Smallville: Hex
By TrinityVixen
So many missed opportunities this week, it’s hard to know where to begin. How about we start with the travesty of divesting Zatanna, bad-ass mistress of magic, of all her confidence, skill, and basic intelligence? Do let’s.
Season Eight, Episode Seventeen
Zatanna’s introduction on Smallville is a chance to revisit one of Clark Kent’s less frequently exploited weaknesses: the Man of Steel is canonically vulnerable to magic. (We will vaguely recall that this was demonstrated in season four and that is as far as we will strain ourselves to remember anything about that season, okay?) Zatanna hasn’t got the magical chops yet, however, to pose any serious threat to Clark Kent. She “only” has the ability to grant wishes and do the odd command in back-to-front English. For all that she claims to be inexperienced at her spellcraft, Zatanna has some not inconsiderable power.
Too bad she uses it mostly to cause harmless mischief (that she thereafter washes her hands of). After being brutally abandoned by her drug-addled husband, Chloe celebrates the world’s saddest birthday, wherein her best friend never shows because he’s out saving people as the Red-Blue Himbo; her cousin skips out on an assignment from what was Chloe’s dream career; and Oliver Queen only stays long enough to give her somebody else’s gift before dropping her off with the oddly dressed magic lady. Zatanna, having apparently crashed the club where Chloe is “celebrating” in order to do PR for her magic show, sniffs out some desperation and tells Chloe to make a wish on the sadly misshapen cupcake Lois made for her birthday. Jealously watching Lois flounce off to be the reporter she cannot be, Chloe makes her wish…
…and ends up inside a fanfic. This time, it’s that one where Chloe Sullivan is Lois Lane. Except it’s not the way that fandom wanted it. Chloe wakes up the morning after her fateful wishing in a reasonable facsimile of Lois Lane’s body. It’s not a body-swap per se, since Lois is still chasing down leads in a foreign country, but Chloe is definitely not herself any longer. She struggles to get any of her petite-and-perky outfits over Lois’s rather buxom frame and goes to live out Lois’s life at The Daily Planet.
There are some passable “Gee, Lois, what’s wrong with you today?” scenes as Clark unknowingly treats the woman who looks like his partner as though she were his partner. The oh-so-zany fun comes to a crashing halt when Clark lets slip that a) he had time enough to answer Lois’s phone calls while saving the citizens of Metropolis but not to attend Chloe’s party; and b) he isn’t automatically on Chloe’s side following her nasty breakup with her husband. Way to be a taintsmacker, Clark. Chloe is always on his side, but when it comes to her or Jimmy Olsen, he’s a “there are two sides to every story” kind of guy. Someone remind me why he’s her best friend?
Chloe-as-Lois tolerates this nonsense only so far as their field trip out to a stand-off in progress. A man screaming in Latin drops Zatanna’s name enough times for Chloe to get the wiggins and clue into the reason for her shape-change. The man also says something about needing to stop Zatanna from doing some other Very Bad Thing. When Chloe seamlessly translates, Clark gapes at “Lois” knowing Latin. Chloe confesses, Clark almost believably backtracks and attempts to apologize for his comments Re: Jimmy. Because it’s Chloe, she forgives him and just pushes on to confront Zatanna. Because it’s Clark, he blusters into making a wish within minutes of meeting Zatanna. Chloe learns that she has to stop wanting to be Lois to shake her transformation, but in the process she loses Clark to his wish to live a heroics-free life.
While Chloe-as-Lois all but bashes Clark over the head in order to prove that he’s super, Zatanna hits up Oliver Queen for a favor. She picks the right time to play on his regrets; he’s dwelling on the moral quandary of having assassinated Lex Luthor. Turns out, her thoughts jog along a similar track: Lex Luthor has a magic tome that Zatanna needs. If Oliver produces it, he can have a wish of his very own. (Oliver’s getting gypped—he has to work for the favors Zatanna was tossing out for free to everyone else.) She hints (with anvils) that he might even wish someone back from the dead. For all that Oliver might rue having executed Lex Luthor, I doubt he wants the man back again. (Wouldn’t Lex be inordinately pissed off at Ollie for murdering him?)
