Movies Not to Watch This Halloween

Or, “I Watched Them So You Don’t Have To”

By Gil James Bavel

A friend of mine is hosting a small party on Halloween since it falls on a Saturday this year, and I wanted to screen the perfect movies so they wouldn’t bore the socks off of people. I was looking for some good, strong mid-sixties Euro-horror that predate the crappy slasher flicks, but still had enough gore to satisfy without being over the top. My favorite among these types is Amando D’ Ossorio’s Tombs of the Blind Dead, but even though it’s a classic, I wasn’t sure my fellow guests would wait out its rather slow start.

In doing so, I happened to run across some movies you should steer well clear of, if you’re having guests over this year—else they will either run away screaming, or die of boredom and you’ll have to dispose of the bodies. Stay tuned at the end for suggestions of what to watch as well as my actual picks for this year’s double feature. And now on to the movies to stay the hell away from:

The first one I thought might be good to start with was Zombie Hell House, otherwise known as House by the Cemetery, an absolutely bloody awful Lucio Fulci movie, the slowest movie ever made. Even at 8-16x normal speed, this turkey dragged horribly. Good thing it only took ten minutes to watch. Awful special effects, lots of filler, long, boring shots of cars driving and people walking to their destination. Dull, dull, dull. If there’s one thing you want to spare your Halloween guests this year, it’s this movie. They’ll be begging for less inside five minutes. Fulci is legendary in both Europe and America, but his career was pretty hit and miss. He was Mario Bava’s mentor, and although he came from a good solid Italian horror movie background, this release was absolute crap. This is the movie version of the music they put on at the bar when they want you to leave.

Next was Bava’s Black Sabbath, which is advertised with Boris Karloff. It’s one of these anthology deals that has three featurettes that Karloff introduces—in Italian, of course. It also draws, according to the credits, on stories by Chekhov, Tolstoy, and Maupassant.

I remember seeing some of these late sixties, early seventies Italian horror anthologies on KCTV’s Friday Fright Night when I was a kid, and many were pretty good. Sadly, Black Sabbath is not one of them. The digital remaster of the film is good enough, as is the sound (which doesn’t really matter, because it’s subtitled), but it really never gets out of the gate.

The first thriller is called, “Il Telefono” or, “The Telephone”. A predictable “let’s drive the lady on the other end of the phone mad” story. The only thing this one has going for it is that it could be perceived as being an early influence on Scream… but that would be being very complimentary. “Il Telefono” is a pretty slow flick that never really gets going and doesn’t have much point. It’s a yawner. Skip it.

The second tale in Black Sabbath is called, “The Wurudlak”, and this one does star Boris Karloff, as well as Mark Damon (you figure it out). The Wurudlak has a more promising start—it’s a period tale set somewhere in Europe about “A Turkish criminal that killed many people. They said he was a wurudlak. We lived in fear and his victims grew day by day…” Anyway, the names—Vladimir, Sdenka and Alibeq—the titular wurudlak—don’t sound Italian to me. Must be a little further East.

On to the plot. So, there’s a stranger, a little love interest and stunning dialogue like, “You go, now I stayed for you, don’t make jokes, what’s this all about, I may be able to help you—why did you leave me? Why did you come back here? I love you more than life itself.” You know, the kind you get when translating Italian to English while trying to match actors’ mouths to the words. But, it does draw on the sort of old-school vampire folklore that I cut my teeth on, if you’ll pardon the pun—and I have a sort of fondness for movies that follow those rules.

Strangely, the stroke of midnight that seems to be so important to the plot happens just around sunset—or sunrise, I can’t tell—but the day-for-night they use isn’t so bad. At least you can see, which is more than I can say for most of those kind of shots. Karloff turns in a good enough performance, considering he’s speaking English in an Italian film that’s being subtitled back into English. He has plenty of dialogue. At least it can be said that this one moves faster than Il Telefono, if only by inches. The color is really good. A great restrike of the original negative for the remaster here. A feast for the eyes, if not for the mind. Turn down the sound, and turn up the Cramps… The Wurudlak might be a good movie to have on in the background, but if you want your guests to be glued to the set, this ain’t the one.

