Heroes: Hit List

By Lisa Fary

Oh, for god’s sake, just die already.

I’m talking to you, Matt Parkman, who somehow got a wild African spirit turtle on board a plane in an age when I can’t get a 3.5 ounce bottle of shine serum through in my carry on and a SWAT team emerges when the x-ray spies my nail clippers.  I’ll have ragged nails for air safety – that’s OK.  But, I need my shine serum the way Parkman needs his spirit turtle and life partner, Mohinderfly.

It’s not that I don’t like you, Matt.  I do.  You’re endearing in a dorky kind of way.  You look like a good guy to cuddle with while watching an old favorite like Mystery Men or Night Breed.

Heroes would just be a hell of a lot more interesting if Knox really had punched through your chest instead of being given the illusion of doing so.

And I’m talking to you, Peter Petrelli, Heroes roach and mouth breather, who survived a seven story fall because your formerly awesome brother lost his killin’ appetite and felt a familial bond.  You’ve already been an invincible man.  You’ve already saved the world once.  You’ve discovered your powers twice and I’m guessing you’re set to re-acquire and rediscover stuff again.

If you can’t just die, Peter, can you at least get injected with Mohinderfly’s syringe and turn into a beast?  You’d be more interesting with inhuman appendages. Perhaps a tail.  Or some eye stalks!

And I’m talking to you most of all, Mohinderfly.  You’re the worst scientist ever and a tool to boot.  You’re acting unethically by going straight into human trials without running through other test subjects first.  That’s OK, but own it, Mohinderfly.  If you’re gonna be a mad scientist, be a mad scientist.  Don’t be “the unhappy scientist who’s sorta concerned but is still a victim.”  That’s lame.

What isn’t lame is running through the streets, injecting people willy nilly with your formula.  That’s what a mad scientist would do.

Seriously, are there no other scientists in the Heroes-verse?  Primatech and Pinehearst haven’t been able to set up some scholarships for promising, yet morally flexible, scientific minds?  Really?

Mohinderfly, you outlived your usefulness at the end of season one.  It’s time to take a stand: be good, be mad, or die off.  I get that you represent Science! and the idea that Science! knows not the bounds of good and evil.

Unless you don’t, Mohinderfly.  Unless you represent the Eden-esque idea that knowledge destroys life, in which case, screw you and die.

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Lisa Fary’s early exposure to classic Battlestar Galactica in 1979 is largely responsible for her lifelong interest in science fiction and her childhood ambition of being an intergalactic space cowgirl. She thinks diagramming sentences is a fun alternative to Sudoku.

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