“He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker…He’s going to be very popular.” - Inga, Young Frankenstein

By Wolfen Moondaughter

*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

I have waited several long months in eager anticipation for this ep, ever since Joe Mallozzi and David Hewlett mentioned it in their blogs, and it did not disappoint! (I’m still squeeeing as a type! To quote Eddie Izzard, I’m “so velly exciteeed!!”) This is my favourite kind of story, one that wrenches and breaks your heart repeatedly, but has a happy ending — all the angst just makes the happy all the sweeter. Hewlett’s performance in particular, with his incredible range, was, obviously, gold — and so was Flanigan’s! As a die-hard McShepper, I was extremely satisfied. (Be warned: I will be gushing and “squeeing” emphatically throughout this review in regards to the McSheppiness!) My inner “McWhumpper” was thrilled too; it’s so *insert a thousand happy adjectives here* to see the state of Rodney’s health being taken seriously for a change, and to see others worry for him (especially John *cough*).

Now, I do have to admit, I had thought this episode would, overall, surpass “Tao of Rodney” as my all-time fave, the only other episode that so fully satisfied my inner hurt/comfort fiend in regards to my favourite character. And, well, there is a sequence in this one that is definitely now my favourite moment in the entire series. But I have decided that “The Shrine” and “ToR” are, overall, pretty well tied, as they each cover territory that the other doesn’t. (And I miss the presence of Carson and Zelenka in this one). Still, it’s a very lofty achievement to even tie “ToR”!

This ep is a shining example of how the best episodes are both character-specific and team-centric at the same time.

Which makes the recent news of the show’s cancellation all the harder to bear.

Well, I’ll get back to whinging later — for now, I’ll celebrate this fantastic story (and veritable fanfic goldmine)!

5.6: “The Shrine”

Keller is recording Rodney, asking him to say who he is. All we can tell at the moment is that he seems to have suffered some sort of brain damage, speaking like he’s mentally handicapped. He calls himself Mr Rodney McKay; Keller corrects him, saying that he’s “Doctor”. Despite his apparent ailment, he’s savvy enough to know doctors are smart, and he’s not; therefore, he’s “Mister”, he argues. (Call me biased if you want, but this is definitely an Oscar-caliber performance in my book. It’s absolutely heartbreaking!! At the risk of getting annoyingly gratuitous with the use of the phrase “heartbreaking”, since so much of this ep is exactly that, I’m just going to shout “HB!!” at moments that I think are especially so, okay? Okay.) He goes on to say he used to be the smartest person ever, and now he’s not, Keller patiently tells him that that’s what they’re trying to fix, but he refuses to believe that she can. (A marvelous, teasing bit of opening exposition — and quite a punch to the gut! I suppose there could have been openings — on SGA, in the franchise, or maybe in some other show — as strong, but I’m blanking at the moment.) Keller prompts him to continue with what he’s supposed to say, but he starts to call for John (*squeeeeee*!!), agitated.

The recording is paused; we see that Jeannie’s been watching it, along with Woolsey, Sheppard, and Keller. Understandably upset, Jeannie demands to know why she hadn’t been told that her brother was so far gone. John explains that “it happened pretty fast.” She protests that she’d just heard from him a couple of weeks ago and he’d seemed fine (hence it John saying it happened fast, dear), adding that he’d never been so nice. Keller explains that that was actually a symptom, but she didn’t recognise it in time; John assures Keller that it’s not her fault. (Knowing what we know later, I wonder if he considers it his own?) Woolsey further explains that they actually did contact Jeannie as soon as they knew there was something wrong, and had the Daedalus drop her at the first available gate in Pegasus (clever!) because they weren’t sure she would arrive in time. He reveal, to her shock and horror, that they wanted her to have a chance to say goodbye. (HB!!)

We see Jeannie, John, and Woolsey looking down on Rodney from the observation deck, while Keller “prepares” him for Jeannie’s visit. Admitting that she needs a minute too, she asks how Rodney got that way; John starts off the story by saying there was a SNAFU on their last mission. (It amuses me that people can use that term without anyone batting an eyelash, considering it stands for a phrase that includes one of Carlin’s seven dirty words ….)

Flashback. Woolsey tells John to point out to Dr Nichols, a scientist they are about to see offworld, that the man is late for his check-in. “Want me to smack him around a little bit?” John asks. (*Snicker*) Woolsey doesn’t seem amused. As they get ready to walk through the ‘Gate, Teyla asks John if they should be worried for Nichols and his team; John shrugs it off, pointing out that it’s not exactly a short trip from the ‘Gate to the camp; he figures the guy is tired of walking back and forth for how often Woolsey wants the check-ins. (Ahh, so Woolsey’s still annoying them with his bureaucratic foibles.) “Till, it wouldn’t hurt to bust his chops a bit,” Rodney remarks, adding with a frown that the scientist is “so arrogant!” John shoots Rodney an unseen You’re one to talk! look, then shares a scowl with the rest of the team as they go through the “Gate. (*Snicker* Besides being funny and ironic, that bit also nicely reinforces the notion that Rodney can be a very not-nice person.)

