Smallville: Odyssey
Star TrekStargate:AtlantisFireflyBy Trinity Vixen
Season Eight, Episode 1
Welcome to season eight, one and all! I never expected to still be here. I was certain that the last season and a half were the final ratings death of this show. Not so! If the powers that be have their way, I’ll be here for another season yet. So much time to spend reviewing Smallville, only so many ways to drown my sorrows. Tonight: death by cheetos and diet cola. But first things first: recap!
We flash back to Lana ditching Clark to teach him a lesson about how he needs to save the world. He retaliated by heading up to the Fortress to seemingly die in Lex’s arms as the crystals came down around them. Mrs. Kent went to Washington a year ago, so might the flash of her mean we’ll see the fabulous Annette O’Toole this season? No clue, but John Glover is MIA and will stay that way. Alas. Chloe got hauled off by the Department of Domestic Security because Lex felt like being a jerk that day. (It’s really Jimmy’s fault, but let’s face it: most things are.) We say hi to some special guest stars making repeat appearances, and we’re off to the races.
Four weeks have gone since Lex pretended he was the hero and slew the Traveler. A woman debarks from a helicopter and crosses the threshold of a tent pitched over the site where the Fortress caved in. Last season’s Luthor lackey (say that five times fast, why not) wastes no time requesting an exposition dump from the visitor. Tess Mercer introduces herself as the acting CEO of LuthorCorp, per Lex’s orders. Unlike kings, CEOs do not choose successors. This is far from the worst breach of logic so far this episode, considering that they’re in the arctic in a bunch of Old Navy jackets and no hats, so we’ll ignore this.
Ms. Mercer (she’s such a Ms., too) and all twenty pounds of her eye makeup dismiss the lackey and demand an update. She’s confident that Lex has “not met his fate on a dwindling ice cap” (ouch). A technician calls out a discovery of what could be human remains in the ice.
As the various Lex cronies go to see what’s in the hole, we drop back to a pair of familiar sunglasses. Oliver Queen, the Green Arrow, assesses the situation, selects the proper arrow, kicks some ass, and takes no names. Lending a hand, Dinah Lance, the Black Canary. I’m sorry, but there’s no way arrows shot at close range aren’t fatal. Arrows, especially those fired from crossbows, don’t just stop short of vital organs, not without bone in between. The show has no time for my pathetic objections to members of the Justice League of America using lethal force. Aquaman pops up through the ice to save Oliver’s shapely backside. They gay compliment each other, Canary calls them on it, they return to the task at hand.
The “human remains” turn out to be Clark’s red jacket. (Proving that Lex’s technicians come from the same defunct, mildewed warehouse as his security teams.) Hilariously, the JLA all know that the jacket must belong to Clark because absolutely no one else wears that junk except for him. Members Only jacket in fire engine red? Oh yeah, this belongs to a Kansas farmboy.
“Clark, where are you?”
Cue new opening credits. Welcome, new folk! Cassidy Freeman sounds like she belongs on Gossip Girl, but she’s our Tess Mercer. Her copious eye makeup does not get its own credit. Maybe next season. Sam Witwer (Doomsday) we won’t meet this episode. Rest assured that the stalkerish loser vibe he exudes is not in your imagination and just hold out for the last new addition: Justin Hartley, in all his shirtless glory. In close up, he appears either amused or near unto tears at being added to the show’s roster. For his sake, I hope it’s the former.
Raise your hand if you miss Lana or Lex! Just Lex? Okay, now just Lana? All right all the people with hands still up: go to hell. Ahem.
Before the show ends its run, whether it’s this year or next, they’re going to have finally exhausted all of Lois Lane’s Halloween costume ideas. Today, she’s the sexy French maid breaking into the Luthor mansion to retrieve some spy data. She tucks a USB key between the money makers before Ms. Mercer comes in to totally harsh on her espionage attempts. They engage in soft-core pornographic dialogue (“You like to play dress up?” “If you’re not a secretary, who are you?”). Possibly this will be the substitution for all the male homosexual tension of seven seasons past.
In keeping with tradition, they get close and worked up enough to kiss but abort at the last second. Lois wants to know why, if the DDS is supposed to have arrested Chloe, they have no record of her. Lois smells Lex all over this set up. Ms. Mercer invites the perpetually tardy security officers to escort Lois out after dispensing some lingerie advice (cue porno music). Lois cooperates with the toss-out; she’s still got the data. After Lois is gone, Ms. Mercer’s face falters, losing some of its wicked amusement. This happened when no one was looking in the Arctic, too–like she can’t believe she’s getting away with what she’s doing. Interesting.
Black Creek, Montana, some shacks. Chloe sits solving logic puzzles for the DDS guy in the booth. She’s not having any of it, not when she only freaks herself out by how easy it is. DDS Agent Nerdlinger tells her she outthinks supercomputers, which means she’s special. Fans say, “That’s what we figured after seven seasons of her breezing through industrial-strength firewalls.” Turns out this might be a meteor power, so Chloe has two: Epic Revive and Mad Hack. This explains why she’s gotten so much better since the second meteor shower but not how come she knew more about computers as a freshman in high school than Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Big Blue combined.
