National Terrorism Advisory System for Geeks

The old color coded Homeland Security Advisory System was woefully inadequate. I mean, “Threat Level Orange?!” What the hell is that supposed to mean. We can’t wear orange? We should drink more juice? And what about mixed-level threats? Where was “Threat Level Plaid,” or “Threat Level Paisley?”

“Threat Level Orange” just made me want to have a popsicle (while barricading the windows and crying (in a manly fashion of course)).

So when Janet Napolitano introduced that the United States was replacing the Homeland Security Advisory System with the new, threat-specific National Terrorism Advisory System, I thought to myself, “Self, there’s a good, well-reasoned approach to public notification.”

But I expect more from the United States’ first self-professed “geeky” president. Barack Obama is a guy who knows his Spider-Man and Conan comics. He once made a dilithium crystal joke about Michelle’s belt buckle. His name even sounds like something straight out of Star Wars (or like something straight out of a Tea Party member’s worst nightmare).

I want a terrorism advisory system that speaks to my geeky interests, that hits us geeks where we live.

Something like this:

1. Threat Level Gungan – More an annoyance than anything else. Casual racism, inappropriate poop jokes. Pretty much business as usual in America.
2. Threat Level Puft (Cloverfield) – Big freaking monster of undetermined/unknown origin. Threat confined to small geographic area. Massive loss of life and property damage projected, but eventual recovery and rescue by special teams will return things to normal.
3. Threat Level Zombie – You’re pretty much on your own here. Don’t expect any help from government agencies. Survivable, but you’re going to have to earn it.
4. Threat Level Galactus – Remember what you had for lunch yesterday? Today, you’re the lunch.