Horrible Horror: Devour

By Melissa Voelker

Sometimes I choose to watch a movie because it was universally praised or panned by critics or it has been recommended by friends and family. Sometimes I watch because the DVD box art is attention grabbing (or shiny, sometimes all it takes is for it to be shiny). Sometimes I watch because it’s the only thing on television in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and I’m too lazy to do something useful.  And sometimes I choose to watch a movie because I’m female and I like to look at pretty things and Jensen Ackles counts rather high up on the list of pretty things.  Which is how I came to watch Devour, starring Jensen Ackles and Shannyn Sossoman and Dominique Swain.

The basic premise is this: Jensen Ackles is pretty and he lives in the northwest and walks around in jeans and talks to people and smiles and does pretty things. Wait, that doesn’t sound like much of a horror movie. I guess I’ll have to watch again to get the actual plot. Just kidding. Devour is based around a demonic video game (and has nothing to do with cannibals or eating or anything that makes sense with the title). Jensen is Jake, a 21 year old college student and part time computer repair geek (hey, I believe it) who has losers for friends and angry bitter people as parents and keeps suffering from waking nightmares. Even though he’s obviously getting laid by his nubile and slutty female best friend, he also takes a fancy to a lovely and mysterious tarot card reader he meets in the computer repair shop. Then on his birthday his other best friend, this one a junkie with anger management issues, signs him up to The Pathway, a computer game where supposedly someone calls and tells you to do something and then you do it (hey, why not?).

Of course once Jake is on the path of The Pathway (haha, wordplay is funny) things in his pretty life start to get wacky. His boss accuses him of stealing computer equipment, only to have security camera footage show that the boss did it himself.  Awkward sex with slutty friend leads to Jake seeing a horned demon monster in his basement and dreaming about shooting his father and cutting his own tongue off (which is just as icky to watch as it sounds). Then junkie friend goes completely bonkers and kills some people then mutilates and kills himself. This, of course, makes Jake a sad panda, but luckily hot tarot mystery woman is there to talk to him and hold his hand and generally be all over him (I get it, I would probably be like that too if he was mine).  Then slutty friend goes all bonkers and attacks a professor before mutilating and killing herself. Sensing a theme here? I think we are supposed to. So Jake is even more sad and tarot chick is even more lovey dovey and they even get some smoochies on but life takes another downhill turn when Jake’s uncle gets killed.

Suddenly Jake is sure this Pathway business is all part of some ritual to summon Satan (that is totally where my thoughts would have gone in the same situation). An ex-Satanist tattoo artist that he just happens to know sends him in the direction of a creepy older dude who used to teach Satan 101 to all the young devil worshippers. Creepy older guy tells a (somewhat) sad story about his wife getting pregnant and wanting to sacrifice a human being to protect her baby, only to be sacrificed herself by this guy who went on to found a software company (kid you not). So Jakey goes after the software fella and ends up being taken hostage by the spirit (or is it a zombie? It doesn’t want to eat brains so maybe not but it is corporeal so maybe?) of junkie friend. The big reveal happens at software guy’s swanky millionaire pad and it turns out that – wait for it! – Jake is the long lost son of creepy older dude’s wife! Bet you didn’t see that coming! Or did you? Well I kinda did. Anyways, so Jakey is the lost prince of darkness and software guy wants to reunite him with his mother but pretty Jake does not want to play. He tosses software guy into his swanky indoor pool fountain thing and kills him dead. Then he has a short chat with the spirit (or zombie again?) of slutty friend before escaping into the Pacific Northwest wilderness. Conveniently (I mean really?) or through the power of Satan, Jake’s Jeep (haha alliteration is funny too) breaks down near a house where he meets – wait for it! Please? – his long lost mother! Ya, I kinda saw that coming too.

So Jake and his devil worshipping supposed to be dead mom have a strange little reunion where he cries a little and she makes faces at him and says nothing. Then they head out to her yard where she has some stones set up in a circle and some bloody bones littered about the place for ambiance, and Jake’s fake parents hanging dead and dripping blood from the trees. Then mommy makes yet another big reveal (because just one or two is never enough). She goes swirly for a minute and when she is back to normal she is – wait for it! Oh come on, you know you want to – hot tarot girlfriend chick! Yep, Jakey has been making out with his mother! And she’s ready to make out with him some more as long as he drinks some blood and accepts his place as the prince of darkness. In a last ditch effort to prove that he is a Good Boy and not a lackey of Satan, Jake stabs his mother, which makes her turn into the giant horned demon thing (okay that was a bit of a surprise). She forces the goblet of blood on him anyway and then leaves him to face the authorities, covered in gore and lying in a ritual circle full of dead people. Devour ends with Jake getting arrested while he narrates his questions regarding his own sanity.

This was not a bad movie really. It just wasn’t great. While there were certainly some scenes that made my skin crawl (the tongue thing was REALLY gross, he was using a knife and just sawing away and his tongue was all bloody and ick) I was never really scared. The Satanic computer game angle was only brought up once or twice; Jake never even did some freaky task thing (but slutty friend did which led to one of the most awkward fully clothed two minute sex scenes in a horror movie EVER. “So much for cuddling.” Haha Jakey you are too funny.) I would have liked to see more happen with The Pathway, showing WHY junkie friend and slutty friend went all nuts and started killing people. And the reveal of the Big Bads was incredibly anti-climactic. Software guy dies before doing anything even remotely evil and smoochy mommy dies pretty easily for being an ageless horned demon thingy.

The idea is there for a great horror movie, and even the actors are in place for it. Jensen Ackles (is not just a pretty face!) can actually act and I was able to focus on the things he said as well as the way that he walked (those bow legs are so adorable and sexy, it makes me think of riding things, grrrr). But too much detail was left out and I couldn’t properly get into the mindset that what was happening was supposed to be scary. It felt sometimes like the movie makers were using flashy effects instead of good ol’ fashioned story telling to get their point across. Aside from the waking nightmare thing, the only other sign that Jake might be the son of Satan is that he had one bad holiday where he wanted to beat his fake parents’ heads in with a hammer. I have a feeling he isn’t the first person to ever have such thoughts, dark as they might be. So how does that single Jake out as the lost son of the demon chick? How long had his loser friends been playing The Pathway and why wasn’t he aware of it? His fake dad obviously blamed him for his fake mother’s disability and was once an alcoholic, but when was that exactly and how did it effect the family dynamic? Too many little questions were left unanswered, and because of that it fell a little flat. I should have been able to focus on things besides Jensen Ackles and his wide shoulders and pouty mouth and smoky voice (which I fully believe is possible). And that was just too hard to do with this movie.

About Melissa: By day a mild-mannered tv station receptionist, by night a fighter of crime and corruption in the dirty streets of Spokane, WA . . . or maybe not so much. More like a hyperactive, anal-retentive daytime receptionist and a melodramatic, hyperactive nighttime fangirl who only wishes she could be a fighter of crime and champion of justice (except that would lead to getting my super costume all dirty and I hate doing laundry.) Though my intent has always been to write bestselling novels and live a life of wealth and luxury, putting my talents for snarkiness and word doodling together while letting my geek flag fly suits me just fine – for now.

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