A Concerned Zombie’s Guide to Election 2012

The 2012 presidential election has been slightly less dramatic than its 2008 counterpart.  This round, rather than being total open season for both parties, we have an incumbent on one side and a gaggle of out of touch old white men on the other.

Fellow zombies, it may feel safe to sit this one out. To stay home, munching on snack fingers, watching Dancing with the Stars and envying the contestants’ flexibility. Things are looking up overall; however, all it takes to ruin it for everyone are some Fox News viewers with photo ID at the polls.

The American zombie community should still remain vigilantly civic minded. Let’s examine our presidential options and how they may affect our undead horde.

Mitt Romney: Bets $10,000 We Won’t Eat His Pancreas

Mittens won’t be able to tell the difference between you (America’s zombies) and the horde of unemployed/ underemployed pre-dead citizens. He will, however, shake up his Etch-A-Sketch brain in order to produce the promises we want to hear, even if they conflict with his previously stated (and changed)(and changed again) positions. The danger with Romney is that, should the winds of opinion blow in an anti-zombie direction, he’ll happily sick the National Guard on us to curry favor with anti-zombie voting blocks.

Rick Santorum: Friend to Fetuses

“President Santorum” is the worst possible outcome for the zombie community. And for pre-dead humanity in general. “President Santorum” is the worst possible outcome for everyone except heterosexual, Christian (preferably white) fetuses conceived within the bonds of marriage by legal citizens. That’s the narrowest voting block in the history of this country. He will surely set the National Guard on us for not being exactly like him. Steer clear of the sweater vest, undead friends.

Newt Gingrich: Seriously?

In my pre-dead life as a progressive protester in the 1990s, I never imagined that anyone would consider Newt a presidential contender. His moment as frontrunner has passed, but he’s still lingering so we have to address him. As far as I can tell, he’s exactly like Mittens, only without the aged Ken doll looks and with a couple extra wives.

Ron Paul: The GOP’s Ralph Nader

Ahhh, libertarianism, you perfect incubator for zombie contentedness, you. Dr. Paul will never send the National Guard after our undead horde because it would violate the individual’s right to defend himself. There is, however, the entire issue with those racist newsletters. A libertarian/ zombie paradise is a lovely thought, but come on. Get with the program, Dr. Paul. That racist crap isn’t acceptable.

And what about President Obama? 

He’ll probably send the National Guard after us, too. But, at least he’ll be doing it because our zombie uprising is a threat to public safety and not just because we’re different. Or poor. Or women. Or to get votes.

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