Stargate Universe: Water

By Lisa Fary
The sand devil from the desert planet in “Air, Part 3” made it aboard Destiny and is super thirsty this week, gulping up 40,000 liters of the water supply and attempting to provide microdermabrasion services to the crew.

But first, there is the expected accusation and crew search, which only fuels the paranoia among the civilians and further drives in the wedge between them and the military. Some of it is found in Spencer’s room (I’m calling him Joe the Plumber from now on. He has that same bald head, blocky face, and stupid eyes).

The missing water shouldn’t be an issue, though, because Destiny recharged when it flew through the star last week. It should have enough power to dial Earth now, right?

I wondered that, then about ten seconds later, that very thing came out of Col. Young’s mouth in a confrontation with Dr. Rush.  But, dialing Earth is still out of the question; Rush estimates that Destiny is still only at 40% of it’s power capacity. It’s a huge, million year old ship – stands to reason that it may take more than one solar fly-through to completely refuel.

And Young is just going to have to take Rush’s and Eli’s words for it because, well, they’re the brains. They understand how to make those computations and Col. Young, to put it plainly, doesn’t.

Col. Young stomps off to deal with the water situation; however, Destiny is already on it. They come out of FTL in range of an ice planet, which Eli helpfully points out looks like the Hoth System.

Crickets.

“Empire Strikes Back? Second movie in the Star Wars series? I’m not calling it ‘Episode Five,’” Eli continues before dropping it altogether under Col. Young’s unamused stare. I’m starting to wonder if he hates and distrusts smart people.

Col. Young and Lt. Scott don million year old space suits and head to the ice planet with a plasma cutter and a hoversled (Eli’s latest invention: a flat surface floating atop several Kinos – his latest attempt to fly) to find pure water ice.

With TJ in charge, the crew sets about finding Microdermabralien. A guy we’ve never seen before (which always bodes well for his fate) stumbles across it. Like any civilized man, he shoots. At which point the sand cloud goes all disgruntled spa aesthetician and gives him the worst microdermabrasion treatment ever.

The idea is to scour away the top layer of skin to reduce lines and wrinkles; not scrub a person’s face off, resulting in death. Although, death is the one surefire way to stop the aging process. I’m surprised the beauty industry hasn’t latched on to that one, yet.

The new development puts Tj and Msgt. Greer in conflict about how to deal with Microdermabralien. TJ wants to communicate with it; Greer wants to toast it with his new flame-throwing toy.

Meanwhile on the ice planet, Lt. Scott is stuck in an ice hole. I wonder for a second if this is somehow a metaphorical representation of his relationships with women. But, I shake off the thought. Sometimes a hole is just a hole.

The whole thing is resolved rather unsatisfactorily. Another tremor cuts Lt. Scott loose, allowing Col. Young to pull him up and get back to the stargate with just a few minutes to spare before Destiny jumped back to FTL. TJ trapped Microdermabralien in a barrel, which was then tossed through the stargate and left on the ice planet.

Not as good as the first few eps, but “Water” was enjoyable enough. I particularly liked the exchange between Lt. James and Chloe.  It could have become a catty exchange, a typical bitchy face-off over a dude, but it went the total opposite way.

So thanks, SGU people, for not doing the usual thing.

There is no Equal Opportunity Nekkid Nudity to report for this week’s episode. However, given the number of sci-fi programs throughout the decades and the number of women times the number of boob jiggles, there’s a lot to make up for.

So, in the spirit of making up for decades of inequality, here’s a picture of Lt. Scott in his shorts:

This is from Brian J. Smith’s appearance in the play Come Back, Little Sheba.

Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She’s angry that it’s almost 2010 and she still doesn’t have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram.

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