Apparently, becoming the Dark One not only fixed Rumpy’s screwed up leg, but also bestowed him with badass sword skills.
And ripping-hearts-out-of-chests skills.
I really dislike Rumpy stories when he’s pre-Dark One. Nice Guy Rumpy is….well…
Ugh.
OK, I’ll say it: he’s lame.
He’s lame and not in the ableist sense of the word. Lame like Nice Guy Rumpy is a sad sack. He’s down on himself. Everyone around him is down on him too, and he sops it up. It must have been such a drag to be married to that guy. His wife is no prize either, war mongering nag that she is.
So, when Captain Hook and his dreamy eyeliner swashbuckled into town, of course she ran off with him. Who wouldn’t? I mean, look:
The Dreamiest Pirate
And look:
Hook smolders so hard is eyeliner is melting.
When Hook shared the screen with Dark One Rumpy, I damn near melted on the sofa.
I’ll take that sandwich with sriracha mayo.
How many fairytale monsters are going to turn out to by Rumpy? So far, he’s been pegged as Beauty and The Beast’s Beast and Peter Pan’s crocodile.
So, I guess Hook and Rumpy won’t be re-enacting this scene?
Meanwhile, in Storybrooke, Charming mines for fairy dust because he spent all summer at the gym and needs to show off those guns.
Blue Steel
Just like Zoolander:
And Belle flits around town in the cutest lace dress.
No one can find her even though there’s like one restaurant in town and no where to go. These are all the things you can do in Storybrooke:
- Shop at the pawn shop.
- Eat at the diner.
- Crash your car at the edge of town.
That’s it. It should take like ten minutes to find a missing person in Storybrooke. Then again, Charming was in a coma for 15 years and his wife couldn’t find him even though she lived across the street from the hospital.
Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
