Eastwick: Reaping and Sowing

By Lisa Fary

Now that I know that the village of Eastwick is actually Stars Hollow, it’s hard not to notice landmarks and relive the memories. I half expect Kirk to show up to install Darryl Van Horne’s internet.

Instead, we get Jamie. Roxy’s soon-to-be-murderer and current pirate-themed resident over her shop (which is really Luke’s diner – he should be in the back, cooking up pancakes and grumbling).

But first, Joanna makes a vagina shaped centerpiece in the square (the same square where Luke threw Rory’s graduation party, where Lorelai miraculously held her living art pose while her cell phone rang, where Lane and Zach had their wedding reception!).

Even though this is a 10PM show and it’s acceptable for Van Horne to walk around naked, women still can’t say “vagina”. The witches call it a “vajooz” or some cutesy euphemism like that.

For god’s sake, “vagina” isn’t a dirty word. Repeat after me:

Va. Gi. Na. VAGINA.

Kyle XY thinks he’s a sexual Batman because Roxy called him for sex at 4AM. Isn’t he cute? Asking Roxy for his own drawer! He noticed that she never opens the bottom one. He’s been such a good boy. Let him have the drawer! At least give him a Rubbermaid tub to keep under the bed.

Roxy’s daughter is not having a Hollywood rebound from her near-rape last week. She’s withdrawing, skipping the much awaited Harvest Festival to avoid her would-be-rapist, whom Roxy confronts. Rape Punk not-so-cleverly responds, “Yeah? Well, you’re a slut!” You know, because any woman pursuing her own sexual gratification is a slut (double slut if she says “vagina”).

Really, kid? Roxy is way bigger than you and you’re going to be a punk to her face? Your skinny thigh is the same size of her upper arm – she could pummel you without breaking a sweat.

But, she doesn’t. She backs down at the word “slut”, gets a wee bit physical, then angrily drives off. Van Horne says this is the problem with women. We don’t use our anger, instead choking it down like good girls.

“If you’re angry, you’re a bitch,” he says. “And if you’re a bitch, no one will love you.” He’s about to explain how to use this mystical power of anger when Kyle XY enters and demands to be Roxy’s boyfriend.

Hmmmm. 25 year old handyboy or curiously sexy older man? Youthful adoration or whatever Van Horne has? The Thinkle or the Voice?

Meanwhile, Joanna is investigating the real Darryl Van Horne. She’s gotten information that the real Darryl Van Horne died in 1984 and conducts her own investigation. You know she’s doing real research because she’s using microfiche. Ahhhh, microfiche. Memories of hours in my high school and college libraries. Annoyance that kids today can’t evem pronounce it.

Microfiche leads her to one Sebastian Hart, who disappeared around the same time the real Van Horne died, and who, apparently, was last photographed cosplaying as Lord Byron. In the photo he has the flowing locks, and even a half unbuttoned shirt.

It all leads her to a gypsy looking woman who lives in a junk yard (played by Cybili Shepherd), but still manages to pull her look together with a turban and one long diamond earring. In the full Sebastian/ Lord Byron pic, there are three women hanging off of him – Turban is one of them.

Why, yes. Of course she killed him in 1984.

Then there’s Kat, who I don’t really care about. Not that I’m biased against married moms or anything; I just really hate her husband. Although, maybe he’ll change now that Van Horne has enabled him to get his old job back.

It all ends ominously, with Van Horne vaguely threatening Joanna about her investigation. Rape Punk, reeling because three women are keeping eye contact, falls and hangs himself on a strand of holiday lights.

The witches are all horrified by this, but really, Rape Punk was asking for it. He was a gloating poop nugget all episode. He most likely had done it before, would do it again, and would keep on until he was stopped. In a small town like Eastwick, though, how likely is that? Roxy’s daughter said she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it because she didn’t want to be known as the “rape girl”.  How many girls like that are there around those parts?

But, that’s all too dark for a show about witches and the devil. Daughter makes a full Hollywood recovery by episode’s end so this icky rape issue can be checked off and Roxy can move forward with Kyle XY and a spare drawer.

Now, before I go, let’s say it one more time for good measure:

VAGINA.

Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She’s angry that it’s almost 2010 and she still doesn’t have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram.

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