Dear ScAbby: Advice and Etiquette for Zombies

By Sonia Aurora

Dilemma #1:
Her Zombie Boyfriend Only Wants Her for Her Brain

Dear ScAbby,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the last 3 months, and I’m starting to really fall for him. We met at a friend’s “Bring your single buddy” party and we really hit it off. I love that we’re both from small towns trying to make it in the big city. He’s sort of quiet and a little shy. The problem is that now it’s becoming clear to me he only has one thing on his mind. And I’m really not sure what to do because I think I love him but if I give in, well, I’ll lose a big part of myself. I really want to believe he wants me for who I am and not what I can give him.

Oh, I guess I should mention that my boyfriend is a zombie. It isn’t his fault he became a zombie, I mean, he just got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time when the meteor hit. I’m the first real relationship he’s had since he turned, and I know he’s really trying, but he never notices when I wear my pretty little outfits and even though he’ll grunt that he likes my new low cut top, I catch him staring at my forehead all the time. Once, I even caught him licking his lips! I’m starting to cringe whenever he runs his fingers through my hair. But I’m also afraid that if I don’t give in, he’ll just eat one of my friend’s brains. I just couldn’t stand it if he picked a smarter friend than me! ScAbby, what can I do?

Signed,
He Only Wants Me for My Brain

Dear He Only Wants Brain:
Well, it’s always tough to be in a relationship where the person has something very different from you, whether it’s a different culture, race or religion, or, in this case, a different set of eating habits. One always needs to adjust. First of all, you can’t think that if he decides to dine on one of your friends that it’s any reflection on you or your relationship – it just means that he was hungry and that your friend was nearby. And even if he is staring at you and thinking about what your brains might taste like, please don’t give in. You’ll both just wind up regretting it in the morning.

Dilemma #2
High School Zombie

Dear Scabby,
I had just turned 13 when I became a zombie and had to transfer to a new school. I’m starting to have urges that I didn’t expect to have. I’ve been ok up until now eating cat, dog and bird brains, but lately I’m starting to look at my classmates for potential nourishment. It usually starts to happen in Biology and with my lab partner, Barbara. She’s just so smart and when she starts talking about DNA  I can’t help but want cut her head open and feed. I feel horrible because she’s really nice to me and I want to be her friend. I like what her brain has to offer in terms of smarts, not just as food, but I can’t help it. I wound up eating the frog brain during our dissection and we wound up losing a whole grade because of it. How can I distract myself from thinking about brains while I’m in school?

Signed,
Confused Teenage Zombie

Dear Teenage Zombie:
Even cannibals have friends and they know who to feed from and who is off limits. You have to start setting boundaries. I think that what you need to do is look into some extracurricular activities and, if you think its time to start feeding off human brains, you really need to go off campus and look in nearby towns or morgues. Because you’re new, you don’t want to be known as the guy who started eating his classmates. You won’t get invited to any of the cool parties! And I think that when you’re in class and you feel an urge coming on, it might be a good idea to have some brain snacks with you to curb your appetite.

Bon appetit!

Dilemma #3
The Zombie Fiancé

Dear ScAbby,
My son brought his fiancé over to the house the other night and it turns out she’s a zombie! I was mortified because I had nothing to serve her by way of brains. And I’m very upset with my son for not telling us. He’s done this to us before, having once brought home a werewolf who wound up eating our beloved schnauzer. She was very sweet and polite and quite, but I think she felt alone without anything to really eat. My husband didn’t help matters when he left the living room and reemerged with four baseball caps firmly planted on his head (can I mention he’s balding?). Anyway, I know my son loves this girl, so what can I do to ease my husband’s paranoia? And Thanksgiving is coming soon – what can I do to offer her so she doesn’t starve or – worse yet – resort to just her natural urges?

Signed,
Future Zombie Mother in Law

Dear Zombie M-I-L
It’s very sweet that you want to reach out to this zombie girl and make her feel welcome. I highly recommend the “Zombie Living Comfort Food” and “Brains Made Easy”, which you can find in most bookstores. You can also go online and find many recipes. I suggest contacting your local morgues, as many undertakers these days take great care to pickle and preserve brains for just these occasions.
As for your husband’s paranoia, I think it’s best that your son sit down with him and explain that she is not interested in eating his brains, but in being a new part of your family. And maybe, he should invest in a toupee. Just in case.

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About Sonia Aurora: Aspiring screenwriter and seamstress, Sonia’s dream is to write life-changing films while product-placing her own line of handbags. In 1999, she wrote, co-directed and co-starred in the short film Dr. Lovestrange, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bug, a satirical homage to Stanley Kubrick set amidst the panic of Y2K (Featured on ifilm.com & Coming Soon to YouTube!). While Sonia waits patiently for the Studios to call, she continues her selfless, humanitarian efforts (think Mother Teresa) through her scripts, short stories and sewing (a true triple-threat!), knowing all the while that someday her efforts will indeed save (or at least mildly tweak) the world. She still struggles with which picture to kiss before bedtime: her boyfriend’s or Bruce Campbell’s. And, in the interest of time, she’d like to start thanking the Academy now.

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