Game of Thrones: Garden of Bones

By Alexander “Home Skillet” Ko

From vampires, werewolves, and ghosts to dragons! Making a jump with Jenn Kim and taking a crack at the buzzing HBO series, Game of Thrones.

Disclaimer: Having had read through the series in years past, and most recently Dances with Dragons, I adamantly refused to allow myself to re-read the novels. Comparing between the two media is a frustrating fruitless endeavor; it’s like apples and coconuts (or however the saying goes). Given my already spotty memory and one too many scotches, it’s almost like watching a show with a clean slate.

Is there anyone else out there who gets such a stupid kick looking at these fantasyland maps? From the Redwall to the Wheel of Time, it does not fail to awaken the little cartographer in me to visually see what another person’s mind’s eye sees when they plot out these imaginary lands. The show’s introduction of world-panning views gives me an uber-geek thrill. Harrenhall does look like a giant dump, Pyke looks way sweeter than imagined, and Qarth…interesting. On to this week’s episode!

“He’s [Loras Tyrell] been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and he ain’t dead.”

So, apparently it is vast common knowledge that Renly and Loras’ bromance is a full-fledged, blooming romance (Highgarden allusion, zing!). In Westeros, apparently there is no disconnect between homosexuality and the ability to lead men to war, bravo for equality, HBO. More of the Brothers Baratheon (the legitimate pair that is, not Joffrey and Tommen) to come.

“The high road’s very pretty, but you’ll have a hard time marching your army down it.”

Robb keeps winning battles and for anyone’s who’s played sports; winning makes everyone happy and solves all problems. Robb is very much Ned’s son as he strives to maintain his moral high ground and integrity and those fantastic curls. He makes a point to put family first and will not unnecessarily risk putting his sisters in harm’s way; very “big brother” of him. The moral high ground is also a bit of concern when he will begin dealing more directly with the Baratheons and Lannisters who are, understatedly, much less salt-of-the-earth and much more u-g-l-y in character. Also, where is this Robb/Volantis lover story arc going?

“There’s no cure for being a c_ _ t.”

Who said mercenaries didn’t have a sense for the moment? Bronn is slowly working his way into my list of favorite character. The arrogantly, nonchalant, and simple delivery plays nicely off of Tyrion’s verbosity. Joffrey is such little git, literally a son only his mother could love, and after getting slapped in the face by Cersei, that is even debatable. The cowardice knows no bounds, he beats and strips his wife and queen-to-be and then proceeds to do the same to the “present” Uncle Tyrion presents to him.

Coward enough that he orders others to perpetrate his misdeeds; ugly snake. Joffrey’s impotence could not be more strongly portrayed. Tyrion time! What sublime character interplay between him, Joffrey, Bronn, and Ser Meryn is absolutely exquisite especially with Tyrion in delicious control of the situation using that dangerously shank-sharp wit and tongue.

“Born amidst salt and smoke? Is he a ham?!”

Showdown between Renly and Stannis! Much posturing and verbal jabbing as only brothers know how. It was convincing to see younger, upstart Renly run this mouth and run the ol’ chip-on-the-shoulder routine. Stannis as the overbearing older brother who pooh-poohs and discounts the Renly’s boasts; confident he will overcome no matter the odds. Anyone else get chills when Melisandre utters, “The night is dark and full of terrors”? Fantastic tagline! The blood red dress; very ominous.

“She is mother of dragons, you expect her to watch her people starve without breathing fire?”

Across the Narrow Sea: Dany continues to wander in the wilderness with deliverance coming way of Qarth. Close to being denied to starvation, her savior emerges as Xaro Xhoan Daxos (let’s say XXD in the future). Unfortunately, we don’t get to see the dragons this week. How many weeks has it been since we’ve gotten some dragon action? Feels like too long, come on HBO, let’s ramp up the budget and get those dragons some scenes!

Quick thoughts:

1. Is Cersei planning on sleeping with all the males in her family? I mean obviously she’s talented at what she does, but I could think she would be more judicious in her selection. Then again, the Targaryen’s were all for “incest is the best” philosophy.

2. Is Margaery Tyrell raiding Lady Gaga’s closet? WHAT is she wearing?

3. Um, so Melisandre birthing Stannis that shadow-demon? That was a scene I definitely do not ever need to watch again, it was like a perverted The Miracle of Life flashing back to high school health class ::shudder::

4. Petyr Baelish, you really need to work on your timing. Hitting on Catelyn when delivering Ned’s bones is not likely going to get you very far. Bringing up your youthful lustings, even less persuasive. You’d think a wily manipulator would be a little better with women, or perhaps Cat renders Littlefinger tongue-tied.

5. Tywin Lannister, you are badass. Tyrion seems more your son than Jaime or Cersei.

6. Two pairs of breasts counted this week; however, in the context of the storylines, I would not categorize them as strictly gratuitous. Lady Margaery, played by Natalie Dormer formerly of the Tudors, has no problem throwing her top off so I’m sure she along with Carice van Houten (Melisandre) will get the count up in coming weeks. Any mention of winter coming?

If we haven’t touched upon a character or storyline you favor, apologies in advance!