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Apocalypse Closet: Resort 2015

“Resort means nothing. Who buys clothes exclusively for going to a resort?” Asked Oscar de la Renta as he presented his resort collection. I love anyone who taunts the hand that feeds them. And, for this season, the most conspicuously consumerist of all the seasons, Oscar de la Renta even has some clothes I like. Which is a first since that blue Barbie ball gown I bought with my allowance back in 198cough.

oscar de la renta barbieBut, we’ll get to Oscar.

Now, let’s talk about what cowards wealthy people are!

Seriously. You have an obscene amount of money and are getting ready for vacation. Or just for a drive to the store. Which, of course, you won’t actually go into yourself. Rather, you’ll send your tertiary security chief up with your chef’s apprentice while you participate in a richly deserved private pilates session. Technically, your servants shopping counts as you shopping.

And what are you going to wear on vacation? A pair of sensible white trousers with a blazer and low heel? HA!

Well, yes. That’s exactly what you’ll wear. Because you’re not an animal. And it does so matter what you’re wearing while languishing in Hvar and face the possibility of running into that woman. You just don’t understand how the poor can stand it. All of them shopping at this place called Target or, bah!, Wal-Mart.

Did I take that a little too far? DON’T CARE!

I’m actually offended by how boring the Resort 2015 season has been. If you’re going to be rich, be rich. The rest of us know the difference between a $800 pair of khaki shorts and the $20 pair we all get from Old Navy, OK? You’re not hiding anything. Trust me, when we come to eat you, you’re going to be easy to spot no matter what you do.

So, let’s start with Chanel!

chanel resort 2015 5 chanel resort 2015 chanel resort 2015 3
chanel resort 2015 6 chanel resort 2015 2 chanel resort 2015 4

That is some first class, Sixties Star Trek inspired stuff right there. I’ve had my doubts about Karl Lagerfeld taking over at Chanel, but I’m starting to think he’s trolling his own clients. Especially now that he’s putting them in HAREM PANTS. He’s saying society is experiencing a similar upheaval as what was experienced in the 1960s and also his clients are whores. So, that.

Chanel’s client is obviously going on vacation to the 1960s. Where is Herve Leger’s client going? BURNING MAN FESTIVAL….ON ARRAKIS!

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Herve Leger by Max Azria

Now, Oscar. The Oscar de la Renta client is vacationing……probably someplace tasteful and chic that isn’t part of the Buck Rogers-verse AT ALL. But, I do love that flower cage gown and the gilded romper with the weird, cylindrical bust is the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen him do.

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Oscar de la Renta

Let’s wrap up with a few one-offs!

SKY CAPTAIN, LARA CROFT, AND SKATER SITH!

marc by marc jacobs resort 2015 b balenciaga resort 2015 alexander wang resort 2015
Marc by Marc Jacobs Balenciaga Alexander Wang

LITTLE HOUSE ON THE SPACE PRAIRIE AND…….a really cool dress that I would totally wear.

ADEAM resort 2015 tanya taylor resort 2015
ADEAM Tanya Taylor

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