And, last, and probably least, is “La Goccia D’ Acqua”, or “The Drop of Water”. As Uncle Ed Muscare of All Night Live fame used to say, this one has a cast of “familiar unknowns”. Another period piece. The beginning features a crank-gramophone with a HUGE sound bell… so I guess that helps us figure out what time frame we’re in… oh, and the seamstress has a nice period telephone that’s not the very first model, but pretty old style. I’m guessing we’re in the 19th century somewhere. Again, great color. And for you cat people, there’s plenty of mewling. As opposed to the Wurdulak, which featured plenty of dog-howling as atmosphere. Ah, yes, this one has tarot cards, creepy dolls and strangely, very nice period costumes. The dresses, lighting, props and set are enviable.

It turns out, the lady in question died during a séance while she was in trance, talking to the dead—not of a heart attack as rumored. Gets off to a good start, considering.

It doesn’t stay that way long, however. You’re stuck with “La Goccia D’ Acqua”, if only to read about it. It seems that the moral of this story is, “Never steal the jewelry from the recently-dead”. Excellent makeup, scenery and props. And of course, then comes the dripping water. We discover it’s a spigot that just won’t shut up! Actually, it’s all the spigots! Our leading lady keeps shutting them off, to no avail, while we get to look at all the cool props and sets. Another feast for the eyes, but you’re going to have to get some fish if you’re looking for brain food. Nice creaking doors, thunder, and spooky sounds, but atmosphere alone can’t carry this groaner.

Interestingly, we do eventually get some cool starts and scares, but they aren’t enough to serve as a payoff for all the time spent setting them up. When they were released, these three short films might have been atmospherically scary to some audiences, but I’d be surprised if they could keep today’s audiences awake.

The best part of Black Sabbath is undoubtedly the ending, in which Karloff wishes us a good night and to “dream about me!” and gallops off on his horse. We then pull out to see that the horse is a machine, the trees going by are actually bits of branches held by stagehands running around him in a circle, and the clouds are projected onto a screen behind him. Fun.

If you’re going to watch an anthology film this year, make it John Shirley’s Twists of Terror, or The Vault of Horror, which, although it was released the same year as Black Sabbath (1974), has much better pacing. The final tale in that one even features a pre-Doctor Who Tom Baker, playing one of five British gentlemen stuck in a lounge at the bottom of an inoperative elevator who tell stories to each other while they drink, smoke, and pass the time.

Okay, so on to The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula, (or, The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires) re-released by Anchor Bay, who usually does a pretty good job with digital remastering, as they do here. This is an actual Hammer/Dracula flick, but trying desperately to catch on to the Hong Kong action films fad of the day, and may actually be one of the last ones that Peter Cushing starred in. This is pre-Star Wars Peter Cushing, which makes it among his final films.

“BLACK BELT AGAINST BLACK MAGIC IN THE GREATEST BATTLE OF ALL TIME! AS THE SEVEN BROTHERS (AND ONE SISTER) MEET DRACULA! Offers the trailer. Sadly, Christopher Lee skipped this one (choosing instead, The Satanic Rites of Dracula, itself cashing in on the Highgate Vampire craze of the late sixties and early seventies brought to attention by psychic investigator David Farrant, whose investigations in Highgate cemetery rocked the British tabloids at the time, and who still heads up the British Psychic and Occult Society today), which perhaps adds to the reasons not to see this movie. Among its pluses are kung fu & vampires, and not only your regular kind, but Chinese vampires—which are always worth a bite.

7 Bros. starts out with a bit of good, old-fashioned gratuitous nudity, as virgins are prepared for ritual black magic sacrifice (which turns them into zombies, apparently) and then it’s straight to the majestic grandeur of the Chinese Mountains. Excellent color and sets, and great cinematography add to the film, which Hammer never fails to provide, and even the odd flying bats, which, if you either squint, or don’t look at too long, aren’t too bad.

Drac shows up pretty darn quick, declaring to a Fu-Manchu-type interloper in his mausoleum that he will “Recall the seven golden vampires” and “take on your image!” and thus, for almost the rest of the film, Dracula no longer has the cape and Western style we’ve come to know. Instead, he looks more like Charlie Chan (my guess is this is a cover for Christopher Lee’s absence).

When the Count bangs a gong, seven vampires (presumably the Golden ones) rise from the ground, find some convenient horses and begin terrorizing Chun King.

