5 Dishes You Don’t Want to See on Your Thanksgiving Table

Tagged with: Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner

By Lisa Fary

Nothing says “Thanksgiving” like gnawing on a piece of turkey jerky fresh from the oven while insisting, “Oh, no! It’s not dry at all!” to your anxious sister-in-law. The green bean casserole with Funyuns? A crunchy bit of heaven! And that slice of jellied cranberry “sauce”? Crantastic!

If there’s one meal we all lie about at least once (or at least once per year) it’s Thanksgiving dinner. I’ve had lots and lots of practice feigning joyful T-Day nom noms (sorry to everyone who’s ever had me over – and who will probably never have me over again). Having lied about it most of my life, I also recognize when I’m being lied to about my honey-cumin glazed turkey disaster.

That’s OK, though. It’s Thanksgiving. It’s really all about camaraderie over $h!tty food. You know, just like the pilgrims (except without the smallpox).

But, even that canned cranberry “sauce”, green bean casserole and my honey-cumin glazed nightmare are preferable to these dishes from around the ‘verse.

Snake Surprise (Source: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)
Although it adds a bit of interactivity and just a touch of suspense to any dinner, Snake Surprise is messy, unsanitary, and a bitch to clean up. For days afterward, you’ll find escaped baby snakes between cushions and in your shoes.

Food Discs (Source: Buck Rogers)

Earth’s food of choice in the 25th century: tasteless meal discs with complete nutrition. They look like giant Rolaids. Check it out below (come for the food discs, stay for Jack effing Palance in a cape!).

Rokeg Blood Pie (Source: Klingon Home World)

Pie shouldn’t have tentacles sticking out of it. I’m just saying.

Gerbils (Source: V)

For obvious reasons. Unless, of course, you’re having a V over for dinner, in which case the gerbil would be the appetizer. You would be the main course. Which brings me to the number one thing you don’t want to see on your Thanksgiving table. . .

You
Whether it’s factory farmed human for V-consumption or a cruelty-free Soylent Green “turkey”, having human served on your Thanksgiving table is a sign that something has gone horribly awry.

Of course, it’s probably preferable to my honey-cumin glazed turkey cutlets.

Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She’s angry that it’s almost 2010 and she still doesn’t have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram.