Comics: Ex Machina Issue 40

By Teresa Jusino

F%!@ you, Brian K. Vaughan. You think you’re so clever, don’t you? First, you used my ovaries against me to suck me body and soul into your comic about an emo kid and his pet monkey. Then you use cute animals to trick me into buying your “graphic novel” about Operation Iraqi Freedom. Then you sink to the lowest of the low. Using children – children – to make me read a superhero comic in disguise! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, sir. Ooh, lookitme! I’m Brian K. Vaughan. I’m gonna use my extreme writerly sensitivity to make women’s panties drop and force them to spend money on me and my comics!**

But I had you beat this time! I did. Because see, as much as you’ve suckered me into liking your other books, I wasn’t nearly as crazy about Ex Machina. I mean, it’s good and all…but I’m still kind of waiting for whatever is supposed to happen to, you know, happen. Then you and Tony Harris create something like Issue #40, which came out this week.

And I’ve never been so pissed off in my motherf$#@!ing life.

First, you pull this Charlie Kaufman-esque meta thing where you and Harris insert yourselves into the comic, knowing I love that s#!@! Then, you make the entire issue about how in love you are with New York City, tugging at my native New Yorker heartstrings. And you’re not even from New York! Motherf$!@ing motherf#!@er from Cleveland writing this s$!@! Then, oh, THEN you make it a triple whammy, grasping at my f@!#ing reproductive system by making the whole thing a motherf$!@ing love letter not only to New York, but to your wife?! That is some f#!@ed up s#%@, man. And what do you call it? “Ruthless.” And of course you know that every self-respecting reader of your blog and member of the sadly-defunct Cabal knows that that’s what you sometimes call the missus.

Motherf@!# you, sir. Why don’t you just include a fluffy bunny with every issue purchased while you’re at it, huh?

And don’t worry, I’ve got some whoop-a@@ here for you, too, Harris. Normally, while I like your art, I have trouble with it in Ex Machina. It’s a very distinct style, but very blocky, and more appropriate for something like War Heroes. Much of the time, even the women come off looking really masculine. Every issue of Ex Machina looks like it’s oozing testosterone. But you had to back up buddy-boy over there in his plot to capture the hearts and undergarments of female comic readers everywhere, didn’t you?! You bag of douche. The style in this issue is so much softer than usual. And the cover, for f#@%ssake. A pencil sketch? A PENCIL SKETCH?! God damn you straight to hell.

But back to you, Brian K. Douchebag. I’m putting most of the blame for this on you, because despite what Harris drew, you probably had the idea for this issue sitting in the back of your manipulative, sadistic little mind for quite some time, didn’t you? Well, I hope you’re happy. Issue #40 of Ex Machina shall be known forever more as The Moist Panties Issue. Put THAT in your bong and smoke it.

I hate you Mr. Vaughan, and I will hate you forever.

As soon as I’m finished loving the living s#!@ out of you.

** the preceding italicized line is best spoken in the voice of Homer J. Simpson.

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TERESA JUSINO was born on the same day that Skylab fell. Coincidence? She doesn’t think so. As a writer, her work has appeared in Elmont Life newspaper, and on the sadly defunct website, CentralBooking.com. She is currently at work on a collection of short stories. As a geek, Teresa loves Star Trek, Lost, comics, and anything Joss Whedon ever touched. She has a fangirl *squee-ing* crush on Brian K. Vaughan, which beat up her Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man crush in a fight proving once again that writing skill trumps gadget skill even when that gadget skill is attached to bulging biceps. Teresa is also an aspiring fangbanger. Visit her in The Red Room