Chloe balks at her treatment and incarceration in a “low-rent Gitmo wannabe.” Yeah, because comfy chairs and computer screens and few math tests is the same thing as stress positions, starvation, and Koran deprivation. (I love Chloe, but she’s way off here.) Nerdlinger counters with an awful choice: help them for a year or go to prison for twenty. For real, our DDS analogue can probably, legally, do that; Chloe buys it. Back to the comfy chair.
The JLA continues to search for Clark using surveillance cameras hacked into from computers at the Isis Foundation. Black Canary is back in her Dinah Lance wig and complaining about how they’ve got nothing. Aquaman has searched coastlines (I’M HELPING!), no Clark. Victor (Cyborg) and Bart (Impulse/The Flash) have turned over the entire southern hemisphere and they got bupkis. It must be less of a waste of everyone’s time just to give Bart some mega-super-sugar power bars and have him run in spiraling circles around the northern hemisphere–where, you know, the arctic is–than to put him thousands of miles away and let Ollie, AC, and Dinah grope around in the dark. (And underwater. AQUAMAN IS TO USEFUL, HATERS!)
Black Canary thinks Clark is dead or good as. Oliver says Clark isn’t like them. (He lacks motivation, for one.) Ollie won’t give up because Clark wouldn’t have done. Clark really shouldn’t be anyone’s role model, with his history of destructive relationships and almost terminal gullibility. “Whatever,” says AC’s new hairdo, “I look fabulous, and we’re done with this scene.”
Long story short: Clark’s in Russia. His powers are missing (again). Some gangster has him hauling boxes to pay off some debt. Clark tries to escape repeatedly, always failing. The boss is a royal taint on the payback for this. Scene.
Lackey and Miss Mercer fight over who wants to blow Lex more. Scene!
Chloe’s newest test is to unscramble a secure algorithm and find a few phone numbers that some terrorists are using. As soon as she gives up two of the numbers, we cut to Aquaman and Black Canary being picked off with knock-out darts. Aquaman’s shame is hidden from us by the strategic placement of towel while he showers. (Thank you, Jeebus.) Black Canary should be dead when she falls two stories onto pavement as the dart knocks her out.
Three digits from completing the last phone number, Chloe freezes up. She knows the last number belongs to Oliver Queen. The “DDS” is really Last Season Lex Lackey’s set-up. Not about to go idiot stool pigeon on the entire JLA, Chloe attempts escape. Once more, I call foul play as she smacks Agent Nerdlinger with a laptop to the face and he escapes death. Lex lackey sends Chloe back. Back to the comfy chair! The horror!
Clark’s repeated escape attempts and sassy backtalk are really pissing off his mob boss. Just before boss can blow his head off, Oliver walks up talking about buying black market caviar. (AC is going to mess him up if hears about this.) One staged fight later, and Oliver has a reason to buy Clark off the boss; the boss assumes Oliver will kill him, we all know that a much littler death is in store.
“What took you so long?” Clark is apparently really pent up after losing Lana and Lex. Scene, thank god.
Jor-El’s grand plan to control Clark was to…take away his powers. While this is good news for the good guys, it’s a pathetic cop-out and rehash of a previous season ender. We’ve been here, done this, we know how it ends: Clark will have to die and be rescued at another’s expense. Try to be surprised when that happens. More pressing concern: Lex still knows Clark’s secret. If Clark survived as a mere human, Lex probably did. Nuts.
“Oliver, I really screwed up.” Wow, Clark. Only eleven more steps! It’s like he’s growing up before our eyes! ::sniffle::
Oliver brings them around to Black Creek. We’re told to believe that no one has ever escaped from a bunch of rot-eaten shacks, whereas all the industrial, underground, computer security-controlled LutherCorp facilities have had a revolving door policy. (Black Creek must be surrounded by a minefield. Or hungry bears 24/7, that’s my theory.) Oliver is worried for Black Canary and Aquaman (ooh, how is he going to explain the tons of caviar?), who’ve also gone missing. All roads lead to Black Rock. Er, sorry, wrong show. Black Creek. All roads lead to Black Creek.
Lackey is interrogating the unmasked Canary and the rapidly dehydrating Aquaman. (Yay for some attempt at continuity!) He knows they were in the arctic for the Traveler. He wants the Traveler’s identity and Lex’s whereabouts, kthanxbai. They don’t know diddly or squat. That’s okay. He’s betting Green Arrow does.