We’ve got pagodas, more naked women, now on display and ready for sacrifice, and I’ll be damned if there aren’t seven of them, too. They’re writhing around and screaming on the slabs waiting to be rescued… and I’ll leave it to your imagination what actually happens to the guy that eventually does come to rescue them. Here’s a hint: he doesn’t win a door prize.

More scenes of Golden vampires rising from the tomb, more gong-banging, ominous sounding music, etc. I grew bored with this one before hitting the 20 minute mark. Vampire gets torched, goes up in flames, screams, falls down, and dies. Slow-motion crowd walks over his smoking bones. Then, more gratuitous nudity. Strap ‘em down, bite ‘em on the neck, and let the blood flow freely into a central receptacle. Rawhide!

Then, mercifully, we switch to a classroom in which Peter Cushing, as Van Helsing, is lecturing to a Chinese class about vampires, who, like we would prefer to do, leaves at the very mention of them. Turns out that even though we’re in Chun King, Van Helsing is bound for Hong Kong. When one of his students complains of vampire activity in his nearby ancestral village, Van Helsing decides on a detour, and that’s when the fun really begins.

Human-on-human fu, human-on-vampire fu knife-fu, double-axe fu, bow-fu, the gentlemanly art of fisticuffs—and that’s just for starters. Then, it’s the black-suited gang vs. the light blue-suited gang—including the token female fighter—and I’m not altogether sure we’re supposed to know what they’re fighting about. But that’s never stopped kung fu fighting before, and there’s lots of it. I guess on the way to the ancestral village, the caravan got waylaid by some kung-fu bandits or something. The kung-fu is pretty good, but the close-ups on the weapons are slightly too close, because it’s easy to see that they’re Styrofoam.

Van Helsing’s son Leland, an unnamed buxom European lady and the Blue suit gang accompany Cushing on his trip. I’m not altogether sure what their motivation is, but explaining that is the director’s job, not mine.

After dark, they settle in for dinner around a campfire while Van Helsing describes the living dead to the coolies. He explains that “vampires are immensely strong and possess black powers that are far reaching. They abhor anything bearing holy symbols, and fear the word of the lord. In Europe, they walk in dread of the crucifix. Here, it would be the image of the Lord Buddha. These are our protection”. Sounds kinda sketchy to me, but hey, that’s cultural diversity for you.

According to Van Helsing, stakes and beheading still work here, but what they really have to watch out for is preventing the remaining six vampires from retrieving the golden jewelry that our intrepid band has stolen from them. This, apparently, would bring back the seventh vampire, which for some reason would be a really bad thing. I’m unclear on the details.

Van Helsing somehow feels that he’s been there before, “a kind of been there before feeling”. He knows that the brothers (it turns out they’re the blue suit gang after all) are going in the right direction toward their lost village. And, even though there’s nothing living within 20 miles, Van Helsing will not defer to his son Leland’s pleas to go back.

They take shelter in a cave the following night, and of course, it’s flush with bats. They turn into the (now six) golden vampires, with swords in hand (where did those come from?), and on with the kung fu! Club fu, dirt-in-the-face fu, spear fu, do a little dance, make a little love fu, and enough chop-socky action to satisfy the most die-hard martial arts fan. When Van Helsing directs them to “Strike at their hearts!”—even with fists—when they connect, the vampires turn to dust. And, sure enough, the statue of the Buddha that the brothers seem to have brought with them makes one vamp drop and disintegrate into nothing just at the sight of it. This somehow fails to suspend disbelief.

More blue-on-black action, and I’m pretty sure by this point that the black gang are the vampires, although that wasn’t initially clear…. Now everybody’s got those cool spears that have the little red ribbons on the end so you can’t see exactly where the tips are (where do all these weapons come from?). Oh, okay, now, in addition to the black gang with golden masks, we have the green gang, who seem to be ghouls or zombies—they must be the ones that were coming out of the ground previously. But when the kung fu reinforcements show up—I think they’re the virgins that were sacrificed earlier—they are so susceptible to fire that they’re pretty easily dispensed with. It does bring up the tension a bit, but mostly extends the fight scenes. Between being able to take care of these guys with strikes to the heart, which turns them to dust, and throwing them in the fire, which, well, burns them to death, we get a lot of bang for our buck. The brothers make short work of the overpowering numbers of undead, which, of course, takes longer than we’d like, only to find that the nameless yet buxom white lady has suddenly become a vampire. She gets the stake.

