Ask an Amateur Scientist: The Zombie Cabbie

By Brian Thompson

I. The Setup

What defines a zombie? If there’s anything we learned from the Dawn of the Dead remake (other than the facts that Zack Snyder can work a camera and Sarah Polley is the hotness), it’s that no two zombies are alike. Some amble, others run. Some retain a bit of their pre-zombie personality, others are mindless droolers. Some eat brains, others eat flesh and brains. Resurrection seems to be a defining quality, though vampires and Highlanders are also resurrected. But unlike vampires and Highlanders, zombies are neither irresistibly sexy nor immortal. So, if we had to slap a label on him, “zombie” would be the best word to describe former South African taxi driver Nkosinathi Ntsente.

zombie-cabbie Eight years ago, Ntsente drove a minibus for hire in and around the village of Hluleka. As you no doubt already know, driving a cab in South Africa is dangerous business, what with all the bitter rivalries between competing taxi gangs. (This is true.) One night, Ntsente’s minibus was overrun by a white cab on a deserted road. He was pulled out of his vehicle, and as the rival cabbie put a gun to his head, Ntsente’s consciousness left his body. He saw himself shot in the forehead, the right knee, the stomach, and the spine. Taxi gangs are nothing if not thorough.

Ntsente watched as his broken body was brought to a local hospital, where it was autopsied and placed in cold storage until his family held a vigil and funeral. It was then he realized that he was actually in a new body. He hadn’t so much risen from the grave as been reborn before a resurrection was necessary. His new zombie flesh was just as pristine and ruggedly handsome as his old flesh. But before he could return to his village and continue his life as an imperceptibly different undead creature, he was kidnapped by four witches, who took him to a dark forest full of other zombies.

Ain’t that just the way?

The witches forced Ntsente to drink blood and eat sorghum and wild berries, though he wouldn’t bend completely to their evil will. When the witches discovered he was too strong to do their evil bidding, they cast him out. Eight years had passed, and on March 23, 2009, Ntsente’s uncle and mother found him wandering around their village. Ever since, he’s entertained pilgrims who’ve come from all around to hear the tale of the zombie cabbie. And perhaps to buy some handcrafted local trinkets. You know, as last minute birthday presents or something.

II. The Findings

Few actual facts are known about this case, so we’re going to have to break it down logically. The first and most obvious question that pops to mind is, of course, who the hell did they bury? Ntsente is clearly alive, and while it’s possible he could be a resurrected zombie, this is unlikely due to the fact that zombies don’t exist. So we have to assume that if a body was buried, it wasn’t his. Either way, there’s no easy answer.

Ntsente’s uncle, Washington Qalingoma, says he believed Ntsente had been abducted eight years ago, which would seem to suggest he never saw a body. Ntsente’s mother, Mabhikani, insists, however, that she buried her son. If there was no body, this means the woman is insane. In a country that seems to be full of witchdoctors, witch hunters, and AIDS deniers, insanity is a real possibility. And it’s easily preferable to the alternative-that Mabhikani buried someone who wasn’t her son.

Regardless, I can’t think of a better reason to exhume a body than if the supposedly dead person turns up alive. Why anyone hasn’t done this already is beyond me, though I suppose people don’t want to piss off those witches.

Speaking of, it doesn’t seem like these witches are running a very tight ship. Shouldn’t they punish their zombie minions for not following their evil commands? If a convict refused to wash the dishes on mess duty, you wouldn’t reward him with his freedom. Where’s the motivation to do evil? Sure, Ntsente could have just been the first zombie to figure out he didn’t have to do what the witches said, but you’d think the rest of them would have learned from his example. If so, where are they? And how can a witch hold a witching job when she can’t even maintain her own zombies?

In my (amateur) expert opinion, this story just doesn’t add up.

III. The Conclusion

But that hasn’t stopped pilgrims from traveling to meet Ntsente and touch his zombie skin. What they hope to gain from this is anyone’s guess, but they may be cut off at the source pretty soon. Ntsente says he’s tired of telling his story over and over again, and who can blame him? Even if he’s not really an undead abomination, whatever the hell he’s been doing the last eight years had to wear him out. At the very least, he needs a good long nap.

But his old friend Duma Ndzendze thinks Ntsente may need a little more than a few winks. Speaking for the local taxi gang, Ndzendze said, “We are going to support him until he fully recovers. Right now his mind does not sound stable.”

Yes indeed, Duma. Yes indeed.

Never miss an update. Subscribe to Pink Raygun by Email or subscribe via RSS

About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university and a regular blogger at CHUD. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.

Can’t get enough amateur science? Join Brian for The Amateur Scientist Podcast.