As if Disney didn’t already sell enough princess $h!t, now they’ve brought us National Princess Week, which is blatantly about selling even more princess $h!t at Target.
And it’s hosted by Julie Andrews.
I don’t like Mary Poppins or The Sound of Music. There. I said it. I’ve been holding that in for years. Hate ‘em both.
At least Julie Andrews is making an effort to turn it into a character education thing (in addition to selling some of her Very Fairy Princess stuff) and including activities like “volunteer at a charity,” “support the arts,” and “learn about real princesses and how they don’t just look pretty and get rescued” in her list of 30 Ways to Celebrate National Princess Week (google it – I’m not linking to that).
I know this is all aimed at little girls, but since I’m emotionally stunted, when presented with Julie Andrews’ suggestions princess themed fun, I immediately conceived of a companion list of Evil Queen alternatives for the grown ups.
Princess Themed Fun: Practice your royal wave. Julie says to open your palm and rotate your wrist like you’re screwing in a light bulb.
Evil Queen Alternative: Pretty much the same thing, only instead of rotating your wrist like you’re screwing in a light bulb, you rotate it like you’re opening a bottle of wine. While actually opening a bottle of wine.
Princess Themed Fun: Perfect your curtsey.
Evil Queen Alternative: Perfect your roundhouse kick
Princess Themed Fun: Present someone with an honorary award, like this one:
Evil Queen Alternative: Also present an award, like this one:
Princess Themed Fun: Practice sitting like a princess. Julie says (when wearing a skirt) to cross legs at the ankle, with both legs angled to the side and one foot tucked behind the other.
Evil Queen Alternative: Sit however the hell you want. Throw your leg over the arm of the sofa. Even if you’re wearing a skirt. Especially in summer.
Princess Themed Fun: Bake a princess cake.
Evil Queen Alternative: Bake a princess cake. Eat the head.
Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
If they call Mulan a princess and then show her all sweet and smiling, posing in the clothes she hated at the beginning of the movie, I will lkjzlejrlksemrsekjrkre.
i saw julie andrews on last night’s colbert promoting national princess week, and i kept thinking it would’ve been so much more empowering to girls if she talked about evil queen alternatives.
My youngest gets invited to princess parties all the time. There is a woman dressed up as whichever princess. She hates these events. HATES. The last time she was invited she told me she didn’t want to go because, and I quote, “Sparkles are stupid. Princesses are stupid and it makes me want to punch things.”