Stephen King’s Name on SyFy

By Lisa Fary

SyFy is excited to order a new Stephen King series that has nothing to do with anything written by Stephen King.
Taking inspiration from such gems as The Lawnmower Man, Children of the Corn, and Maximum Overdrive, SyFy is producing the series Haven, based on King’s novella The Colorado Kid.

An imaginary representative said during an imaginary meeting, “Taking a story, stripping away it’s recognizable elements and slapping Stephen King’s name on the resulting piece of **** is a long standing tradition in film and television. SyFy is proud to not only continue it, but to raise the bar by distributing it globally.”

Now, some highlights from the non-imaginary press release, along with their real-world translations.

“Haven is the quintessential Stephen King town, full of complex, yet identifiable, characters.”

• Translation: On a hotness scale of 1 – 10, no one will be above an 7. These characters are just a screwed up as you, and at least one of them will be “heavy”. Most of the actors playing them will be from Vancouver.

“This world class project illustrates our commitment to deliver more high profile, first-run content which provides compelling entertainment for our viewers around the world.”

• Translation: Comcast is about to own us.

“Deep in the heart of Maine, Haven is a town where people with supernatural abilities have migrated for generations because it mutes their powers, allowing them to lead normal lives. At least, until recently. When hot-shot FBI agent Audrey Parker is called to Haven to solve the murder of a local ex-con, she catches the killer but uncovers a much deeper mystery about this town.  Each week, as the town-peoples’ dormant powers begin to express themselves, Audrey will try to keep these supernatural forces at bay while  unraveling the many mysteries of Haven – including one surrounding her own surprising past in this extraordinary place.”

• Translation: No one actually read The Colorado Kid, it’s Wikipedia entry, or even the three sentence summary on King’s own website before writing the show.

“The impressive creative team behind Haven includes Scott Shepherd (Tru Calling, The Dead Zone) serving as showrunner and is joined by his partners Executive Producers Lloyd Segan and Shawn Piller (The Dead Zone, Wildfire, Greek) and E1 Entertainment’s John Morayniss (Hung, The Bridge) and Noreen Halpern (Hung, Copper).  The pilot is written by Sam Ernst (Shrek the Third, The Dead Zone) and Jim Dunn (Shrek the Third, The Dead Zone) who will also serve as executive producers on the series.  Adam Fratto will serve as co-executive producer.”

• Translation: The Dead Zone crew was available.

For the sake of comparison, here is the summary of the novella from King’s website:

• Vince Teague and Dave Bowie are the sole operators of The Weekly Islander, a small Maine newspaper.  Stephanie McCann has been working for them as an intern.  When Stephanie asks if they’ve ever come across a real unexplained mystery in the fifty years they’d been publishing the paper, they tell her the story of The Colorado Kid.

Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She’s angry that it’s almost 2010 and she still doesn’t have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram.

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