By Shawn Deena
Let’s be clear – I’m never going to refer to this channel with their new name. It’s stupid. Before the name change there was once a time that the Sci-Fi channel had some really good programming. This was the channel that had one of the best shows on television, Battlestar Galactica. And they aired other cool shows, too — Babylon 5, Farscape, Dead like Me, a few of the Star Treks and so on. It was, in essence, a sci-fi geek’s dream channel.
Then little by little things started to go south until suddenly we get a rash of Sci-Fi original movies all based around some hybrid monster, D-list actors and animation and computer graphics that makes South Park look like Avatar.
It’s almost as if they said to themselves, “Let’s just make a bunch of crappy movies, and fill our lame weekend programming with them.” The problem with that idea is that it would seem that they’re not making them as spoofs or jokes like those terrible Scary Movie parodies – they’re making them as actual movies where the actors in the movie are seemingly putting on their finest monster movie dramatic performance.
Can you imagine the call from the 80s pop star Tiffany’s agent when she got tagged to be in one these craptaculars?
Agent: “Listen there’s the part you can be in on that science fiction channel.”
Tiffany – “Ooh is it a cool new series?”
Agent: “No but there’s a giant killer Piranha in it?”
And while this may seem like just griping and complaining and there’s the requisite “Well, don’t watch them,” response, my point is this – why even bother making them? I would rather they get the rights to classic cheesy movies like Them or The Incredible Shrinking Man than try to make yet another movie about some hybrid beastie that’s going to kill everyone. The 50s and 60s are overstocked with these classic sci-fi gems and they’re entertaining. They’re not the moronically infused, poorly storyboarded, overacted to the 10th degree of Shatner, pieces of drivel. Some of the worse so far?
- Sharktopus
- Mongolian Death Worm
- Mega Piranha
- Mothman
- Lake Placid 3 (killer crocodiles)
- Witchville – technically not beasties but you get the idea
And my favorite: Stonhenge Apocalypse. Here’s the summary — When the giant stones of Stonehenge begin to move and cataclysms occur all over the earth, only a fringe radio talk show host who’s an expert in UFOlogy figures out that the ancient monument is really alien technology.
Really? This is a movie?
There should be some kind of Facebook group called Stop Sci-Fi From Making More Crappy Movies – maybe we could get the Betty White effect and get them to actually stop.
Shawn Deena is a writer, musician, gamer and all around comic book and sci-fi nerd. As lover of films and television he has entirely useless library of knowledge that has now been increased thanks to the large volume of movies and TV shows Netflix offers on their instant play. As someone who likes to share his opinion, having a forum where he can rant incessantly about things in entertainment that bother him, make him laugh or make him want to hit himself in the face with a DVD box is a good thing. Having written about everything from Office Depot chairs to the page turning excitement of CPA guidebooks nothing pleases him more than writing about the stuff he loves and knows.
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Shawn Deena is a writer, musician, gamer and all around comic book and sci-fi nerd. As lover of films and television he has entirely useless library of knowledge that has now been increased thanks to the large volume of movies and TV shows Netflix offers on their instant play. As someone who likes to share his opinion, having a forum where he can rant incessantly about things in entertainment that bother him, make him laugh or make him want to hit himself in the face with a DVD box is a good thing. Having written about everything from Office Depot chairs to the page turning excitement of CPA guidebooks nothing pleases him more than writing about the stuff he loves and knows. 
I'm actually really looking forward to "Red", starring Felicia Day as Little Red Riding Hood As a Werewolf Hunter. It seems like a really inspired idea – not to mention perfect casting – and is hopefully indicative of the kind of movies they'll continue to make.
I have to say, SciFi's miniseries — Alice, Tin Man, the Dune adaptations, etc. — are vastly superior to their movies. I'm really looking forward to Red, too, if only for Ms. Day and Kavan Smith and the werewolves.
Sharktopus = LOL! Kinna a good idea—but I can imagine how the Sci Fi channel will make it into an egregious, stinking pile of goo. Those cheap computer animation effects are mere microns away from Popeye cartoons! Really now—what are they thinking? This has been goin' on for some time now. If this crap is popular with young sci fi fans—LAWD HELP US! You never know, though—might inspire some future director's masterpiece. Still—shiver!
What makes it all the more egregious, to me, is that Syfy is capable of making good, original stuff, as evidenced by Tin Man and Alice (Tin Man I didn't like so much, but it looked great; surprisingly, I liked Alice). Then they turn around and give us Sharktopus, or this pile of ick Princess of Mars thing that's coming this week (sorry, but the words "Starring Traci Lords" doesn't inspire confidence – I don't care how good she looks in a Princess Leia metal bikini ripoff). Sadly, these movies must be making money for Syfy – if they weren't profitable, they would be doing it.
Yeah, Facebook for a change of direction, or better yet a new S/F channel run by S/Fpeople. Pink Ray Gun comes to mind.
The best argument for the SciFi (I don't use the new name either) original movies that I've heard is that they are, in effect, replacing the B-movie studio system that created all of the cheesy classics you mentioned. (Which were not, I should point out, any better quality than the SciFi originals when they were first released. They just have the benefit of quaintness and nostalgia now.) The low-budget studios just don't exist anymore, having been absorbed or driven out of business by Universal, MGM, Dreamworks, Disney, et al.
A lot of these crappy movies are directed by first-time directors and written by first-time writers. Are they high art? Certainly not. Are they scientifically plausible? Not even a little. But they're a relatively inexpensive way for newcomers in the film world to get on-the-job training while creating content for the SciFi Channel.
They're also a way for the network to show loyalty toward stars of their series by continuing to employ them in other projects. I think most of the actors from Stargate SG-1, BSG, and Eureka have done at least one by now, and they're pretty candid about their reasons. They have bills to pay and families to feed just like the rest of us. It's a paycheck, as well as an all-expenses-paid trip to Bulgaria or Romania or Australia or somewhere else they might not otherwise go. A working actor has to keep working, even if they can't always get the best roles.
Personally, I'm less concerned about the network's string of B-movie monsterfests than I am about the fact that they're abandoning their long-standing SciFi Friday lineup in favor of yet more professional wrestling. ::ptooie::
If we can get a few Plan 9s from this, it'll be worth it. The problem is that part will come farther down the road.
The wrestling disturbs me more, too, because at least very bad sci-fi is very bad sci-fi. Wrestling is not sci-fi.
I thought they had contracts with Skiffy taht required them to make some of these movies. Or something like that.
Let's be real. The cheesy sci fi movies they make have their charm, and don't take away from other quality content the channel makes. Stargate, Warehouse 13, Eureka, and Caprica are all quality shows in their own right. That's pretty damn good. Plus, like other people said, Dune and some others have rocked pretty hard. So bring on The Attack of the Amazing Shark-Hamster!
Side note: My favorite title for one of these suckers is Mansquito. I don't know why, but it makes me smile every time. XD
You forgot to mention "The lost treasures of the Grand Canyon" in which an Aztec civilisation is still going strong in the canyon and one of the gods is an over sized gargoyle. The combined hotness of Danie Jackson and Martouf couldn't make that watchable.
I'm happy they picked up Merlin. Classed the place up a bit