Letters from a Concerned Zombie: Dear GOP Candidates

Specifically, Rick Santorum (hello again, buddy) and Newt Gingrich (This is your first time here. Welcome! Help yourself to some bacon bits. Don’t eat them! Sprinkle them on yourself).

Gentleman, the Concerned Zombie has called you here today to discuss something that makes you both terribly uncomfortable, but needs to be addressed.

Ready? OK.

Science.

I do not think this word means what you think it means.

Based on some of your recent statements, it appears that you, Rick and Newt, believe that science is some sort of force of nature like the wind or “the markets” and that those who follow science – called scientists – are a culty, amoral bunch determined to remake humanity to meet their own comic-book/sci-fi inspired idea of awesome.

The other day, Rick Santorum, you said:

“Scientists will go wherever they want to go because they don’t feel any moral constraints.” 

You went on to imply that science and scientists should be regulated, lest they harm humanity. Unlike “the markets”, which should never be regulated and shall be allowed to  freely run amok and destroy lives.

Newt, you were a bit more creative in your condemnation of science:

“Somewhere on this planet there will be a dictatorship that uses science in ways that are truly grotesque. And you’re going to end up, for example, making decisions like can someone participate in the Olympics who is genetically engineered.”

Here I am, Newt, the walking dead.  A scientific conundrum since 1968. And you’re worried about the sanctity of the Olympics.

On the one hand, I’d very much like for you both to keep up your fearful skepticism of all things sciencey because, in the long run, it leads to a stupider population and, in that environment, it’s a lot easier for a zombie such as myself to grab a meal.

On the other hand (which was recently nabbed by a bicyclist and is now hanging at an odd angle), I’d like for you both to learn something – anything – about science because you’re embarrassing yourselves.

That’s the beautiful thing about science. It’s not some arcane knowledge passed down among incense and luxe robes. Anyone who can read can learn some of it. Maybe you should do that.

Be eating you!

Sincerely, 

The Concerned Zombie

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