More fighting, fangs, blood, and some blue-suited brothers die well. Finally, when Van Helsing confronts “Count Dracula”, he is kind enough to return to his true form so that he can “Once more see my face—before you die!” Then a crappy Wolfman-style transformation turns him back into the European Dracula we all know and love. Why they couldn’t have gotten Christopher Lee to do this little cameo is beyond me. Maybe he wanted a bigger part. In any case, Dracula begins the final round by bitch-slapping Van Helsing a couple of times, which gets him a quick bamboo spear to the heart. He decays, and his smoking body falls into a skeletal pile of ashes that eventually disappears altogether. And so ends The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula.

This is not a movie you want to mess with. Part Jungle Goddess, part Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, and part Master with Cracked Fingers, not even a beautiful digital restoration of a very good print by Anchor Bay could save this film. I just watched it, and I’m telling you, skip it this Halloween.

Favorite line: “Hear ye, great demons of Hell, watch over these, thy disciples! That do we dedicate ourselves to your service, and your command!” Never a more generic black magic ritual has ever been heard.

Another movie to stay far, far away from this Halloween is Blood Tide.

Nun warns nice lady to stay away from religious relics made of wood from 2000 years before the time of Christ. Swimsuit model in literally next to nothing on the beach jazzercises to eighties music on a ghetto blaster. Then, she removes the next to and goes for a dip as lecherous Greeks gawk. Something in the water is interested in her, ala Jaws. She dies to the synth music and becomes the blood in the water that spawns the name. James Earl Jones stars, who makes his appearance right about then, but even with him, and a second-rate Jose Ferrer, this film doesn’t qualify as anything but dollar bin fodder. Every actor makes bad career decisions, and this one was Jones’. A foot washes up on shore, a diver surfaces in an underwater cave, to an angry Jones, who is pointing a flashlight/speargun getup at him and doesn’t seem happy. Might be some pirate treasure involved.

Don’t see Blood Tide. It leaves you with the same feeling you get after having watched a lesser Night Gallery: I just spent some time of my life that Ill never get back, but with additional bad memories of crappy movie that I’ll never be able to forget. The worst of both worlds. Oh, and it has some annoying kids that like to play ring around the rosy on the cliff face, loudly chanting something we can’t quite make out. Stay well away from this one. You’ll fall asleep, or explode, or both.

And now some movies that you should watch this Halloween:

30 Days of Night: This was a bit of a sleeper at the box office, and it has a rather slow setup during the first act as we are introduced to the cast of characters. As the town of Barrow, Alaska hits its arctic 2 month-long night, however, a coven of feral, inhumanly fast vampires falls across its inhabitants and thus begins a very cruel game of hide and seek with casualties on both sides. Don’t let the kids watch this one—it scared the pants off of me. But please do see it. It’s now an inexpensive rental, so won’t put a dent in your pocketbook, but you will be very happy with the results. Perhaps the best vampire movie since Near Dark. Hell, maybe better.

More good choices this year: any of the Blade movies, particularly Blade 2. Great vampire flicks. Nothing wrong with the first one, but 2 is made by the always-weird but always-good Geuirllmo Del Toro. Speaking of which, Hellboy is another exceptional pick. This film gets a bad rap much of the time, but if you enjoy fast-paced yet intelligent storytelling with dazzling yet believable special effects, and a solid H.P. Lovecraft influence, Hellboy is an excellent selection. Good sense of humor, lots of historical occult references, wonderful action sequences, and the Nazis are the bad guys. What more could you want? Get the directors’ cut 2-disc edition, and enjoy the lengthy and informative behind-the-scenes making-of extras. The animatronic and remote-control servos put into the special effects are to die for.

A good Lucio Fulci film, City of the Living Dead. I thoroughly enjoyed it. An excellent choice if people may be coming in and out and, as host, you might not have a full attention span. Of course, the best film for this sort of hosting would be Herk Harvey’s Carnival of Souls, shot right here in Lawrence, KS. The 2-disc director’s cut includes commentary from both director Herk Harvey and screenwriter John Clifford, both of Centron Films fame. Outstanding film, called “The lost Twilight Zone episode”, and even George Romero admitted that it was a big influence on Night of the Living Dead.

