By TrinityVixen
A wise friend of mine recommended I take the easy way out and turn in a three-word review for each week’s increasingly pointless episode of Heroes: “Make it stop.” It was a nice mantra to have in order to survive not one but two unnecessary make-out sessions between Sylar and Elle.
Volume Three, Chapter 11 – “The Eclipse, Part 2”
I give up. Oh, I mean, I will still be here until someone realizes this show needs canceling, but I give up on the show for real and for true and for ever. Why does anyone in cast or crew labor on this show? It’s like the writers decided everyone was too exciting and have compensated by sucking the life out of every last character. (Even characters like Matt Parkman, who were never very lively to begin with, have not escaped this purge.) Worse, they seem to have decided that being ironic and twinkling about their insubstantiative crap will earn them forgiveness. It’s bad enough that the show blows goats. Did they really need hipsters making “meta” commentary on the story so far and nerding out about meeting–O-to-the-M-G!–the Hiro Nakamura? Nothing says “compelling drama” like two skinnier versions of the Comic Book Guy droning nasally about the rules of comic book heroism. Seth Green, what have you wrought?
Make it stop: killing characters and not letting them stay dead. There are two offenders in this episode alone—Sylar and Claire. No one worries about either because they never stay dead. (Eclipse, schmipse.) Claire’s compromised, untested immune system failing to save her from a systemic infection could have been an interesting consequence of her life without her powers. Oh, but she gets them back and is totally fine. (Pissed at Daddy for missing her umpteenth death in the show’s history so far, but otherwise fine.) Never mind. Mr. Bennet opens Sylar’s throat with a box cutter and seems to enjoy doing so. Never comes up again. (And hey, didn’t they used to work together?)
Make it stop: Matt, Daphne, Hiro, Ando, and the Comic Book Dudes bumming around in Kansas doing f$%& all. Hiro leaves to bring Claire back in time to when his father bequeathed her to Mr. Bennet, and that’s the only progression in an hour of television among the four of them. (That, and Matt and Daphne are “on” again.)
Make it stop: Mohinder. Just stop Mohinder period. I thought that the worst Mohinder could ever do was destroy science as we know it. (He did manage to mess up Flint’s face with a microscope, which is as close as he’s ever come to using a piece of laboratory equipment properly.) Then he got his scales back and I was treated the Worst. Latex. Prosthesis. EVER. You could see that his visible sign of mutation was a layer of latex with hard pieces sticking out of it. They didn’t even bother to color match or glue the latex to Sendhil Rammamurthy’s skin. That’s just lazy. (It must be contagious on that set; everyone is catching it from the writers.)
Make it stop: shifting alliances/feuds among Petrellis. Nathan and Peter kiss and make up after helping the Haitian kill off his brother. But Nathan still abandons his brother in Haiti so he can jump ship and join Daddy’s crusade at Pinehearst to give superpowers to everyone. What part of meeting a warlord who uses his powers to convince poor, uneducated people that he is a god makes Nathan go, “You know what we need? More people with super powers”? There is no reason; there is only Zuul. Also, Sylar may not even really be a Petrelli. (No! You don’t say?) Does that mean he’s going to switch sides, too?
Make it stop: Sylar’s short-term personality. His inability to understand whether he wants to be a monster or a man or a toaster oven has warped everything around him. Elle boinks him despite the fact he killed her dad. Mr. Bennet left off last episode taking aim at Sylar—dressed and upright–through a sniper scope; this week, Sylar and Elle are post-orgasmic, naked, and on the floor before he takes his shot. (Who knew Mr. B was such a perv?) Gabriel is willing to die to protect Elle! Now he’s killing her! Because she may or may not know whether or not he is a Petrelli! Or because he’s decided things were less complicated when all he did was cut into brains! (Which is how he disposes of Elle despite a, already having her power; b, being able to take powers without the brain-cutting; and c, having been once rebuffed by Elle’s explosive power.) I wish he could go back to being a slobbering monster, but how will they explain the past ten weeks of Boy Scout behavior and inner torment?
Better question: who cares? Make. It. Stop.
Next week: Super soldiers. I must remember to stock the house with booze.
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About TrinityVixen: There’s an asterisk on TrinityVixen’scollege transcript that assures anyone who reads it that, though there is no specific major, degree, or certificate for it, she did, in fact, complete some kind of creative writing program as an undergrad. Armed with that symbol of irrelevant experience, she has polluted the internet with her opinions and horrible fanworks ever since (and for quite a long while before). Living poor in New York until she finds a means to become independently wealthy, she must subsist on the juicy meat of fandom. Fandom and noodles. And instant soup.
Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
Well, Fuller returning is his decision/desire, not by any special request of Kring (not that I can see from Fuller's own words). My hope is that Fuller can bring some of the magic back. Because I'm sick to death of seeing one of my favorite shows from Season One continue to flail around like this.
It's a little thing amongst all the pain, but don't forget the ridiculousness of having Ando translate the Japanese that was already subtitled. As if the conversation between Hiro and Seth Green was so profound that we needed to repeat it?
It takes a lot to get me to give up on a show, but these episodes pretty much did me in. Good luck getting me to watch again in the new year.