By Thera Pitts
Fanboys, how I hate them so. I know what you’re thinking, I’m writing for a genre website, don’t I sort of fit into that category? First of all, no. Second of all, shut up. Fanboys are to geeks what fundies are to Christians: bigoted extremists who can’t be silenced. They turn conventions, message boards and comic shops everywhere into dark, insidious wastelands of douchebaggery. Here are the five behaviors that separate the normal, upstanding geeks of the world with the sweaty, basement dwelling fanboys that make us all look bad.
1. Bragging endlessly about liking something before it was cool
Normal, upstanding geek: Hey did you read the new X-men? It was awesome.
Fanboy: What would you know? You just started reading X-men five years ago, I bet you didn’t even catch the continuity error on page 6.
Normal upstanding geek: Well yeah, but remember they rebooted the series after the last story arc so I don’t think everything from the old continuity applies anymore.
Fanboy: *sigh* you just don’t get it. I guess I’m the only one who liked the X-men before comics went all mainstream.
Everyone wants to feel special and unique, yet many lack the talent and ambition to truly reach that distinction, this is how fanboys are born. Fanboys turn fanaticism into an art form (or at least they think they do), the more obscure their tastes in movies, music and comics the better they can feel about themselves. We’re all guilty of it on some level. Who doesn’t feel a little surge of self-satisfaction when they realize that their favorite entertainment only has 10,000 followers on Facebook? But I’m not talking about the “I’m more culturally with it than you” feelings that a good number of us are mercifully able to keep on the inside. I’m talking about the guys that can’t keep their goddamn mouths shut about how awesome they are for discovering the undiscovered and then taking every opportunity to bitch about the same thing once it gets popular in any way. Popularity is unfortunately what keeps good showrunners, comic creators and musicians going, so if something you like gains the type of following that will keep it on airwaves or shelves then you should at least try to be really freaking happy about it. If there are any fanboys reading that can’t manage that, do me a favor. Go on iTunes and download as many Yanni CDs as you possibly can, and then listen until your ears bleed, because I guarantee you, he will never be cool. You’re welcome.
2. Rivalries
Normal, upstanding geek: Man, that was a great Star Trek Marathon last night. I swear they showed the best episodes ever. Did you catch it?
Fanboy: I’m sorry, I was too busy watching Star Wars like an acceptable member of society.
Normal, upstanding geek: Haha, that’s funny.
Fanboy: What makes you think I was joking? By the way, I’m defriending you on Facebook.
Marvel vs. DC, Star Trek vs. Star Wars, The new Doctor vs. the old one, Coke vs. Pepsi, all longstanding fan rivalries, all annoying. Do fanboys ever just try not giving a $h!t? Because not giving a $h!t is totally awesome – it’s the state of mind that can allow you to hold Capt. Kirk and Han Solo in comparable states of esteem without feeling like you have to kill yourself. I get that a lot of contesting fans quarrel with each other in a teasing, affectionate sort of way, which is fine, but too many of them take their silly little rivalries so seriously that it goes from harmless fun to downright pathetic. Refusing to watch the new Batman movie with a friend because you have work that day is one thing, refusing to watch the new Batman movie with a friend because you have to rewatch your DVD of Spiderman 3 in order to add to your four item long list of redeeming things about it is insanity.
3. Blind loyalty
Fanboy: I can’t wait until the Wolverine comes out. It’s going to be epic.
Normal upstanding geek: Why, the series hasn’t been good since X2. What makes you think this one will be any good?
Fanboy: Because it’s freaking Wolverine, that’s why!
One thing I’ve learned about film franchises is that if an installment fails, it’s not likely to get any better. Instead of shilling out your money to see the crappy second sequel to a crappy comic book movie on the premiere day and then going on imdb to complain about it even though you damn well should have known that it was going to be made of suck, why not just stay home, read the comic and wait for the reviews? The same goes for Star Wars. If The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones were both awful, why in god’s name would any rational human being have thought that Revenge of the Sith was going to be any better? If they hadn’t crowded the theatre every time George Lucas put out another soulless crapfest, maybe he would’ve gotten the hint and tried to improve the series (or he never would have gotten the chance to finish it, also acceptable). All fanboys need is a name and they’ll come running, good or bad. That kind of loyalty is commendable, but it’s also kind of insulting. The message it gets across is that geek culture doesn’t need to be good to make the masses come running – it just has to exist, and rampant message board criticism won’t defeat that misconception. The entertainment business is exactly what its name suggests, a business. Producers don’t care if you complain about their terrible movie on the message boards; they’re too busy wiping their butts with the $11.50 you just spent on it.
4. Jumping the gun on criticism
Normal, upstanding geek: So, Green Lantern looks pretty good…
Fanboy: Good? Are you high? I can’t believe they picked Ryan Reynolds to play Hal Jordan. It totally should have been Nathan Fillion. It’s like the casting director didn’t even watch my fan trailer on Youtube.
