No Aliens, No Vampires, No Problem

By Lisa Fary

Snowpocalypse has me stuck inside, where I’m downing cup after cup of hot toddy, whining about the online workplace never having snow days, and generally having a bent $h!tcan attitude.

But, I’m trying to look on the bright side. For instance, the power is still on. Plus, as long as it’s storming, our Sarlacc neighbors keep the screaming inside. Also, when the snow stops, our regularly garbage covered street will look clean and new (until it gets saturated with cigarette butts, beer cans, and piss, which will take about ten minutes).

Finally, as much as it sucks to be snowbound in my apartment, at least I’m not snowbound in any of these places:

Hoth (Empire Strikes Back)

Technically, I guess there’s nothing wrong with Hoth, other than it being very remote. And never having a break in the cold. And being populated by grumpy wampas and stinky tauntauns (which, although stinky, would be useful to me in the next few days; I may need a tauntaun to get to the grocery store until the plows get to my street).

Rura Penthe (ST VI: The Undiscovered Country)

All the isolation and danger of Hoth, with the added fun of a Klingon operated dilithium mine/ prison.

Barrow, Alaska (30 Days of Night)

Not only is it below freezing for nine or ten months out of the year, the sun is below the horizon for about two months. A perfect environment for a vampiric feeding frenzy.

Delta Vega (Star Trek)

Another ice planet, like Hoth and Rura Penthe. No stinky tauntauns, no prison mine. Just B-movie monsters, a view of the black hole formerly known as Vulcan, and a very disgruntled (yet dreamy) Montgomery Scott.

Antarctica (The Thing)

Come for the science research station (and a hot, young Kurt Russell!). Stay for the parasitic alien bent on assimilating all life it encounters.

Since I’m drinking toddies and not mining dilithium or running from snow-loving beasties, perhaps I should stop complaining.

Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She’s angry that it’s almost 2010 and she still doesn’t have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram.

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