After they leave, Woolsey does this long rambling bit where he tries to decide, speaking aloud, whether he’ll have enough time to go to breakfast. He’s sort of talking to Amelia Banks, a tech, as he rambles, then realises he doesn’t need to be telling her all this, a sentiment to which she seems to readily agree. (It’s funny, but also seems awkward and drawn out, at least at the time. In that respect, it puzzles and somewhat annoys me — I don’t want to waste a second of Rodney-whump time, after all — until I realise the purpose behind it, at which point I realise it’s brilliant!) He starts to leave, when the alarm sounds, and Amelia announces an Unscheduled Offworld Activation. He tells her to raise the shield. (That strikes me as a little odd, seeing as they have their people offworld — they could be coming in hot!) Amelia says she’s not getting an IDC. (At which point, I could then see ordering a raising of the shield.) They quickly learn that it’s Sheppard and Co. Sheppard tells them to keep the shield up, as the valley they gated to is flooded, and the water would otherwise flood the tower! (Well, that explains why no IDC — Sheppard wanted them to have the shield up. And this explains why we had that seemingly pointless bit with Woolsey — we had to wait long enough for the team to get there, deal with the problem, and dial back, and it wouldn’t really have made sense to do a cutscene.) Sheppard says that it’s cold and wet, the ‘Gate is under water, the valley flooded; Rodney chimes in that it’s freezing. (*Snicker* Awww.) John requests that a jumper be sent, so that they can get warm and dry until the water recedes. Woolsey’s amenable, but they discover that they can’t close the gate to dial out!

We see the team sitting on top of the ‘Gate (well, Rodney is more like laying on his stomach on it), on a bit that’s poking out of the water. (I wonder, was valley completely flooded when they arrived? Did they have to swim to the surface? Scary thought, nearly drowning upon exiting!) Shivering, Rodney explains that the ‘Gate won’t close because the pressure of the water on the ‘Gate is keeping it open; they’ll have to wait the 38 minutes before the ‘Gate closes automatically. John says that means they have thirty-two minutes left. (They took some time getting the recue ‘jumper ready, I imagine.) “And before you say ‘I told you so,” we had no choice,” John adds. (I assume he’s talking about dialing the ‘Gate, and how they wouldn’t be able to close it.) Rodney remarks that he can’t stop shivering, but the others don’t seem bothered, Ronon teasing that Rodney’s cold because he’s letting all the hot air out of his mouth. John assures Rodney soothingly that they’ll be warm soon. Rodney thinks, with genuine worry, that maybe he got wetter than John. “I don’t know, I got a little damp dialing the DHD,” John replies sarcastically. (Not that I blame, John; I can see how he’d think Rodney was just whinging.)

Teyla worries for Nichols and his team, at the camp at the top of the valley. (As she speaks, we see something black and star-shaped floating in the water before them; I didn’t really notice it the first time through, but I recognise it for what it is now! I’ll bring it up again later. By the by, this whole sequence is really beautiful to look at, the way the water is lit by the ‘Gate!) John tries radioing the camp, but gets no response. Rodney, to Teyla’s dismay, figures they’re dead, pointing out that the camp was situated right under a glacier while studying the effects of global warming; John realises Rodney is suggesting that an ice dam broke. Rodney scathingly agrees, and John grimaces (I’m guessing because of the probable fate of the scientists, not Rodney’s behavior). McKay adds that this is probably why the water’s so cold. (I’m surprised they aren’t all shivering like mad — I mean, I consider 70-degree water to be unbearably cold for full-boy immersion!) Rodney sneezes, then complains that he’s now hot and still shivering. Feeling his forehead, Teyla asks if he was running a fever before they left; he doesn’t know, remarking that he’s always running something. (Like his mouth? *Snicker* Odd statement, though. And I can’t see Rodney being willing to step through the ‘Gate if he knew that there was even a faint chance he might sick, Teyla.) John notes that the water seems to have receded a little; Rodney reckons they’ll be there all night. “In the back of a warm, cozy jumper, all right?” John returns, adding that they just need to wait 30 minutes or so, attempting to be soothing but also sounding a bit exasperated. The camera pans back; we see that they’re in a wide expanse of fog, with the glacier off in the distance ….

Next thing we know, the team is hurrying through the ‘Gate into Atlantis, Ronon carrying an unconscious, blanket-wrapped McKay in his arms (*squee* my inner hurt/comfort fiend says) and setting him down on a gurney (nice call-back to the end of “Tao of Rodney”.) The team is dressed in civilian clothes. (I’m thinking this is to make it clear they were indeed given dry clothes to change into — otherwise, I would have thought they would have either had emergency cloths in the ‘jumper, or the rescuers would have grabbed some spare BDUs from the locker room. As it is, what they’re wearing makes it look like the rescuers stopped at John’s quarters! ) Through their conversation with Keller, we learn that Rodney fell asleep in the ‘jumper and has been outright unconscious for about nine hours; she demands that they all see her to get checked out as well, despite Ronon’s protest that they’re good. (Interesting that he’s not jumping at the chance to get checked out by Keller, the way he seemed to last year! Well, maybe it’s just that he wants her to focus on Rodney.) Woolsey talks to John, revealing that he now wants to send MALPS ahead on every mission. (I’m with Woolsey on this one — for once, yay bureaucracy!) “Stuff happens, Woolsey,” John says, “and by stuff, I mean …” Woolsey knows. (*Snicker* Nice callback to Ford’s line to Jinto, waaaay back in “Hide and Seek”!) We learn that the reason they came back on foot was because John sent the ‘jumper on to see if the camp had any survivors. (Ahhh, I was wondering about that! It’s a very John thing to do, and makes their return a bit more dramatic, so I’m happy.) Woolsey doesn’t look all that pleased about the waste of resources, but he doesn’t naysay the action. John excuses himself to obey Keller’s order and to “check on Rodney.” (*Squee*)

When John arrives at the infirmary, Keller, Teyla, and Ronon wait by the astrophysicist’s bedside/ Rodney is awake and cheerful. Keller informs John that Rodney checks out clean. (Hmm, rather like the ‘jumper did last week?) Rodney actually asks after everyone else’s health (as opposed to trying to convince them that Keller must be wrong or bask in the attention)! Ronon assures him — and reiterates to Keller — that they’re good. When Teyla points out to Rodney that they weren’t the ones who were unconscious, Rodney bashfully explains that he hadn’t slept well the night before and had skimped on breakfast. (Yeah, all the warning bells should be going off, but it’s hard to not enjoy him being so pleasant!) John informs him, while sounding a little outraged, about Woolsey’s decision about the MALPs; Rodney says that’s going to get old fast. (It’s a lovely, conversational, buddies against the authority moment.) Rodney asks Keller if he can go, confessing that he feels a little silly; she says she wants to observe him for a while longer (which I find funny, seeing as she’s not observing him too well right now) and says she’s ordered him some food. Smiling, he says she can watch him eat, ’cause he’s famished. John pats his leg (*squee*), saying it’s official, Rodney’s better, and leaves with Teyla. Rodney calls out a “See you, guys!”

