complementary geek couples. Maybe online dating just doesn't work most of the time, no matter who you are.