The City of the Dead, B&W. A resounding witchcraft tale with Christopher Lee and several classical Shakespearean and British radio actors in the cast. City gets off to a great start in the16th century by burning a woman at the stake as a witch… but since she really is a witch, interesting things happen when she curses the town and all their descendants down to the last generation. Then things fast-forward into the 20th century where we spend most of the rest of the film. Lee plays a professor that advises a female student that wants to know more about the subject of his lecture—witchcraft—to visit a village called Whitehouse and stay at the Raven’s inn, which she does. And that’s when the witch hits the fan. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, and spoilers to other reviews. Special features include commentary with Christopher Lee, or with director John Moxey, interviews with both, trailer, and more.

Listening to the Christopher Lee commentary is an enjoyable cinematic experience—his deep booming voice while watching the picture is like he’s in the room watching the film with you (regardless of your sound system). Lee references H.P. Lovecraft in the commentary and even uses the word “Lovecraftian” to describe the atmosphere of the film (and “Mythos” and “The Old Ones”. He also discusses Sleepy Hollow, Johnny Depp’s British accent, etc.). The anonymous fan interviewing him during the film makes him feel like an accessible actor rather than Hollywood royalty or international film star—both of which he legitimately is.

Great film. Good story, well written and acted. Do watch it. But, if you must entertain guests, this is a good one to just put on and listen to if you don’t have music playing (or if it’s in the other room). Available on DVD from VCI Entertainment.

Constantine: Absofreakinlutely. If you passed this one up in the theater, this is a GREAT selection for a Halloween film. I generally don’t like Keanu Reeves (funny, I keep saying that, but he keeps paying off), but he is just fine in this role, based on the Hellblazer comic and well rounded out with a good cast and perhaps better special effects. Tight screenwriting and a taught, well-paced story about a supernatural private investigator hired by a woman (Rachel Weisz) whose psychic twin sister (Weisz) commits suicide by jumping from the roof of the hospital she’s in—or does she? John Constantine, well-played by Mr. Reeves, has a little of the devil in him, himself, and having pissed off Mr. Lucifer already, has one last chance to trick Old Scratch to gain redemption, or his own damned soul will be the Devil’s treat.

He’s up against forces that don’t want him to discover the truth—which start out to allure and distract, and turn into encounters with near-unbeatable enemies. Constantine is a keeper. Get it. Includes appearances from Lucifer, Gabriel, and lots of great scenes in what LA would look like if it were hell (yeah, I know, it’s hell already). The faceless demons with the tops of their skulls cut off are a nifty special effect that’s sure to please horror fans. Excellent extras and deleted scenes round out an already good DVD to help tell the story. Personal friend John Shirley (Screenwriter of The Crow) wrote the novelization of the film, which tells the story even better and fills in details. If you enjoy a dark story that moves along quickly and reads like a gripping, apocalyptic tale, pick up the paperback tie-in to Constantine, too.

Zach Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead: A great remake. See it before you trash it. Remember that this is Zach Snyder’s (300, Sin City, Watchmen) breakout feature film, and boasts Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames and Matt Frewer (Max Headroom) in the cast. This was my favorite film of 2004, and if you remember nothing else from this review, remember to watch it all the way to the end of the credits. Trust me. Excellent special features include special makeup effects (they had so many zombie extras that, in addition to makeup master Gregory Nicotero, a dozen volunteer makeup artists did 20 to 30 zombies an hour each), a great short film about gun store owner Andy’s last stand, and one of the final appearances of Babylon 5 regular Richard Biggs (Guiding Light), shortly before succumbing to cancer. Biggs portrays a news anchor broadcasting emergency information as the calamity of the living dead continues. A convincing and fun performance.

Demonic: Blood, breasts and beasts—and that’s just in the dream sequence after the credits. Tom Savini (SFX master for George Romero’s Dead films) stars. Don’t fool yourself—it’s a low budget flick, but it features a good enough cast, fine cinematography and plenty of originality. Unfortunately, most films like this suffer from pacing problems, and Demonic is no exception, but once you’re in, you’re hooked. This might have been a better hour-long episode of Masters of Horror for ShowTime, but it does very well despite a slow second act.

