Meet the Evil League of Evil (Applicants): The Grimmarian

By Juliana Weiss

They had me at Oxford comma. This entry for the Evil League of Evil will capture any grammar geek’s heart.

What is the Evil League of Evil? A recent inductee that you may be familiar with is Dr. Horrible of “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”, an online superhero musical created by Joss Whedon and his brothers. Villains from around the globe submitted three-minute video applications to the ELE. Ten lucky winners will be accepted into the League and featured on the Dr. Horrible DVD.

Now for our interview with the verb villain, the noun Nazi, the conjunction criminal… the GRIMMARIAN!!!

Questions for the Creators Kendal Newman, Casey Minella, and Perry Minella

How did you come up with these characters?

KN: Basically, the whole thing started with me.  I showed Dr. Horrible to Casey and Perry and we all decided to work together on a submission.  The idea for the Grimmarian happened when I was just frantically trying to figure out what to do for this ELE application business.  Perry asked me what’s a major evil in the world.

PM: She’s such a Ravenclaw, of course she answered ‘bad grammar’.  So then we started brainstorming names, and I mentioned that a person who deals with grammar is called a grammarian–

KN: So obviously an EVIL person who deals with grammar would be called a GRIMmarian.

PM: It’s just simple logic.

KN: As for Miss Spelling…

CM: We were planning the video in Physics (I mean, what else is there to do in Physics?) and we decided that the Grimmarian needed a sidekick–like Moist.  So I thought, you know, spelling goes hand in hand with grammar, so there’s that.

KN: The name was my idea.  It just seemed obvious.

PM: The Oxford Comma was her idea, too… she has a bit of an obsession.

KN: It’s kind of a problem.

CM: And so she just assumed the opposite of bad grammar was the use of a serial comma.

KN: I only figured out the other stuff about grammatical ambiguity later.  It all worked out perfectly in the end.

CM: She’s an evil genius.

Will we see more installments?

CM: Yes, most definitely.  We’re currently working on a steady YouTube thing.  The first episode would probably be the Grimmarian’s origins–

KN: –oranges, according to Miss Spelling–

CM: –and then we’ll continue on with the rest of the characters.

KN: We have tons of ideas; we’re going to explore the Merriam-Webster superhero and a whole bunch of other characters.

Are you grammar geeks? Interested in writing? If so, what types of writing?

KN: I am SUCH a grammar geek.  It’s kind of a problem.  Not that my grammar is always perfect–I just like to correct others’.

PM: Always.

CM: All the time.

KN: Alright, enough.  Anyway, I write a lot.

PM: Me, too!

KN: We’re actually going to do the whole NaNoWriMo [National Novel Writing Month] thing this year. So excited.

CM: I’m a writing tutor so I get a lot of grammar experience.  “The Grimarion (oops! Grimmarian… bad habit) strikes again!” I always say.  I dabble in a little creative writing as well.

How did you discover Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog?

CM: I discovered it from Perry.

KN: Who discovered it from me.

CM: Chain of reaction, really.

PM: Indeed.

Other than The Grimmarian, what is your favorite entry?

KN: We would like to take this opportunity to post a message to Tur-Mohel.

CM: Basically…

PM: We love you.

KN: We ridiculous amounts of love you.

CM: We want you to circumcise our babies–

PM: –that we have with you.

KN: And Moisha.

Questions for the ELE Applicant Grimmarian

What are your powers? What makes you qualified for the Evil League of Evil?

TG: On the surface, you may think my powers are pretty simple, but do not be fooled by exteriors; my evil runs deeper than the simple deconstruction of language barriers.  For example: have you ever, upon sending a PowerPoint presentation from an Apple computer to a PC, found all of your pictures gone?  You probably told yourself that that was a technical problem, something with file transfer, right?  Well, think again, bucko–it was I that ruined your Spanish Civil War project.  I set document fonts to 11.5 and reduce double spacing by just enough that your term paper on the history of the rubber band seems THAT much shorter.  Wiped hard drives, lost documents, power surges just before auto-save can kick in – that’s all me.  I realize a new power practically every day, and that’s why I’m so perfect for the League.  Who knows what kind of potential I have?  Maybe next I could move on to actual facts and statistics!

What are your plans for the future of the world?

TG: Well, in the long run the idea is to take over the world, of course.  The plan is that the more desensitized young people are to bad grammar, the bigger the language barrier between young and old will become; soon, if all goes according to plan (and, of course, if I pass the driving test), my sphere of bad grammar will have grown and grown to the point where only I can effectively bridge the language gap between young and old.  They will grow to depend on me, and that is when I, with the ELE at my side, will make my move.

MS: And do what?