Cutscene to the present, where Keller asks a wheelchair-bound Rodney if he wants her to send “them” in. (Nice segue — he says goodbye, now he’s saying hello ….) She uses the intercom to tell them up in the observation deck that Rodney is ready. Uncertain, Jeannie looks to John, asking what she should say. “It doesn’t matter,” John assures her with a nod, sad but encouraging. (HB!!)

We see Rodney’s lips moving, like he’s talking to himself, when Jeannie comes in. She starts to introduce herself to Rodney, but he remembers her already, and also remembers that Meredith is his real name. Jeannie remarks that he never liked it; he says, with difficulty, that it’s a girl’s name. She laughs, getting teary now, agreeing that it can be. “But you go by Rodney,” she tells him. “Mister Rodney McKay,” he agrees, then starts to repeat his name quietly. The whole time, his attention has tracked all around the room, like he’s only half-there. Keller bows her head, unable to watch. Rodney focuses somewhat on Jeannie (it’s unsettling — and amazing — how well Hewlett does that vacant expression), and notes that she’s crying because of him; she says she just missed him very much. As she speaks, she starts to lose it, her grip on her composure quickly growing tenuous. (Kate does a fantastic job here too! Admittedly, she’s helped by the fact that David is her real-life brother, but I’m confident she would have done as well with any other actor in those roles. I also feel sorry for her; it must have been very hard scene on her emotionally, for the very fact that she was seeing her flesh-and-blood brother act like that, David playing pretend all too well.) “Because you’re my sister,” Rodney notes; she says he’s right, nodding. Having more difficulty speaking, he tells her that he’s sick. She says she knows, promising that she’s there for him. (A super heart-breaking scene! Apparently Jeannie agrees …) Seeming to regain her composure for a moment, Jeannie excuses herself, promising him that she will be right back. (I’m getting misty myself!)

She hurries out, and almost runs into Ronon. She tries to doge him, but he won’t let her past; she gives in and lets him embrace her. She sobs, saying she just needs a minute, she doesn’t want him see her like this. “I know how you feel; I felt the same way,” he assures her. (*Squee* Oh, that just tickles me to death, seeing as Ronon seldom seems to show any emotion but irritation or glee in regards to McKay. Of course, after something we learn later, I have to wonder if he actually is talking about McKay, but I’m still pretty sure he is.) Jeannie says, pleadingly, that she will go back in and be there for him, she wants to say goodbye, “but it’s like he’s already gone!” Ronon reveals that there’s a place where they can take McKay that will give her that chance, a place that will make McKay himself again for a little while. She asks why they haven’t taken him there already. (Uh, Jeannie, why wouldn’t they have waited for you?) Ronon reveals that the journey is a dangerous one, adding that he’s willing to risk it if she is.

We see Rodney being filmed by Keller again; with a rueful expression, he tells her, in friendly tones, to remind him to lodge a complaint with whosever idea it was to do the recordings. She tells him that it was his idea. He moans, rolling his eyes at himself, saying comdedically, “Well, complaint duly registered!” (Sidenote: does anyone else find rueful self-deprecation like this — as opposed to an actual lack of confidence — extremely sexy?) She insist that tit was a good idea, doing a video-log so that would have a point or reference to work from, tracking his illness, but adds that they can stop if he wants; he waves the suggestion off, saying it’s fine. “Start with my name, right?” She confirms. “Hey, I remembered something — yaaaay!” he cheers playfully. (Oh, that was too, too adorable! *Grin*) He recites who he is and where he’s from; it’s much earlier in his illness, with him only slightly forgetful, in the way where the words are on the tip of one’s tongue, but it’s obvious that it’s frustrating him. (And we go from humour to angst much like going “zero to sixty” in five seconds. What a ride — and I’m gleefully enjoying every second!) She encourages him to keep going, but he pauses, hesitantly revealing that he has something he wants to say while he still can. (My eyes grow big — is he going to confess how he feels about her??)

Jeannie interrupts Keller’s viewing of the log, looking for info. (Darn her!!) Keller turns the screen off, saying she hadn’t expected anyone so late. (She reminds me of someone who’s potentially been caught looking at porn. *Snicker*) Jeannie says she’s the type who wants all the info she can get. Keller shows her a scan of Rodney’s brain, explaining that the dark area that looks like a tumour is actually a parasite that has spread to far to be extracted. (They can’t program the Asgard beaming tech to do a beam-out geared toward the parasite’s DNA?) It’s not responding to any treatments, and the spread was barely halted by stasis (answering my own question of why they didn’t put him in stasis until they find a cure, although frankly I wonder how it’s even possible that it could spread in stasis). Jeannie interrupts her, saying with a questioning tone that he was infected during his last mission; Keller says they don’t know, as it was too small to even show up on a scanner at the time, and it’s a common ailment in Pegasus among the old. Jeanie says that’s what she doesn’t understand; if it afflicts the old, why hit Rodney? Keller says it’s possible they all have the parasite out here. She explains that Rodney was already getting sick when he went on the mission, and it was exacerbated by the freezing water, lowering his resistance, his ability to fight it. (If that’s the case, why don’t all young people who might have caught the parasite get the condition after falling prey to a cold, though? I suppose his could have been an extreme case — except that he didn’t even seem to have a cold when he woke up in the infirmary!) Keller goes on to say that “the parasite doesn’t kill cells so much as render them dormant.” (Why, I wonder? If the parasite doesn’t feed on the brain, what’s its intent? If it feeds off of certain chemicals in the brain, why doesn’t that destroy the brain? Maybe it feeds off of blood, and the brain is the easiest source for it to reach. If it went in through the ear ….) Keller explains that it causes ever-diminishing brain function, affecting motor skills and eventually organ function. Jeannie interrupts, revealing that the Satedans call it “Second Childhood”. Keller’s not pleased to hear that Jeannie’s talked to the man, realising that he’s told her about the place that can give Rodney one good day, arguing that she’s still trying to save him. Jeannie asks what Keller meant about not recognising the symptoms “in time“. “Because he was already showing the symptoms when he came back from the mission, and … I didn’t see it,” Keller explains apologetically, her voice hitching a little.