Reviving the dead must just be preying on Zatanna’s mind: she needs the tome in the first place to bring back her deceased father. Oliver fetches it, attempts to destroy it, and runs afoul of Zatanna’s one display of raw power. She binds him with some arbadacarba and vamooses to the roof of The Daily Planet in order to perform her spell. Chloe drags Clark to stop her, performs the requisite and mundane magic of reviving Clark’s dismal sense of duty. No good deed goes unpunished: no sooner does Chloe perform two miracles at once—giving up her jealousy and giving Clark back his memories of being a hero—than Chloe ends up sucked into a vortex as the sacrifice of life needed to bring back the dead. Zatanna had intended to exchange her own life for her father’s, as apparently he had done in the first place. (Who are these people? Are they related to the Winchesters?) Clark doesn’t need super strength or speed to talk Zatanna down from killing his friend. There’s a speech about Zatanna needing to let go, and how Clark really understands her pain over losing her father. (He can do her one better: he’s lost three.) It works because Clark’s sense of self-righteousness is his most powerful ability.
Zatanna poofs out of everyone’s lives without much further to do with any of our heroes. She has learned her valuable lesson, care of Clark Kent, and can thus go on to be a wiser, more responsible magician. Oliver has her card, too, so she’s another auxiliary member of the proto-JLA. That makes two ladies getting their membership cards this week as Chloe decides to fully embrace her destiny and become Watchtower once more. We wasted Zatanna but we gained a Watchtower. I suppose we have to call that a win.
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About TrinityVixen: There’s an asterisk on TrinityVixen’scollege transcript that assures anyone who reads it that, though there is no specific major, degree, or certificate for it, she did, in fact, complete some kind of creative writing program as an undergrad. Armed with that symbol of irrelevant experience, she has polluted the internet with her opinions and horrible fanworks ever since (and for quite a long while before). Living poor in New York until she finds a means to become independently wealthy, she must subsist on the juicy meat of fandom. Fandom and noodles. And instant soup.
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Oh. Huh. I didn't even consider that Zatanna was offering to bring back Lex for Oliver. I thought she was hinting about his parents, what with the whole my-dad-died thing.
I am very proud of Chloe for working through her dissatisfaction and jealousy, though. I've missed her being Watchtower at mission control. She seems really well suited to it, even with only her human-brainiac powers instead of the alien-Brainiac powers. I wonder if they're going to actually use the JLA in an upcoming episode or if they paid all of those guest stars just for five-second cameos.
One can only dream of perhaps gazing on AC's new haircut once more before this season ends. I have heard rumors of Legionnaire's return, but alas, no news on the JLA. (I miss Bart, myself.)
Another ep where Clark fails to be there for Chloe when he should be. What a complete jerk. Even if he was out saving people, as fast as Clark is, he could have found the time to spend a few minutes with her. That, coupled with seeming to take Jimmy's side instead of comforting Chloe make him the worst friend ever.
The producer admitted Nois had stolen Chloe's life and she has every right to be angry about it. She earned her spot at the DP while Nois cheated her way in. It's every smart, hardworking girl's nightmare and Chloe's obnoxious cousin is in the wrong for doing it. It was clear she misses reporting and being partnered with Clark; she just didn't want to be her appalling cousin to do it. Thank God she is gone from ISIS, which was all kinds of lame and gone from Jimmy since that relationship was always a waste of screen time.
Chloe being Watchtower is ok for the short term but Chloe deserves to be back at the DP because that has always been her dream and she shouldn't have to drop it when she worked so hard to get a spot there.
Too bad it wasn't a body swap with Lois as Chloe. It would have been funny. Also, maybe chloe would have been serious tempted to keep Lois's life. Lets see, LL has chloe's dream job, Clark loves Lois, Lois has a hotter body. Chloe could escape her life as a dumpted wife & caretaker ffor a murderous alien. Gee why wuldn't she be tempted?