TG: … Be quiet, Miss Spelling.

Can you tell us a little bit more about your relationship with Miss Spelling?

TG: Oh, that.  Well, it’s a little embarrassing, really… you see, Miss Spelling and I have been going to school together for years, but I never really talked to her until I got into the whole villainy thing.  Before I assumed my destiny as the Grimmarian, I dealt with my anger in other ways (back then I had people call me Ravenfyre Blacksoul), but once I recognized my true evil potential I knew I had to get my face out there so people knew when and where to be properly frightened and/or in awe of my… evil.  Obviously, the best way to do that is in blog format, but… grammar is more my specialty.  I’m not so good at A/V stuff.  Which is where Miss Spelling comes in – back before she had her own little ‘secret identity’ she was a little on the weird side.  I mean, I might have been goth, but I’ve always been super; she’s barely a henchmistress as it is.  She got so excited that I was paying any sort of attention to her at all that she kind of… latched on, I guess.  I still haven’t been able to get rid of her, but hey, she’s useful and she does what I tell her to.  Most of the time.

If you could take down any superhero (other than the Oxford Comma), who would it be?

TG: Well, despite the fact that I claim the Oxford Comma as an arch nemesis, truly I have much loftier goals – I would like to take down the clauses: dependent, independent, adverbial, relative, and their ring leader, Santa.  I feel that if I can accomplish that, then my villainous place in history will be set.  In fact, it was Santa Clause and his gang of grammar buddies that got me into villainy in the first place; when I was young, all he ever brought me for Christmas was grammar book after grammar book.  He’s prejudiced! Just because my parents are both English professors does not mean I will follow in their footsteps!  I will take DOWN this so-called hero and rule the world with an iron–

MS: –YOU might want to calm down.

TG: I’m calm!

MS: You’re using excessive amounts of exclamation points.

TG: … Next question!

Questions for Henchman Applicant Miss Spelling

What are your powers? What makes you qualified for the Henchman’s Guild?

MS: As you can tell by the name, I spread my horror through spelling mistakes.  I strike when you least expect it.  When you are in a hurry. When you are writing an e-mail.  YES, even when you write in your blogs. I get the best of even the top writers… unless they have good editors.  I am a dedicated Henchwoman.  The Grimmarian, thought may not know it, needs me.  I record footage for her applications, I get her breakfast in the morning, sometimes I even do her homework.  If that is not Henchman’s Guild material, I do not know what is.

Please call me back HG….

As a female, how do you feel about the term “Henchman”?

MS: Well, generally I like to be politically correct and say Henchmistress, but with a swift zap and flick of the pen thanks to Miss Spelling’s power, Henchman becomes Henchwoman.  So I’m pretty content.

If you could take down any superhero (other than the Oxford Comma), who would it be?

MS: Me? I have high aspirations [write that down, Henchman's Union].  I’d like to take down Merriam-Webster.  That grandiloquent BUTTHEAD has it coming…

Questions for Nemesis Oxford Comma

What are your powers?

OC: My powers are more than just powers- they are a way of LIFE. My main power is the correction of bad grammar, but, like many other super heroes, I have a myriad side nuggets. I can retrieve lost documents from the depths of cyber space, I know the way each teacher wants their assignments formatted, you know margins and such. I even know how to make spell check a useful tool. When these fantastic powers are coupled with my winning smile and booming voice, villains scamper away from me like ants from the food of a sadistic nine-year old.

Why did you choose Grimmarian as your target villain?

OC: Well, isn’t it obvious? She’s everything I’m not. She flagrantly abuses the rules of grammar and teaches the masses to abuse them as well. These rules are the glue that holds our society together. Without them, there is chaos: verbs lose their subjects; independent clauses prey on dependent clauses; conjunctions run wild, living like yetis on the cratered terrain of the ruined cities. And that is why I chose the Grimmarian or rather, the Grimmarian chose me.

Which is correct, and why?
a.) I will destroy your life, your world, and your family.
b.) I will destroy your life, your world and your family.

OC: Well, of COURSE number A is the correct one because of its use of the serial comma, but the true genius of my name lies in the fact that those still unenlightened about the Oxford Comma, like the Grimmarian, are thrown off by the supposed “grammatical ambiguity” of  the rule.  In our very essence, my JUSTICE and I are immune to the Grimmarian’s evil power because she has not yet realized the clear CORRECTNESS of the Oxford Comma.

Want more? Read an interview with another promising ELE applicant, Fury of Solace.

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Juliana Weiss is an aspiring Television writer in Los Angeles. She currently works as the head of the web content department for the star of an Emmy-nominated reality series. You can read her spec scripts at WeissRoessler.com.

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