We’re treated to power tools, dream sequences of orgies of the dead, and death poetry from the guy that made George Romero’s films look good. If you like to see hot living dead naked chicks licking and kissing everything in sight including each other, and then do some major feasting on the living, this is your kind of movie. This is what I call a “Gore Grazer”. Kind of like a cross between The Brides of Dracula, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Satan’s Cheerleaders. These bitches mean business.

Don’t worry, it’s all soft-core. It’s better than any Friday the 13th movie or Freddy flick, hands down. Savini turns in his best performance since Nightriders. There is some experimental cinematography using StarLite filters on the cameras, using only existing light (like the military use) that makes the actors’ eyes look evil indeed. It’s actually quite effective. And it has a twist ending that’s very fulfilling. Make sure to stay tuned all the way through the credits. That’s where the best part of the story takes place, and probably the best sound effects and music. A lot of dedication and ingenuity went into this movie, and it shows.

Favorite quote: “Don’t look in their eyes!” Pretty tough to do while being torn apart…

The Spanish version of Universal’s Dracula – Same sets, same costumes—different cast, director and obviously, language. Many say the Spanish language version is better than the Lugosi/Tod Browning version we grew up with—and I can’t say either way. It’s damned good.

Fangs of the Living Dead: Written & Directed by Amando D’ Ossorio. Sylvia, the spitting image of her grandmother, Mylenka, is the new countess since her mother died. Visiting from Rome, she is now the new owner of the castle, where her mother is buried in the family crypt. Her grandmother was an alchemist that was “burned alive at the stake by a murderous, ignorant mob in the Village Square. “She was a brilliant biochemist that refused to accept the limitations of the previous century’s scientific limitations. And so she studied ancient Arabic philosophers and compiled anthologies of black magic and sorcery. She conducted strange experiments in order to prove the existence of the supernatural. Of the transmutation of the spirit, and of the body, and life beyond death. But her experiments terrified the ignorant! And ever since her death, the family has lived under a curse. And because Sylvia is Mylenka’s descendant, because her blood runs through her veins, she, too must live under the curse—she can never marry”. Which is seriously bad news for her new fiancé…

Okay, here’s the story. When I was a kid, I saw Tombs of the Blind Dead on KCTV’s Friday Fright Night and was enthralled. I never knew what it was called for 20 years until I met the guys in Chicago’s The House of Monsters specialty store, and a friend of the store enlightened me. When it came out on remastered DVD, I bought the boxed set, which was released in the shape of a coffin. It included the official sequels, Return of the Evil Dead, Night of the Seagulls, The Ghost Galleon, and a special disc simply known as “Blind Dead Bonus” about the life and work of director Amando D’ Ossorio, who started out as an art director for other films. Fangs of the Living Dead is something I discovered, happily, later, although it’s an earlier, unrelated offering from 1969. The perfect prescription.

The reason I was so entranced with Tombs as a kid is that the story was about rogue knights Templar that had repudiated Christ and gotten into the occult and black magic while they were off in the Holy Land. Because of their deal with the devil, the crazy crusaders were granted immortality, but not life, and their eyes eventually rotted or were plucked out by birds. When they returned to Rome, they were blind. Of course, it was now modern-day Italy—the swinging sixties or seventies—and everything was different other than their old digs. In the early going, we see some desiccated skeletal hands slowly opening their coffin lids… and because the scenes in which these strange beings appear were shot in slow-motion, we’re treated to scenes of these really cool skeletal undead beings on creepy-looking horses riding around in full armor with a slow, murmuring chanting like monks in the background. Very cool atmospheric audio—now in THX (which may be overkill, frankly). And, of course, eventually some nubile women find their way into the tombs of the undead Templar knights, and because they are blind, the only way they can find their victims is by listening for their heartbeats. Only by staying very quiet can you escape the Blind Dead.

Well, I thought this was pretty darn cool when I was, I dunno, twelve or thirteen—and when I got the boxed set I was just thrilled—to death.