Flashback. Rodney’s eating in his hospital bed when Keller approaches. (Odd that she had him go through the trouble of putting on a hospital gown now, but not earlier.) He’s funny, friendly, and charming, offering her a fruit cup. (And we all know Rodney would never offer his food to someone else!) She points out that eating off the patient’s tray is frowned upon; he argues that they’ve practically dated. She protests that buying her a drink isn’t a date. “Right, so, well now I’m asking you to have dinner with me! I mean … such as it is,” he finishes, shaking the cup. She relents with a grin, sitting on the bed and taking the cup. He goes on to admit that this wasn’t the kind of dinner he had in mind. She asks if that’s an invitation; “Only if you accept,” he says flirtatiously. (I goggle — he really just asked her out?? Half of me squees, but the McShepper and Ronon/Keller shipper in me are both unsettled.)

Keller finishes the story by saying that if she hadn’t been so taken by this change in Rodney, she might have caught the condition early enough to remove the parasite. “By the time he started to forget, it was too late,” she reveals guiltily. (To be clear on this, I don’t think the insinuation is that Rodney was acting in a fashion that is entirely unnatural for him so much as that this is what he would be like if he weren’t constantly mindful of how others can hurt him, always on the defensive. Note that, in the early stages of his illness, when he’s still quite cognitive, he’s not so different from Jeannie like, really — albeit maybe a bit nicer even than her. More self-deprecating. Yes, I do think we are seeing David Hewlett here more than Rodney, in some ways, but only because it makes sense to think of Rodney as being a — forgive me —smarter version of David, one who has become cynical/jaded. Take away the traumas of Rodney’s life, and a guy like Hewlett is probably who is left behind. Interestingly, he’s a bit different from Rod, too — Rod, even, was a bit more arrogant than this Rodney. And, lastly, I think with his ego stripped away, Rodney’s having an easier time showing the people he cares about just how he cares about them. So it’s not a personality swap — he’s not possessed by an alien consciousness, despite the parasite, nor reprogrammed into someone completely different — so much as getting a clean slate, a chance to be who he might have been without the awful memories.)

Jeannie mentions the place that Ronon told her about; Keller starts to say Jeannie can’t possibly believe it would work, but Jeannie speaks on, saying that Ronon said Keller wouldn’t let Rodney go.

Another flashback, this time to Woolsey’s office, where to Ronon talks about the Shrine of Talus, a place where, when Ronon was six, they took his grandfather. (Ooh, I wrote a pre-airing fic based on summaries that predicted Ronon knew of the shrine because his grandfather had been inflicted with the Second Childhood! Cool — at least I managed to predict that much!) Ronon says it took five or six hours to get there on foot, with his grandfather being carried, but it should only take them half the time. (Ugh, aren’t jumpers considerably faster? Oh, wait, maybe he can only find it if they go on foot .…) Sheppard points out that there’s a problem with the idea, Woolsey elaborating that there’s s Wraith outpost there. Ronon shrugs that detail off, figuring they’ve encountered worse before. Sheppard is still hesitant; Teyla realises that they don’t believe him. Over Ronon’s insistence that he was there, Woolsey points out how young Ronon was, and is skeptical of the notion of a magic cave behind a waterfall that can work such a miracle. Ronon protests that he never said it was magic; Keller points out that he said it makes people suddenly turn back to normal, in tones that say her might not have said magic but it sounds like he’s talking about magic. Teyla backs him up, saying that her own people know of the place, where those afflicted can receive the gift of one last day … and a quick death. (Oh, I see how they might consider that a gift, but I don’t like the sound of that!! Then again, she doesn’t look thrilled either) John points out that her people knowing of it doesn’t make it real.

Offended now, Ronon insists that he watched his grandfather go from someone who couldn’t say his own name to the man who’d taught him to track and hunt. “You learned to track and hunt when you were six years old?” Woolsey asks, astounded. (Sooo off-topic, man! Although, I’m a little surprised, too — why are the Satedans such an aboriginal-seeming society when they lived in such an urban setting? I had thought he’d learned the survivalist stuff in the army, or as a Runner! Ooh, maybe Ronon only lived in the city while he was a soldier, and otherwise lived in a more rural area …. Oh, while I’m thinking of it, this is what made me wonder if Ronon was actually talking about McKay earlier, when he was talking to Jeannie, or if he really meant that was how he’s felt with his grandfather. I prefer to think the former.) Ronon gets in Woolsey’s face, saying how the shrine allowed his grandfather one last day to be with his wife and family, and to die with honour. (Honour? Sounds more like dying with dignity — how is dying when you’ve lost your mind an honourless death?) Ronon insists that he knows what he saw, and that they can do the same for McKay. (I’m deeply touched that he feels so strongly!) Keller doesn’t look convinced. “If you think that’s not worth it, you’re wrong,” he tells them Woolsey.

