The Vampire Diaries: Daddy Issues

I’ll get this out of the way first thing, because well, it’s seared into my brain and if I don’t get it out, I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else.

NAKED DAMON!! DAMON in a towel! Naked Damon lamenting his bloody nature. Ok. I’m better now.

Over at the Gilbert abode Elena and John are talking about all the things that they seem to have avoided discussing the night before, when he arrived. Who does that? A plot that wants to make sure that unnecessary characters Jenna and Alaric can come in and find out the details. Now she knows that John is Elena’s biological father. No one seems to care that Jeremy is MIA. But why would they in Mystic Falls? Don’t worry, he makes a couple of cameos later.

Before I get into the real story, I think we skipped an episode. Suddenly everyone knows that the moonstone is still around and that Luka and Dad double-crossed everyone. It’s mentioned in passing twice and then set off to pasture. For something that’s so important to the story line, you’d think it would get a little more attention.

There’s a lot of talking in this episode, talk of Rose and John and how to keep Elena safe. It’s nice to see that Damon’s snark hasn’t gone missing. He has some of the best lines of the night.

The real show is basically about Caroline. She informs Stefan that Tyler knows everything and talks him into going to have a chat with their furry friend.

In a nice segue way, Jules tells Tyler that he can Caroline can’t be friends because of their varying supernatural afflictions.

Stefan vamps into Tyler’s life. He just wants to talk, and because we know Stefan, it’s true. He’s like superman with his inability to lie. He tells Tyler to stop being a dick to Caroline since she’s a good friend. He does a good job laying on the love fest and it seems like Tyler is buying it. At least until the phone rings. Love fest is over.

Jules and her furry boyfriend, Brady, have taken Caroline. For a while, I was a bit happy that these two showed up to case trouble. Anything to get us away from the snappiness of Caroline and, useless character number three, Matt.

I was happy, until in a moment that made me sit on the end of my couch, Brady shot Caroline in the head.

They stuff Caroline in a cage. The torture that follows is hard to watch, which, I suppose is the only way torture should be to view. She removes the wooden bullet from her head, only to have Brady shoot her again and again, spray her with vervain, and fill her fill of wooden splinters. Not nice.

Stefan agrees to the exchange, Caroline for Tyler. Then the youngest Salvatore brother calls the more volatile brother. Damon is at the Mystic Grill with Elena, threatening John or something. Jenna, inexplicitly tries to set Damon up with a cute little news reporter, but Damon rudely blows her off.

Damon still wants to kill Tyler, but no one let him. If one more person tells him to be the better man, I’m going to punch them on Damon’s behalf. Since Elena has no sense of self-preservation, Damon gets John to sit on her so she can’t follow. For some reason the little human doesn’t see the danger of going to a vampire/werewolf fight. You’re like a rubber knife in a rocket launcher fight, sweetheart. Next time, use your brain.

Finally we get to the meat of the show. Stefan and Tyler show up to confront Jules. But Damon shows up too. They all want Caroline and for a moment, they think they can take them, with no full moon and all. That is, until Jules shows everyone the ace up her sleeve. A whole back of weapon packing wolves. Touché my dear, well played.

Damon confesses to killing Mason and then tries to take out Jules. Epic fight sense ensues, and it’s a lot of fun to watch. I bet it’s more interesting than a fight between the vampires and completely wolfed out wolves. I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to compare.

During all of this, Tyler wanders to where Caroline is, and after some hesitating, he let her out of her gave. She goes to join the battle, but ends up worse for wear.

In the seconds before our heroes are about to bite it, Jonas (Luka’s dad) shows up and uses his version of a dog whistle on the vamps. Elijah keeps his promises one way or another. He has a message for the wolves. Get the hell out of dodge. It’s nice to have friends in high places, or at least with magical talent.

Stefan takes Caroline home. She says she’s fine, yeah, right. When women say that, it means something completely opposite.

Damon and John chat again. Damon doesn’t trust him, which is completely understandable, but they don’t want to protect Elena. John has a gift, a weapon to kill an original that he got from Isobel. Ash from an oak tree, how frightening.

Caroline is a holy bloody mess. She bailed on Matt, but you know, she was in a cage. Of course she  lies and tells him that she’s with Bonnie. This doesn’t fly since he can see Bonnie from where he is and knows it’s all LIES.

Tyler goes to check on Caroline. He’s upset that they hurt her. She lied to protect everyone and she screams at him for just standing there instead of helping his friends. They are no longer friends. She’s a little pissed, and he’s all remorseful, but come on Tyler, you let them torture her, had to think about letting her out, and then hung around while they were going to kill her. You might not have loyalties to Stefan and Damon, but we are talking Caroline here. She’s got a point, several if you count all the wooden bullets she was shot with.

Finally to the daddy issues of the title. John tells Elena that he’s her father even if she’ll never be her daughter. He gives her something of her mothers. Not Isobel, but Miranda, the mother Elena always knew. It’s a sweet gesture and Elena cries at his words. Good thing that Stefan’s there to console her.

Tyler goes back to Jules and Brady where they swat spit on some alcohol while licking their wounds. Tyler tells them about the moonstone. Stupid moonstone.

Because Stefan isn’t stupid he hauls Bonnie and Elena’s to Caroline’s. She bursts into tears and I almost do too. His smile says it all, enough so that he doesn’t need to mouth “I Love You” to Elena.

We end the episode just as we started it – Damon is naked. Only this time he’s in a bubble bath and he’s not alone. He tells his booty call that he’s in love with someone else. Which doesn’t make her happy. He also tells her that he’s bad and that he kills people, which really sets her on edge. Good thing he compels her not to be afraid.

He likes killing people, you see. It’s in his nature and it’s who he is, but because he’s in love with Elena, and he has to protect and because she wants him to be a better man, he can’t be who he is. The reporter tells him that maybe that’s who he is now because love changes people To shut her up, he eats her. He’ll need another bath when he’s done since he’s sitting in her blood.

On to our dull cliffhanger conclusion: Katherine in her cave looking very much like cavewoman. John has come to see her. Isobel sent him in her stead, but they are working to get her out of the tomb. Yeah, they should have left us with Damon in the tub.

Dawn Del Sontro lives in Virginia with her husband and three children. She’s been working on her best selling novel for so long that when it does come out, it’s going to end the world as we know it. In her spare time, she plays video games to wrack up her headshot count and prepares her family for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. As she likes to tell her friends and family, “Zombieland and World War Z aren’t just entertainment, they are guides for survival. Resident Evil is a prophecy of the future.”

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