Fangs of the Living Dead is a more straight-up vampire story… but still has the Euro-horror cinematic style of the Paul Naschy films and the panache of the continental horror films of the day. The digital remaster is excellent and the movie has a funny twist ending. Choice Halloween viewing.

Incubus: B&W. William Shatner leads an entire film in Esperanto. ‘Nuff Said. It takes a lot of balls to make an entire feature in Esperanto. A classic film. The thing about classics is, everyone wants to have seen them, but nobody wants to see them. Take a chance. It’s Shatner, for chrissakes. Remember, there are subtitles, and it’s kind of— Shakespearean. This one’s a date movie. If your date’s a linguist.

Underworld: Many people seem to have complaints about one or another of the Underworld trilogy, but they all have something to offer. I enjoyed all three of them, and if your favorite video shop don’t have the first one, that’s okay, ‘cause the second one is a prequel. Or the third one is. Hell, I don’t remember. They all pretty much rock. But—if you’re only in it for Kate Beckinsale (who is fine, just fine), make sure you watch either one or two—she ain’t in three.

And, the first of the two films I plan to bring to my friend’s party this year:

The Fearless Vampire Killers, or Pardon Me, but Your Fangs Are in My Neck

This is a topical choice as it’s directed by the always-good Roman Polanski and stars his then-wife Sharon Tate—whose lives were ruined by the murderous Manson Family Gang. The movie takes place in a snowbound medieval Bavarian town, in the valley of a mountain on the top of which sits a castle infamously inhabited by vampires. Two vampire hunters (including a young Polanski looking not a little unlike a short, feckless Danny Kaye) stop in the village and take shelter for the night at an inn, where they meet the beautiful young innkeeper’s daughter (Tate), and when they get on their way the next day, they make the long climb up to the castle. As the sun sets, the FVK discover that the castle’s plan to throw a classy vampire ball, and have so they have to find better threads. The glamorous dresses, costumes and sets for the undead dance are a feast for the eyes and when you add the dance itself, it is a stunning scene. It’s easy to see how any humans would be spellbound by such a visage.

The Fearless Vampire Killers is both a horror movie and a comedy, and heavy on the comedy. This is Roman Polanski when he was still in the blossom of love with his beautiful young wife, when he was an international star and an up-and-coming American director, fresh off of the critical and box office success of Repulsion and before the huge stardom that Chinatown would bring. A don’t-miss, perfect-for-Halloween film. If you need to turn the sound down for a party, it will still be a treat for the eyes.

The second part of my double feature this year is representative of a much later, darker Roman Polanski, The Ninth Gate. Starring Johnny Depp as a rare book finder and Frank Langella as a rich, eccentric collector, Langella employs Depp to determine which of three existing copies of The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows, is the real one by comparing small inconsistencies in the illustrations, as the incantation to summon up the devil himself to one’s bidding can only be found in the original—and it must be performed exactly correct. As Depp gets further into the plot, seemingly turning down the job and quitting every chance he gets, he becomes more tightly wound up into the plot and the harder he tries to escape, the more interested his character becomes. Sex, magic, and riches drive this remarkably well-paced psychological thriller, ever darker and darker, through three cosmopolitan cities and closer to the inevitable end.

The plotting of this film is so rich and well-written that one feels proud to have simply watched it. It’s a cerebral yet visceral film, less a horror movie than a fast-paced thriller with dark twist after gut-wrenching twist. Make sure that your guests have either left for the night, bedded down safely, or are willing to quiet down and pay attention, as The Ninth Gate is no leave-the-sound-downer. Rich and taught with tension, anxiety rising exponentially as we reach the climax, this film is perhaps Polanski’s most satisfying. It beats the hell out of Rosemary’s Baby.

Put these two into your Netflix queue now, as they will both become, like the Nine Gates itself, near impossible to find near Halloween.

Gil James Bavel is a science fiction writer, social satirist and freelance screenwriter living in Lawrence, KS. He graduated from the Institute for the Study of Science Fiction at Kansas University. October is his favorite month, he’s a horror movie buff, and admittedly a “bit of a Halloween geek”. Over the years he’s put on over two dozen Halloween displays for trick-or-treaters and parties, including window displays in downtown Lawrence three years in a row, which created a bit of a stir at the time. He lives in Lawrence where he continues to work in filmmaking, as a director and screenwriter.

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