Woolsey turns away, thoughtful. (Hmm, just like he did in “Ghost in the Machine”, turning away from an adversary so that they can’t read his expression — interesting character trait!) He turns back and hesitantly tells them of how his father had Alzheimer’s, something he’s never told anyone. He relates how, one day when he came to visit the man, his father had a moment where he was just like his old self, perfectly lucid — and then it was gone. (It’s in interesting insight to his character, putting McKay’s situation to a good, extra use!) He suggests that Ronon’s grandfather’s situation was the same, and they just assumed it was the shrine. (Pretty odd coincidence, Richard …) Ronon insists that it’s not the same, snapping that he owes McKay this (*squee*) and will take him himself; Teyla says she’ll go too. John stops them, pointing out that the planet has two hive ships and 10,000 Wraith troops near the ‘Gate, saying they need to make a plan first. “Fine, make your plan,” Ronon replies offhandedly. Keller then protests, saying that they can’t go without her permission, which she won’t give without talking to Rodney himself first.

We see Rodney in the iso room when Keller walks up, telling him John’s there; he smiles faintly. (*Squee*) She adds the whole team is there, and they walk in, surrounding his bed. While he’s mostly got a confused, unfocused expression through most of the scene, he recognises Ronon, calling him by both first and last name. Ronon tells McKay about the shrine, but Rodney doesn’t understand, not even with Teyla’s prompt. Sheppard comes to stand beside him with a half-hearted smile, saying,” Hey, pal.” McKay lights up, saying, with a bit of difficulty, “Hey John!” (*Squeeee!!* First name use and being so happy to see him! I’m happy myself, with this beautiful example of their bond, and yet heartbroken at the same time!) John explains that they don’t really know what will happen at the shrine, but they’re willing to try if he is. Rodney says “‘Kay!”, but his face looks very blank. (It’s really creepy!) John perks up, taking that as a yes, but Keller’s not satisfied. (John looks like a kicked puppy — so cute!)

She tells Rodney that they haven’t told him everything; Ronon growls that he doesn’t need to know. Ignoring the Satedan, she explains that they want to take him to a wraith outpost, asking if he remembers who they are; no response. She explains that the journey will be dangerous for his friends, not just himself; Sheppard protests that they’re willing to take the risk. She goes on to explain what will supposedly happen, making it clear that she thinks it’s a longshot, and frankly considers it more torture than a blessing. (I’m with her — and not just for Rodney’s sake, but all of them. I’d definitely consider it torture to know, whether I were the one dying or the one watching a loved one die. But I can also definitely understand it from their standpoint too, desperate to have whatever time they can with him. There’s a third viewpoint to consider it from, and it bugs me badly that no one is thinking of it, particularly Keller: if the place offers a temporary cure, maybe they can figure out how it works and make the cure permanent. Obviously that’s what eventually happens, but I don’t understand why that wouldn’t be their line of thought from the get-go! Well, okay, let me rephrase that: I understand why Wright didn’t have any of them consider it, from a dramatic standpoint, but they’re too smart for that, so it’s not believable storytelling. All it would have taken would have been some sort of detail that would give them a good reason to think it wouldn’t be possible. Simply thinking it a superstition doesn’t work in that regard because they have come across too many superstitions already that turned out to be sparked by ancient tech, like in “Harmony” and “Childhood’s End”. Were I them, I would instantly want to see if there was some ancient device there!) Keller goes on to say that she’s still trying to treat him, but if he leaves Atlantis (”Lantis” he repeats, obviously not really absorbing what he’s being told — aww), that will be the end of her being ale to help him. Rodney starts to recite the decimal places of pi very quietly to himself. (Kind of a nod to the concept broached in “Tabula Rasa”, where Teyla said Rodney would hold onto his science the longest.) Teyla draws Keller aside, Ronon following. While they move back, the camera stays on John; we see him swallow hard, eyes as grief-stricken as when he was told Weir would die, way back in “Adrift”. (Man, Flanigan is a master at that!! HB!!!!!!!! *Flails in McShepper rapture*) Teyla notes that Rodney doesn’t seem to understand what he’s being told; Keller agrees. As Sheppard turns to her, she says this means it’s her decision now, and she hasn’t given up on her patient. She goes back to Rodney, stroking his hair while the team leaves. (I’m a little surprised that the team isn’t more willing to give Keller every possible chance before going down a path that will, from the sounds of it, kill him for sure ….)

Back in the present, Jeannie says, questioningly, that Keller hasn’t given up. Keller insists that there seems to be no damage to the brain — if she can just remove the parasite, he’ll be fine. Jeannie rolls her eyes a bit and pulls a Woolsey, asking how long Keller’s been at it with no result, and now Rodney only has a day or two left. As his next of kin, it’s Jeannie’s decision; she says they’re taking him. ( I guess I can understand, with only a day or so left anyway, although were I Rodney, I’d only want that to do that if they were going to try to make the sure permanent — otherwise, I’d want them to keep trying in Atlantis until the last possible moment! And I think I’d want to stay in stasis after a certain point, when there’s no sense of self left, to give the doctors as much time as possible to work. I mean, cures sometimes take years — it’s stupid to say “Well, if you haven’t got a cure by now …” For all Jeannie knows, Keller could come up with a breakthrough at the last possible moment! I can’t really see wanting to trade a chance at life for a chance to say goodbye ….)

