By Lisa Fary
A 1966 sci-fi horror with Dennis Hopper and Forrest J. Ackerman? Totally!
The year is 1990. Space travel to the Moon and beyond is common and humanity is about to explore Mars. There have been many technological developments, but women are still relegated to communications work. Laura James, communications professional, has intercepted a signal from. . . aliens! They’re going to send an ambassador to Earth!
But, wait. Tragedy strikes. Something’s happened on board the alien ship. Luckily, they were able to send a home video to Earth detailing their journey. It’s artsy and moody, with long shots lingering on inconsequential objects. Then, the home video footage turns red. Earth scientists determine that the aliens have crash landed on Mars.
Annnnd. . . . there goes Forry Ackerman, ladies and gentlemen. Forry Ackerman, playing “Lab Coat Entourage Member #1.
A rescue mission is assembled: Laura James will go with Dennis Hopper and another dude on the first ship. Her fiance and still another guy will take a second ship some time later.
And they talk. And talk. They back their rockets up to the surface of Mars (because that’s how you land – opposite to the way you blasted off). They talk some more. Dennis Hopper makes some funny faces in the background. They wander around Mars. A second rocket is launched. They talk. They back their rocket up. . . .
Wait. How long is this? 78 minutes? That’s it? I feel like I’ve been watching this for two hours already. There’s how many minutes left? 45? Are you kidding me????
60 of Queen of Blood’s 78 minutes are spent on meandering plot stuff that has nothing to do with the titular Queen of Blood. When she finally shows up, she’s a mute green chick with a white beehive hairdo. I’m calling her QBlood.
The best part was this wacko scene wherein QBlood first awakes from her coma and makes goo-goo eyes at the male astronauts, then throws a catty bitch sneer at the astronautette. After about three minutes of this, the captain says, “Shouldn’t we get going?”
Once QBlood starts picking off crew members, it moves pretty quickly. It has to, since there’s only ten minutes left. Laura James is horrified by QBlood’s dietary needs, but gets a stern talking to about using her own Earth morals to judge another species. “It’s no different than humans eating meat!” the captain announces.
Soon, it’s just Laura and her fiance left. One day out from their homecoming, QBlood attacks the fiance and gets herself killed by Laura (via a scratch of righteousness).
The End???? Nope.
Once they’ve landed, they discover that QBlood has left eggs all over the ship. Round, pulsating red eggs in green goo, like J-Ello Jigglers from hell. It’s an alien conspiracy! We must trust the scientists to do what’s right! Laura and fiance go back and forth for the last remaining minute. Then it’s over.
Oh my god, this was boring. There were some discussions that could have been interesting had they been allowed to continue or integrated into the theme. I could see some conflict between Laura’s reactionary Cold War era fear of the Other and the men’s rationality and belief in science. However, I read that Queen of Blood was cobbled together from pirated footage of Russian science fiction movies and new footage shot with American actors. Probably not planned out enough for that kind of conflict.
Flash summary: A few moments of Dennis Hopper punctuated with science talk. For a better viewing experience, skip Queen of Blood and just flip back and forth between History Channel’s The Universe and Blue Velvet.
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Lisa Fary’s early exposure to classic Battlestar Galactica in 1979 is largely responsible for her lifelong interest in science fiction and her childhood ambition of being an intergalactic space cowgirl. She thinks diagramming sentences is a fun alternative to Sudoku.
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
Sounds like I plan on missing this! Thanks for screening it.