The Decade’s Worst Movies

By Lisa Fary

I wasn’t going to do a worst movies list until seeing Avatar on Saturday. Walking home from the theater (in a blizzard), my mind wandered to all the movies from the past ten years that were horrifically bad.

The top ten worst movies of the Oughts (or Naughts or Naughties or whatever) list came together about halfway home. There are no numerical rankings because, in my mind, they’re all equally bad.

Keep in mind, these are the worst among what I’ve seen. Some stuff looks so bad that I don’t even bother (i.e. Ecks vs. Sever, most rom-coms, anything starring an irritating pop singer or Eddie Murphy).

Transformers

First, a giant robot movie shouldn’t be almost 2 1/2 hours long. The novelty of giant robots expire at about the 100 minute mark. Second, a movie about giant robots should have some, you know, giant effing robots before the halfway point (see how that 100 minute thing works? Forces you to move things along instead of doing drawn out shots on Megan Fox). Third, when the giant robots show up, the actors should keep acting. I could go on, but I won’t. I heard the sequel was worse; lucky for me, I spared my eyes.

Spider-Man 3

Too many unrelated villains. Peter Parker gets emo bangs. Instead of being a darker Peter once he’s bonded with the malignant alien symbiote, he’s just. . . stupid. And, dear god, Mary Jane Watson tries to be a sexy songstress (that was like me trying to dance or do a sexy wink/ smile combo). This movie was an epic mess.

Battlefield Earth

Do you really need me to explain this one? John Travolta’s hymn/ offering to L. Ron Hubbard is so bad, it could be considered an historic mark in cinema.

Hulk

A friend of mine described it as “Shrek with ‘roid rage.”

Pathfinder

What a waste of Clancy Brown’s abilities. Even Karl Urban in a loincloth couldn’t save it. And Karl Urban in a loincloth could save lots of things.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Is Uwe Boll even trying? Does he use Mel Brooks’ The Producers as his business model? Jason Statham poses. Ron Perlman cashes his paycheck. Leelee Sobieski wonders where it all went wrong. Burt Reynolds shambles around in a stupor, seemingly unaware that a movie is being shot. He thought he was a the Renaissance Faire for the weekend.

Catwoman

Catwoman is a girl. So her villain must be an evil beauty product. Remember, Halle Berry is an Oscar winner.

Fantastic Four 2

If I’m sitting in theater, I’m committed to seeing the movie through. There’s no getting up for the restroom. No texting. No talking to John. No responding if he tries to talk to me. Eyes and attention are 100% on that screen. I walked out of FF2 about thirty minutes in, it was so bad.

The Matrix: Revolutions

So bad it made Reloaded look almost as good as the original. Which it wasn’t. Not by a long shot.

Eragon

Homeschooled kid rips off Star Wars for his novel. His parents self-publish the book. Somehow, someone got John Malkovich to say a couple lines in a movie adaptation. And apparently blackmailed Jeremy Irons and Robert Carlyle into co-starring.

(Dis)honorable Mentions

These movies weren’t so egregiously bad that they’re part of the steaming turd pile above. More like the flies circling the pile.

The Village

I get moving to the suburbs so your kids can be safe, but damn. Sequestering them in a fake 19th century village is a bit extreme. Oh, and it doesn’t make ANY EFFING SENSE.

Day Watch

Russia proves that, when it comes to adaptations, Hollywood doesn’t have a monopoly on pissing all over source material. Nor does Hollywood have a monopoly on $h!tty sequels.

X-Men 3

Remember, Halle Berry is an Oscar winner. She doesn’t have to try anymore.

Avatar

For all the time and money, I need more than pretty. I need more than just plots, elements, and characters recycled from other movies. Obviously, I’m feeling pretty burned by James Cameron.

Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She’s angry that it’s almost 2010 and she still doesn’t have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram.

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