We see another recording, this time taken in the very early stages of his illness. Keller tells him to go ahead. “Well aren’t you supposed to say action or something?” he teases, saying that he’s just kidding. (Man, I hope we see more of this side of Rodney even after the parasite is gone, in other eps!) Launching into his spiel, Rodney says most of what he’s supposed to say easily (including an explanation of what the log is for) — save for having a little trouble, ironically (as he says) remembering that the log’s purpose is to track his “memory loss”. (It would be really funny if it wasn’t also so sad!) And he recites pi. (HB!! I really like how they are using the videos to bring us back into the show from the commercial breaks, and how the videos are going back in time, showing us earlier and earlier in his progression. Hewlett did a fantastic job showing the subtle differences of the stages of his deterioration, too — not just in the videos, but throughout the episode! I do wish we had gotten to see the point where Keller actually realised that there was something wrong, though, as well as maybe some reactions from Radek and other scientists, not just to the news of his illness, but to his niceness before he was diagnosed ….)

The video fades to a shot of the team making their way through the control room to the ‘jumper bay, where Rodney apparently is waiting for them. Woolsey stops Sheppard, telling him, hesitantly, that if it does work, he wants Sheppard to say goodbye for him. (HB!!) In the ‘jumper, they find not only a lost-looking Rodney and his sister, but Keller as well. “Ah, thought you didn’t believe,” Ronon points out somewhat cattily. “Is that a prerequisite?” Keller returns. (Hah! I already liked her, but that line gives me a whole new respect for her! Brilliant!) Jeannie assures her that Rodney will be glad she’s there. (I wonder if he’s said anything to Jeannie about his feelings for Keller?) John warns everyone that they may be in for a rough ride, then lets the control room know that ‘Jumper Three is ready, so they should send the MALP through. (Oooh, that reminds me — did we lose ‘Jumper One in “The Daedalus Variations”?? That makes me inexplicably sad ….)

The MALP serves a bigger purpose than alerting them to danger — it draws enemy fire and creates a smoke-screen, allowing John to fly the ‘jumper through the gate without being noticed, since they can’t fly through cloaked; of course he puts the cloak up as soon as he can. Teyla asks if they might have been seen; John doesn’t think so, hoping that they figured that their people changed their mind about coming through the ‘Gate after the MALP was destroyed. (I wonder how many MALPs they have. Those things are probably really expensive, ‘ey? Anyway, nice way to address what the audience may have been questioning ….) John pulls up the HUD, saying that he’s going to “sweep the landing area, and that it “shouldn’t take more than a few minutes.” We hear Rodney calling out “John! John!!”” But it’s not coming from the Rodney behind Sheppard …

It’s from a memory. We see a panicked-looking Rodney running down the halls. (*SQUEEEEE* Thus begins my very fave McSheppy sequence ever — which is, happily, also the longest! The former first place — which is still an extremely close second — was the scene in “Miller’s Crossing”, where John refuses to let Rodney sacrifice himself for his sister ….) Rodney arrives at John’s door, pounding on it and crying out for him. (Interesting that Rodney seeks out John rather than Jennifer here! And calls John by his first name repeatedly, no less! Be still, my McShepper heart!) John hurries out of bed (love how the light comes on all on its own — gotta love the ATA gene), confused and worried as he opens the door. Rodney grabs him by the shoulders, starting to say something about John having been there, and can’t seem to finish the thought coherently. Deeply concerned (and a little freaked) John assures him that he’s right there, asking what’s wrong. Anguished, Rodney says he woke up to find that everyone had left. (Everyone, but it’s John that he seeks out!) Understanding and regret cross John’s face; he apologises, calling him buddy (love that term of endearment), saying he’d thought Rodney had fallen asleep. (Er, he had, John — he just didn’t stay that way. *Snicker* By the way, love the weird, anime-style vampire panda skull and crossbones shirt, John. Is there a Hot Topic in the Pegasus galaxy? *Grin*) As John speaks, Rodney lets go and comes in, hands over his face and making sounds of frustration.

Wild-eyed and tearfully pleading, Rodney says he’s never been so scared. John puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. (*SQUEEE* I love how, despite normally shrinking back from contact from others, John is always reaching out to Rodney.) Rodney goes on to say that he’s afraid that when he wakes up in the morning, his mind will be gone. John, says, soothingly, that he’s going to take Rodney back to his quarters. Rodney grabs John’s arm, stressing that he’s scared, afraid that he’s slipping away and can’t stop himself. John gently but firmly holds Rodney’s upper arms, telling him reassuringly, “You’re still here, all right? You’re still here …” Rodney calms, agreeing that he is. “And I’m not goin’ anywhere,” John continues, letting go. “Hell, you wanna hang out, you just … hang out.” (*SQUEEE!!!!* Fiiiinally!!!!! The boyos “just hanging out” is probably the most popular fanfic theme for McSheppers that there is! I’m on cloud nine at the prospect! For this sequence, including the upcoming pier bit, just consider me to be in a continuous state of super-sonic squeeing that can be heard by dogs in Japan.) Rodney says he just doesn’t know what to do with himself, then remarks, ashamed, that he shouldn’t have woken John up. John says it’s a nice night out, suggesting they go have some beer on the pier, gripping Rodney’s shoulder companionably for another moment before heading to his mini-fridge for a six-pack. (Wow, they’ve come a long way since the days of “one personal item”!) “I drink beer?” Rodney asks, flummoxed. “A lot,” John assures him. (*Snicker* Unless it’s Moulson, I’m thinking it’s John who’s needing a drink ….) John tosses Rodney his leather coat, grabbing a flannel for himself and the six-pack and steering Rodney out the door. (*Gush* How gentlemanly, giving Rodney the heavier coat!)