Fanboys can hate things just as annoyingly as they love things, and when that happens, you have to feel for the poor bastards who offer up their work to them. Don’t get me wrong, some supposed talent can be lazy, mercenary or just plain inept – these people deserve criticism. But what about the folks who put genuine effort into something only to be torn a new one by fanboys whose personal vision conflicts with theirs? This is annoying because a lot of the time the problems that they complain about turn out to be the exact opposite of problems. And in the end, when they find out they were wrong, do they eat their words and admit it? Hell no, they pretend like they’ve been for the decision all along. For example, how many fanboys bitched endlessly about Heath Ledger as the Joker without so much as a screenshot to warrant their vitriol? Christopher Nolan struck gold with Batman Begins – why was there any doubt that he’d decide to screw up The Dark Knight for no reason? Besides, everybody knows that good directors usually don’t crap out until the third movie. Expressing concern is one thing, but declaring “worst anything ever” with no evidence to confirm that statement just makes any given fanboy look like a tool, especially since, as I stated above, they’re just going to end up seeing the movie anyway.
5. Faux intellectualism
Fanboy: I really love how your book celebrated the liberal government, Mr. Moore.
Alan Moore: That’s not really what the book was about.
Fanboy: Yes it was, I saw the movie. Shut your face, Moore!
Some people really take the time to understand the things that they love. They read, watch or study a particular entertainment until they know it like the back of their hand. And some people are just plain full of crap. These people are fanboys and they can be just as lazy as the rest of us; the difference is they don’t seem to think that has any bearing on their right to dissect someone else’s work. Earlier I stated that fanboys are like fundies. Well, just like fundies, fanboys will interpret things in whatever way that will allow them to pretend that they know what the hell they’re talking about, usually by twisting the work in question around to match their own opinions. Example, ever since the movie version of V for Vendetta came out, fanboys swear up and down that the book is about liberalism and the title character is a grand hero, even though a good deal of them haven’t read the damn thing. The book is about Anarchy and V is practically a supervillain in it. Not to say that the movie isn’t entertaining on its own terms, it just fails at grasping the point of its source material. Listen up fanboy, either you can admit that you only saw the movie and have no right to analyze the source material in any way, or you can, I don’t know, maybe read the source material in the first place? And when you do, try to see it for what it is instead of what you want it to be.
Thera Pitts is a mild mannered reporter by day, katana wielding zombie hunter by night. When she’s not blogging about movies she can be found keeping the mean streets of Rancho Cucamonga safe from flesh eating prowlers, rescuing orphans from burning buildings, or seeing what’s on the TV. Read her words and prepare to be blown away, or at least mildly diverted in some way.
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Thera Pitts is a mild mannered reporter by day, katana wielding zombie hunter by night. When she’s not blogging about movies she can be found keeping the mean streets of Rancho Cucamonga safe from flesh eating prowlers, rescuing orphans from burning buildings, or seeing what’s on the TV. Read her words and prepare to be blown away, or at least mildly diverted in some way. 
Love it!
Although I'm surprised that there was no entry regarding physical hygiene.
I think that is an article unto itself…
I Concur! Love the article
Great article… but…. any comment about mac fanboys??
That sort of falls into the rivalry category. the Mac Vs. PC rivalry is one of the most irritating longstanding rivalries in recent years. I can't believe I forgot to mention it.
Hmm…. I may have to rethink my default self-labeling as a fangirl. I try really hard not to do some of those things, and can't really imagine doing others. Why is it one-or-the-other among so many fandoms? I can like or dislike both for their own merits.
It has to be a testosterone level thing. Makes a person crazy and overly aggressive and emotional.
rivalries are fun. it's a thing.
Well, there's a difference between doing rivalries in a fun way, and rivalries as done by the fanboys talked about in this piece – which I LOVED, by the way, and thought was dead-on.
Patton Oswalt wrote a piece recently for Wired (I think) about how Geek Culture has to die so that it can be reborn again. It kind of infuriated me. Thing is, he was coming from a "fanboy" place where "everyone" being a geek is somehow a problem. I hate it when geeks perpetuate exclusivity. Just because you were abused doesn't give you the right to hit your kids. Know what I mean?
i mean i do agree. some fans get overzealous. and about not wanting stuff to get popular, i agree it is pretty silly. though it is the classic punk rock reaction, which I at least respect.
On the other hand, you have to give some credence to the fact that the mainstream culture has a tendency toward bastardizing sub-cultures they adopt. In this respect, it is somewhat understandable for someone to be protective over something they care about.
I totally agree with this, Comic-con for instance was way more fun before it got too popular (notice the use of the word "too," too much of anything is a bad thing). What bugs me are people who act all high and mighty for being into underground stuff and disregarding people who enjoy it just as much simply because they were late to the party. It's like, "sure other people like it now, but I still liked it first, therefore I'm still special." No you're not, the person who made it is. You have to take the good with the bad, sure I'm glad I was one of the few to appreciate Firefly when it was still on the air, but if others had adopted it it wouldn't have been cancelled, so it would make me a total dick to feel proud that it never got past a cult following.