Ollie and Clark crash the Black Creek party and immediately split up. Clark runs into Undercover Barbie Lois, LuthorCorp Security Guard. The jig is rapidly up; the other guards go down. Clark hunts for Chloe with Lois, bantering adorably. (“What are you doing here?” “I heard they had good espresso.”) Snap-snap-snap with the retorts and comebacks. It’s all just adorable. (“How did you get here?” “Feminine charm—yes, I do have some.” “You do a great job protecting your short supply of it.”) Off to rescue Chloe. Commercials.
Feminist gripe about commercials: the movie YesMan is either fictionalizing Maria Dhavana Headley’s excellent memoir The Year of Yes (and replacing the female narrator with Jim Carrey, ugh) or just ripping it off. The book is better. Consider this a public service announcement.
Lackey uses some juiced-up spinal fluid from Chloe’s mind-controlling mother to force her to give up Oliver’s phone number. For some reason, Ollie’s kept his phone on him for the rescue mission, so now Lex’s goons know Elvis is in the building. Ollie gets within spitting distance of the rest of the JLA before being juiced up with control serum. The lackey gives him one mission: find out what happened to Lex by any means necessary.
Clark and Lois, still bantering, still wonderful, bust Chloe out, but Agent Nerdlinger takes Lois out with a tazer. Clark and Chloe catch up on his powerlessness, then Clark heads out to find Oliver after Chloe says the goon squad is onto him. Tense scene!
Clark runs straight into mind-controlled Ollie with no answers for him vis a vis Lex and his whereabouts. Oliver puts a warning arrow into Clark’s shoulder. The next one’s a straight shot through Clark’s heart when he still can’t answer. Ollie wakes up too late to stop the only arrow that, unfortunately for humanized Clark, actually obeys the laws of physics. Chloe flies in and attempts a healing against Clark’s protestations. It doesn’t work. Uh-oh, how’s he going to get out of…
Deus Ex Manhunter! Out of nowhere, the Martian one appears, sweeps Clark up and sonic booms him to the sun. You may have spent centuries setting up a security system to take down your possibly power-mad super-son, Jor-El, but you forgot one niggling little detail: THE SUN. Fixes everything. Or, rather, it fixes Clark and strips the superior, smarter, better dressed Martian Manhunter of his powers. No word on how they got back through space if Clark only wakes up once he’s back in the barn. (They took the bus!) Clark is alive and has his powers, and someone else has lost something precious so that that might happen. Did you pretend to be surprised?
Clark and Mr. Mars shoot the breeze about what a huge turd Jor-El was. Clark’s Wizard of Oz moment when he was dying (“And you were there, and you were there”) has lead him to an epiphany. Witness the revelation:
“I’ve written eulogies. I’ve seen people walk away from me. But I’ve never really said goodbye. I’ve been holding onto a life on this farm that hasn’t existed for years.”
Mr. Mars: “So what are you going to do?”
“Let it go.”
I need a Martian Manhunter rescue myself right now, I might die of shock. Clark is ready to move on, into the bright and bold future ahead, Members Only jacket back on his shoulders. So, move ahead in all but good taste. That’s fine. No one ever accused Clark Kent of being fashionable. At least we’re finally friggin’ getting somewhere.
If that’s not enough, witness Clark sitting across from Lois at The Daily Planet. A farmboy with no college experience and zero publication history lands a job as an intern at the biggest newspaper in the country. Welcome to the least probable development of the entire episode, possibly the entire show. Although I roll my eyes, I get a secret thrill watching Lois goggle at Clark’s nameplate on the desk across from her. It helps that Tom Welling is lapping up the chance to be impish and charming all at once. Erica Durance returns as good as she gets, smiling uncertainly and bracing for impact. Atta girl.
Wrapping up loose threads:
-Chloe is still freaked by her speed-reading prowess. She says yes to marrying Jimmy over his stammering protests that he didn’t even mean to propose. Ah, me, young love.
-Ms. Mercer takes a dirty moment to enjoy the power seat at Lex’s desk before renouncing her total slavish love for it when an underling catches her. The underling has presents: a photo of a footprint in arctic snow that cannot belong to Lex (so, not exactly proof he’s alive then) and a briefcase with a blue crystal. Ooh, shiny.
-The JLA needs to lay low to protect themselves since they’ve been unmasked. Seeing as AC never wore a mask, I’m not sure he was ever really hidden. However, since Clark is in the same dilemma of how to hide himself now that he’s widely recognized by all the people who don’t know he’s Superman in a few years, I’m interested to see if they reconcile this with our Earth logic. Odds are roughly googol to one against.
Next week: Someone’s got a stalker/abuser! Again!
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About TrinityVixen: There’s an asterisk on TrinityVixen’scollege transcript that assures anyone who reads it that, though there is no specific major, degree, or certificate for it, she did, in fact, complete some kind of creative writing program as an undergrad. Armed with that symbol of irrelevant experience, she has polluted the internet with her opinions and horrible fanworks ever since (and for quite a long while before). Living poor in New York until she finds a means to become independently wealthy, she must subsist on the juicy meat of fandom. Fandom and noodles. And instant soup.
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