We see them from behind as they sit on a pier, one of the moons shining through the clouds in the night sky. John opens a beer and hands it to Rodney, who puts the one he already has down and asks, hesitant, “I dunno — should I have another?” “What could happen?” John asks in turn. (Heh, methinks Sheppard thinks Rodney needs to get drunk, but he’d better be careful, lest he have to wake up Ronon to carry McKay back!) McKay confesses to feeling ridiculous, having banged on John’s door like that. The angle changes, and we get a lovely a glimpse of the lit city, over McKay’s shoulder. (It makes me terribly homesick for Chicago and the nights I would spend on the pier. *Sigh*) “Don’t,” John tells him (probably both because he doesn’t think it’s something Rodney should have to apologise for and because it’s his typical uncomfortable reaction to such a confession.) After a quiet moment, Rodney remarks that he’s been trying to think of his niece’s name. A few beats later, John tells him “Betty.” Rodney thinks about it, then, scrunching his brow, says he’s pretty sure that’s not it. “It’s Madison, John tells him. “See? At least you remember what it wasn’t,” John adds encouragingly. “Now there’s an under-rated skill,” Rodney replies ruefully. The angle changes again, giving us the also-lovely view over John’s shoulder. He says he just means that Rodney might not be so far gone as he believes. Rodney insists that he’s just hiding it, that he’s already forgotten more than most remember. “And I know that sounds … arrogant? Is that right?” he asks tiredly. (HB!) “Yeah,” John says, chuckling, “that works.” The view changes, and we get a glimpse of the city behind them, but from a low angle, with the reflection of the water on the pier below them. (It’s so serene!) Rodney tells John how he’d tried to help Zelenka earlier with something that was apparently his own idea, but he was useless. (It’s never addressed here, but I suppose there’s still a chance that, if Zelenka was right all those times he said Rodney was off of his game, it was indeed the presence of the parasite at work, just having been kept fairly well at bay until McKay got sick!) Rodney says that Jennifer tells him it’s going to get worse, almost by the hour. The camera angle changes again, to John, with more of the city behind him (my fave angle yet), a deeply serious and rather unhappy frown on his face. Rodney says that, in a week, he won’t remember his own name.

Rodney looks away, but John eyes him for several more moments of silence. As Rodney attempts to speak finally, John turns his face away a little, looking like he’s going to cry. The angle switches, and he looks even sadder, swallowing hard. Finding his voice again, Rodney suggests softly that they say their goodbyes now. (HB!!!!!*Sob*) John looks at him a moment in surprise, then says “No!” (I’m having trouble typing this stuff through my own tears ….) “What do you man, no?” Rodney asks, staring in shock and mildly offended, a little of his old spark back. Not quite looking at him, John says, “I mean I’m not saying goodbye!” Rodney insists that he’s saying it anyway; John frowns at him, proclaiming that that he’s not listening. (*Snicker* I half expect him to put his hands over his ears and go “Lalalalala!”) Rodney protests that soon he won’t even remember who John is. (Ah, but we’ve seen already that he does hold on to that, and the knowledge of other people he loves. *Sniff*) “Then I’ll remind you,” John tells him firmly. (I’m a blubbering mess now. Also, that line from John triggered the sudden realisation that the song “Anytime You Need a Friend”, from The Beau Sisters, would be a perfect theme to this sequence: “When you’re scared / I will stay with you /When you feel you’re falling /I’ll lift you / When you’re heart breaks / I’ll ease your aches / Whatever it takes, I’m in ….” Must … resist … urge… to fanvid it!!) Rodney protests that he wants John to remember him as he is now, as his “genius friend, not as some shadow,” but John remains steadfast in his resolve. “Please,” Rodney begs. “You’re stuck with me, Rodney; just accept it,” John tells him. Rodney tries to protest, and John cuts him off with a sharp “NO!”, turning to Rodney with a raised finger, saying, “That’s final!” (He’s even breathing a little heavy. Sometimes “In Denial of Bad Possibilities!John” is a really beautiful thing tp behold. Also? I’m freakin’ Niagara right now, at this evidence of just how much John truly, deeply cares for Rodney.) Rodney backs down finally. “Okay,” John says, satisfied, taking a swig of beer. They’re quiet for a long moment. The camera starts to pulls back and pan around so that the city swings into a fuller view. “You’re a good friend, Arthur,” Rodney says. (*Beat*) John looks at him; Rodney looks back. They hold each other’s gaze for a long moment, before John realises that Rodney’s kidding, and spits out his beer in laughter, doubling over, Rodney chuckling beside him. (Nice Hitchiker’s Guide reference: Arthur Dent.) The camera pans back even further, and we get a nice long shot of them just enjoying each other’s quiet company. (It’s frelling gorgeous, both the backdrop and the simple fact that they are sitting there together like that. I’m Niagara Falls at this point, it’s such a heart-achingly wonderful moment. In fact, right now? I can’t think of any scene in anything that I’ve liked more! Thus ends my fave sequence ….)

Back in the ‘jumper, we see John smile with the memory. (Awwwwww!) He announces that the landing spot is clear and that he’s taking them in. We see a waterfall — not tiny but not huge, either. Teyla leads Rodney to the pool the water falls into. He asks where they’re going; she points to the falls, asking if he sees the cave behind it and explaining that he will get to spend a wonderful day there with his friends. (HB!) He says he’s tired; she says she knows, but they will be there soon, and steers him back the way they came. A decidedly unhappy-looking John helps him climb the rocks, then helps Teyla (who is wearing a cute Athosian-style tunic-dress thing).

They reach the cave behind the falls; Rodney is whimpering and balking as Ronon and John steer him in. Jeannie asks what they’re supposed to do; Ronon says they wait. John tries to get Rodney’s attention, telling him, like a parent trying to sooth a distressed child, “Look at the waterfall; isn’t it cool?” But Rodney turns away, crying no; Ronon blocks his way.

