Revisiting A Special Christmas

As a special holiday gift to you (and because I’m feeling lazy after spending hours compiling next week’s Fictional Femmes of 2011 extravaganza), I’d like to share a a special Christmas story that we originally ran four years ago.

Ask an Amateur Scienist: Global Warming

By Brian Thompson – So it’s the middle of October. A dark and gloomy night. I’ve been up past one in the morning browsing the internet for information, pornography, and information about pornography. (Findings: It’s sexy.) I thought my office would be celebrating Christopher Columbus’ bludgeoning of little brown people by allowing everyone to stay home and catch up on their stories, otherwise I would have bumped up my porno schedule. Turns out I was wrong about the office holiday. Apparently my bosses are Leif Ericson fans. And worse, my dog woke me up to take her outside at 4:30am.

An Amateur Scientist Recession Special

Brian Thompson, the Amateur Scientist in: How to Get a Deal on a New Car! – This column’s going to be a little different than usual. Instead of telling you why you shouldn’t believe in something and occasionally dropping a joke about genitals and/or Babylon 5, I’m going to tell you how not believing in something got me a deal on a new car. And here you were thinking skepticism was about as useful as a penis on a Vree.

Ask an Amateur Scientist: The Ghost Cat

By Brian Thompson I. The Setup – I don’t have anything against cats. It’s just that I’m deathly allergic to them. And I hate their guts. But I completely understand why they’ve become the unofficial pet of all the Internet. Sure, the web has opened up to most of us in the developed world by now. Any moron with a few hundred bucks and tiny, inbred fingers can trot down to Best Buy and pick up a netbook.

Ask an Amateur Scientist: 
Indigo Children

By Brian Thompson – Back in 2006, comic actress and former professional nude person Jenny McCarthy started a website called IndigoMoms.com. It was meant to be a gathering place for mothers of so-called “indigo children”, where they could talk amongst themselves and help each other cope with the day-to-day problems and pleasures of rearing the next stage of human evolution. Also, they could buy crystal healing necklaces.

Ask an Amateur Scientist
: Cupping



By Brian Thompson

I. The Setup

“Actress” Gwyneth Paltrow recently turned up to a movie premiere in a dress with a low cut back. That seems innocent enough, right? I mean, she’s a celebrity, so her back muscles and back skin are necessarily more beautiful and luminescent than a mere mortal’s. Why not show off a little spinal cleavage? But for maybe the first time in her life, her physical appearance elicited the same kind of reaction normally reserved only for her performances. Namely: “What the…? Who hired this person?”

Ask an Amateur Scientist
: The Snuggie

By Brian Thompson

I. The Setup

See, the thing about the Snuggie is that it really does address a common issue. Most “as seen on TV” products spend the better part of their advertising convincing you an activity that never bothered you before is now somehow a plague on your life. Sick and tired of straining to reach a light switch? Why not try the Clapper? Fed up with the hassle of deciding in advance that you’d like to go fishing, then subsequently bringing your fishing pole to a body of water? Have a Pocket Fisherman!

Ask an Amateur Scientist: 
Unicorns

By Brian Thompson

I. The Setup

Look, I know that no one believes unicorns are real.

Okay, very few people believe unicorns are real. And at renaissance fairs, those percentages probably skew a little higher.