“Hello, Doctor Silbermann. How’s the knee?” - Sarah Connor

By Brian Thompson

I. The Setup

I’ve taken a couple of weeks off from writing this column, which was weird for me.  I’m not normally one to go on vacation.  I get a little antsy when I’m not doing something productive like sitting on the living room sofa, watching old episodes of Doctor Who, playing Xbox with homophobic middle schoolers, sleeping, and not working.  So I figured the Thanksgiving holiday was as good a time as any to once more scrape my nose to the grindstone and make sure my extended family members don’t figure out my home address.

I’m not a fan of Thanksgiving.  Call it liberal guilt, but I can’t help but feel the holiday is just a thinly-veiled celebration of white European supremacy.  Of course, that might have something to do with the fact that I murdered a member of the Cherokee Nation while affecting a British accent on the last Thursday of November, 1978.  Also, I hate me some yams.

But I’m sure most of my fellow Americans will be stuffing their beaks full of turkey flesh to commemorate the fact that the Pilgrims ate the youngest native children they could find wandering the Massachusetts woods.  Children taste like turkey, you know.  And with all that turkey meat and carcass juice gravy swirling around in your disgusting stomach, you’ll most likely succumb to the effects of the trace amounts of tryptophan in the bird flesh and take a nice, long nap.  Or, more likely, you’ll pretend you have a headache and leave your tiresome relatives to bicker over college football while you sneak off for a nice, long nap.

But the traditional post-feast slumber isn’t without its dangers.  Beware the scientific reality of sleep paralysis!

II. The Findings

Sleep paralysis is experienced by about 30% of the population at some point in their lives.  It’s the state between deep REM sleep and being fully awake.  When you’re sleeping, your body necessarily becomes somewhat paralyzed.  You don’t want your bed partner to feel the thrusts as you dream about Eric Bana, for example.  For that matter, Eric Bana doesn’t want his bed partner to feel his thrusts as he dreams about you.  (Unlikely.)  Of course, you often move in your sleep, but you usually aren’t directly reenacting all the dirty, dirty actions of your dreams.

But sometimes your brain can wake up before your body does.  You feel fully aware of your surroundings—you might even feel the wet spot where you rolled over during your Eric Bana dream—but you can’t move at all.  This would be terrifying enough without the fact that you’re also susceptible to the same kinds of hallucinations and misconceptions you experience while dreaming.  People who suffer with chronic sleep paralysis, such as narcoleptics, report an odd variety of sensations before their bodies fully wake up.  It’s not at all uncommon to be lying in bed unable to move and feel a strange presence in the room with you.  During sleep paralysis, people have seen little humanoids standing in the corner, visions of dead relatives, and even mystical creatures wandering around their bedrooms.  No one’s really sure what determines the form of a sleep paralysis hallucination, but they often take the form of otherwise scary things.  It’s reasonable to speculate that this might be a reaction of the brain to the initially frightening thought of being awake but unable to move.

Sleep paralysis has been known to occur throughout human history, but its only been understood in relatively recent years.  Consequently, it’s thought that many historical myths actually have their roots in sleep paralysis.  In addition to hallucinating strange creatures, those experiencing sleep paralysis often feel a pressure on their chests.  They sometimes believe that someone or something is sitting on them.  This is very similar to the ancient myth of the succubus or incubus—demons that hop on top of your sleeping body and sexually assault you against your will.  (This might also have been a way to explain those wet spots after people dreamed of the ancient equivalent of Eric Bana.)

Any number of paranormal sightings could possibly be explained by sleep paralysis.  For instance, it’s just as easy to believe you see the ghost of your dead grandmother standing at the foot of your bed while you’re paralyzed as it is to dream you’re at her house for Christmas as a child.  The modern phenomenon of alien abduction also shares similarities with the common sleep paralysis experience.  Did aliens hop on top of you and probe your nether regions with their exotic devices?  Or did you just not quite wake up all the way?  After dreaming about Eric Bana?

III. The Conclusion

So if you wake up in the back room this Thanksgiving and you think you see a hellbeast pacing beside your bed, stop for a moment and consider that maybe the fact that you can’t move is a clue you’re just suffering from sleep paralysis.  Either that, or your evil redneck brother-in-law thought it would be funny to tie you up and let his pit bull, Mr. Bison, into the room.  In either case, there’s a simple way to calm yourself down.  Just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine yourself in Munich.  Or Troy.  Or, you know, wherever.  Look, the point is there’s nothing to be afraid of.  Unless your evil redneck brother-in-law smeared cranberry sauce on your crotch.  In which case, watch out.

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About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university and a regular blogger at CHUD. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.

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