Letters from A Concerned Zombie: Dear Ann Romney

 Dear Ann Romney,

Congratulations on your human performance at the Republican National Convention. You actually made the 1% think that the 99% thinks you really set foot in a Costco. Brav. O.

Don’t get me wrong, Ann. I hate your guts, so long as they are actually inside your stomach and not inside my mouth.

Also, you may want to address the movement of your face from the eyebrows up. That upper head paralyzation detracts from verisimilitude of your performance. But you did better than Mitt has ever done. You pulled off human. While your husband…can’t.

You know those Rage victims in 28 Days Later? They had more humanity than Mitt Romney.

You know The Stepford Wives? They had more humanity than Mitt Romney.

You know the android from Alien and Aliens? He had more humanity than Mitt Romney.

I can’t quite determine if Mitt is a zombie or a robot. Considering humanity’s total suckage in robotics, jet packs, and space exploration in the past decade or so, I’m falling on the side of zombies. Paranormal mush is easier to believe than science. Science can’t even explain why I have to keep eating human flesh even though my digestive system fell out somewhere around Albuquerque.

This zombie can’t quite say the same for you, Ann Romney. You embody a sort of quasi-human womanhood that we’ve only previously seen on Sex and the City. You’re a fantasy; you represent an daydream reality that is totally out of reach for most humans.

I mean, these days your average American is  ten times more likely to get eaten by a zombie than to own a house (much less five mansions) and is a bajillion times more likely to get turned into a zombie than to own a dancing horse or a car elevator.

So, Ann, you can talk about love and working mothers and the price of gas, but we’ll both know it’s just a performance. We’ll both know that you’re actually a lot like me: conspicuously consuming off the pain of others and not really caring.

You, however, probably smell better and ooze less.

Be eating you!

The Concerned Zombie

PS: Stop injecting botulism into your face. It makes faces taste weird.

Zombie Ann Romney created by me using a free online tool.  

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