Debbie Does Marine Paleontology!

By Lisa Fary

I’m not sure what’s more awesomely bad: the mega-shark and giant octopus or Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas. Before I could make up my mind, Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus got achingly bad, kind of like the first time I heard “Electric Youth” and realized I’d embarked on the first milestone of tweendom: the inevitable pop idol let down.

Let’s be clear: I never expected anything but laughs from this movie. And I got ‘em. Mostly. But, it was laughing like that time my college roommate fell backward out of her desk chair: involuntary, inappropriately timed, and just unfair.

We open on stock footage, alternating between the ocean and a majestic, snow covered mountain range in Alaska (I see Sarah Palin’s house!). An ice shelf collapses in a stunningly bad display of cheap CG work. There’s a helicopter dropping charges into the water and there’s Debbie! Driving a mini-submarine! Aww, look at Debbie acting like a scientist (a marine biologist – I wonder if she knows George Costanza), trying to make whales dance to Mozart!

Then the whales are in a stampede! It’s the charges! More ice shelf collapses, revealing the mega shark and giant octopus frozen inside the glacier! The glacier shatters and they’re free!

The frozen beasts thaw out instantly and swim off, which is impressive considering that it takes hours for a pound of frozen tilapia to thaw out on my kitchen counter. These prehistoric fish are ready to eat right out of the package.

Once thawed, the creatures start attacking things. Giant Octopus goes for a Japanese oil rig called the Kobayashi Drilling Platform (Get it? It’s like Kobayashi Maru!) while Mega-Shark goes for an airplane. Yep. An airplane. Mega-Shark jumps out of the ocean and intercepts a commercial airplane, helpfully labeled Condor Airlines (Get it? Condors are extinct, dude!).

And whales. A huge whale killed by Megashark washes up on the beach and, for some reason, is guarded by Agent Smith Wannabees while Dr. Debbie argues with her boss (she’s spunky!). This is followed by Dr. Debbie drinking a wine cooler in a paper bag. In heels. On the beach.

Sadly, this is not the most embarrassing thing Dr. Debbie does (that would be the Japanese scientist).

My favorite parts of Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus were the sciencey montages (there were two, or three if you count the one interrupted by Dr. Debbie shaking her love with the Japanese scientist as two montages). Brows furrow, beakers fill then empty, a giant tooth somehow gets analyzed by a Commodore 64. Different colored liquids are poured from test tube to test tube, heads shake in frustration, more furrowed brows.

Also Lorenzo Lamas. The oil in his hair could solve the energy crisis. I just couldn’t tell if he was military or not – there isn’t a branch whose uniform is “Steven Seagal circa 1990”.

There also isn’t a branch that requires a uniform of black janitor’s overalls with a khaki net belt and Barack Obama’s missing flag lapel pin, but that’s what passes for the Navy in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus. That lapel pin must mean the captain’s rank is “patriot”.

There wasn’t enough in the budget to rent Top Gun or The Hunt for Red October in order to observe some proper Naval uniforms and insignia. All the money went toward baby oil for Lorenzo Lamas’s hair and Debbie Gibson’s eye make-up.

Let Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus be a beacon of hope to creators. If someone put up the money to make this flaming poop nugget, someone will put up money to make your flaming poop nugget. Debbie Gibson will be awaiting your call.

Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She’s angry that it’s almost 2010 and she still doesn’t have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram.

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