Heroes: The Eclipse, Part 1

By TrinityVixen
“I hate heroes.”

Sylar says what we’re all thinking. And, like us, he’s still, somehow, unable to escape them. Perhaps it is because this week he has no powers, and, as Mr. Bennet handily demonstrates, without his powers, he’s just six feet of punching bag.

Volume Three, Episode Ten – “The Eclipse, Part 1”

The eclipse has come. (Again.) Normally, a total solar eclipse is viewable from only a very narrow slice of the planet and for less than ten minutes at the longest. But reality hasn’t stood in the way of this show before, so it cannot impose upon the narrative now. The eclipse-that-will-not-end giveth powers and it taketh them away. And here I thought it was something in the supers’ DNA that made them special. (Which was how Chandra Suresh, actual doctor, compiled his list in the first place. Remember The List?) Or was it the Enzyme produced by the adrenal glands? (Which is the working thesis of Mohinder Suresh, total quack.) Wait, no, last week it was the Formula plus the Catalyst! (Plus the Enzyme?) I need a quick lie down. I have an ache in my science.

In addition to losing their powers, most of the supers have lost their common sense and their short-term memory. Peter and Nathan, sent out by Mama Petrelli to fetch the Haitian, crash into a swampy pond mid-flight. While being drenched in smelly, unsanitary pond water is excuse enough for irritability, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to the fight that Nathan and Peter start between themselves. Nathan thinks Peter’s a feckless, idealist good-for-nothing; Peter calls Nathan a tool. They’re both right, but there is no reason for this to come up right now. It’s even more foolish in light of the fact that they’re in the middle of the jungle searching for the Haitian. And the Haitian is busy trying to deal with his brother, the despotic villain super, who is not incapacitated entirely by the eclipse due to the fact that he has an army. (Despots plan ahead, you know.) Nathan’s shouting about Peter’s ineptitude gets him busted by Brother Haitian.

Rounding out the Brothers Petrelli FAIL, Sylar jumps when Arthur says how high: he needs to go retrieve Claire. Elle, who has been training him, assigns herself to be Gabriel’s partner. She throws him a ton of sidelong glances. For one marvelous second, I thought maybe she was still planning revenge. Turns out she’s forgotten how much safer cuddly, defanged Sylar is to be around and is itching to provoke him into being bad again. Last week, she cried because she made him a monster; this week, he’s harshing her vibe for being so genteel. Elle, who was all pitiful and needy of late, reverts to her season two sociopathy, entreats Gabriel to let a little bit of Sylar come out to play. This will only end in tears. Or not, seeing it will most likely be undone by next week.

Newly re-bad-assed Sylar and Elle track down Mr. Bennet and his Claire-bear, only to be undone by the eclipse. It’s superlatively awesome to watch Mr. Bennet kick the crap out of Sylar, who, when you get down to it, is really kind of a lightweight, physically. Elle’s not much better, but she has the sense to go for Mr. B’s gun and squeeze off a shot. (How else would you take down a paragon of kick-ass like Mr. B?) She manages to tag Claire, who, without her healing ability is in for a really bad day. Mr. B spirits his daughter away, Sylar and Elle lick their wounds.

And each other. Watching Sylar and Elle suck face is sort of like reliving the age of cootie shots. It is that unsexy. It’s also the opposite of smart to hang around the safe house for the make-out session because Really Pissed Off Mr. Bennet knows where that is and he returns with a rifle. Mr. Morally Gray has no qualms about blowing a barn door through Sylar’s head while he’s got the chance. Meanwhile, Claire starts to get really sick from her gaping bullet wound while he’s gone. (How can she survive without him? She can’t!) But at least he took care of the Big Bad! Everyone is an idiot.

Matt Parkman, you are an idiot. Daphne, Hiro, Ando, special (and pointless) guest stars Seth Green and Breckin Meyer, you are all idiots. Matt and Daphne have another “I love you!” “No, no one could love me!” “I love you like burning!” “WE ARE IN LOVE FOREVERS!” fight. They haven’t had any real opportunity to talk about romance other than Matt’s future-mandated marriage. But they’re already having the break-up for the fourth time. Daphne, without her powers, is crippled. Matt, without his, is just creepy. (The scene of him trying to force his way, mentally, past Daphne’s dad, is as hilariously fourth-wall-penetrative as Sylar’s comment about heroes: Daphne’s old man is the one who finally breaks the news to Matt that jerking his head around to hear thoughts makes him seem like a spaz.)

Hiro and Ando are still bumbling. Tracy is scheming, and Mama P might be on to her. Mohinder went into his chrysalis stage and emerged a beautiful, powerless butterfly. (The nudity helped me past the “oh my god, he’s covered in his own mucosal secretions” bit.) The end.

Next week: All the shows I like are on hiatus or being canceled, but I get to sit and pretend to care that Claire might be dying for real. This is me believing that.

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About TrinityVixen: There’s an asterisk on TrinityVixen’scollege transcript that assures anyone who reads it that, though there is no specific major, degree, or certificate for it, she did, in fact, complete some kind of creative writing program as an undergrad. Armed with that symbol of irrelevant experience, she has polluted the internet with her opinions and horrible fanworks ever since (and for quite a long while before). Living poor in New York until she finds a means to become independently wealthy, she must subsist on the juicy meat of fandom. Fandom and noodles. And instant soup.

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