Keller notes strange energy readings, while Teyla finds some markings on a natural stone column. Keller asks if the readings are radiation, but Jennie says it’s not like any she’s ever seen. John suggests that maybe Rodney can tell them in a minute. (Aha! He believes!) Rodney calls out for John, tearfully. (*Squee*) “Hang in there, buddy”, John tells him encouragingly, his arm around the scientist. (I melt a little anytime John calls Rodney buddy, but it’s extra-sweet now!) Rodney tells John mournfully that wants to home now. (Awww!) Teyla wonders if Rodney should stand closer to the column, but Keller points out that that’s where the energy readings are coming from. (Well, then it stands to reason that the stone is what triggers the miraculous change, now doesn’t it?? Keller drives me crazy in this sequence — well, all of them do, really, for not considering immediately that they might figure out what causes the change and actually save Rodney with it, instead of just getting a day. Yeah, I know, it’s for drama’s sake, but it also makes them all seem incredibly dense. Do they need the Obvious to smack them all in the heads with a two-by-four before they see it??) John leads Rodney over to the column, Rodney dragging his feet and reiterating that he wants to leave. Suddenly he doubles over, screaming, cradling his head in his hands while John — and, a moment later, Jeannie too — holds him up. (*Squee!!* I got a mental flashback to John catching and steering a doubled-over-in-pain Rodney over to his bed in “Tao of Rodney” ….) After a moment, Rodney stops screaming. He straightens, looking confused. “Jeannie?” he asks, puzzled. “I’m here, Mer,” she tells him. “Well, yeah, obviously!” he says, looking around. “He’s back,” John says in whispered relief. Rodney asks what the hell they’re all ding there. (*Snicker* Yeah, I’d say so, John ….)

Another vid log, taking place somewhere between the first one we’d scene, where he was pretty far gone (but still somewhat cognizant) and the second (which had taken place before it chronologically), where he was only a little forgetful. His speech is clear, but his memory is pretty bad; he’s only able to repeat small snippets of what he’s supposed to remember, and mumbles a few numbers from pi, wondering at his inability to remember that. (It’s supposed to be easy as pi, after all, no? *Wink*) He’s very frustrated now, but when Keller asks if he wants to stop, he starts to talk about a vague memory he’s been having. It’s of a woman that hethinks is his mother. “She’s saying words to me,” he says with a small smile, which fades as he realises, but I don’t know them ….” (HB!! … Interesting — he’s said in SG-1 that his parents hated him, so I assumed his mother was bitchy and verbally abusive, but he seems wistful here. Of course, that could very well be that he wouldn’t be wistful if he could actually remember her better — or that maybe he has a good mix of fond and not-so-fond memories. In any case, I really wish we could see more about his childhood and teen years ….)

We see the waterfall, then are back in the cave. Rodney says, irritated, “Well, you can start by telling me what is this place!” Ronon tells him that he’s at the Shrine of Talus; Rodney points out, somewhat impatiently, that that means nothing to him. Ronon says it’s a planet of the Ancestors, and that they brought him to it. Rodney thanks him in an ungrateful tone, asking the rest of them when exactly the Satedan became “Ronon the Explainer” (*snicker*), and what he himself is doing out of the infirmary. “What, am I better?” Then he realises that he is — or so it seems. Keller tells him he’s not, but he insists that he can feel it. Jeannie explains that it’s just so he can say goodbye, that it only works for about a day. Rodney is outraged. John asks what he remembers; he replies that he remembers the man not wanting him to say goodbye, so why now? And why only one day? John look a little contrite. Teyla explains that they took a great risk to being him there so that he could have the gift of the shrine, one last day with those he loves. “And then what?” he asks, not getting an answer but figuring it out for himself. “I die?” “With honour,” Ronon tells him. (Yeah, I’m thinking he doesn’t care so much about that, big guy.) “And dignity,” Teyla adds. (Yeah, he probably only cares marginally about that, either.) “Screw that!” he says, insisting he’ll just stay in the cave then. Ronon, seeming perturbed at McKay’s ingratitude, says it doesn’t work that way. John explains that the planet is Wraith-controlled, Jeannie adding that there’s radiation, and they probably shouldn’t even be so close to the shrine. (Jeannie, the lightbulb should be going on in your head by now! Arrrgh!)

Rodney asks Keller, accusingly, how she could allow them to do this. (Further proof that his feelings for Keller are more genuine, being able to snap at her rather than holding her on a pedestal.) Jeannie says not to blame Keller, adding that the doctor didn’t even want to bring him there; he angrily demands to know whose “brilliant idea” it was, then, prompting Jeannie to roll her eyes and cross her arms. (I feel a little sorry for her disappointment.) Ronon says it was his; John steps in and says, placatingly, that they all thought it would be a good thing. Rodney asks, furious, how it could be. John’s face falls. (HB!) Practically frothing at the mouth, Rodney points out that he’d gotten past the humiliation and said his goodbyes. (Hell, he’s said his goodbye to Jeannie way back in “Letters to Pegasus”!) Jeannie tells him that she’s sorry about what’s happened to him, but not sorry to have this chance to spend time with him, saying, ” Please just try to see this as an opportunity and not …” “Torture?” he growls. (It strikes me that besides being justified, McKay’s vehemence provides a sharp contrast to the mostly-gentle soul he’s been lately, reinforcing the idea that the parasite is no longer affecting him.)

There’s a long, awkward pause; Jeannie turns away in frustration, Ronon in disgust, while Keller looks apologetic, and John and Teyla, downcast. (I feel for them, I do, but I’m with Rodney. They were thinking more of themselves than him — which is only natural when someone you love is near death, but still. If they had figured from the beginning to try to derive permanent cure, I’d feel better about the whole thing. Well, putting aside my aggravation with their stupidity, I can appreciate the angst in such a complicated situation, and the exploration of both sides. Also? It looks like they need some new points covered in their living wills! “Don’t bring me back to clarity after I lose my mind if I’m certain to die a short while later …” Come to think of it, why didn’t Ronon first tell him about it and ask Rodney’s feelings on going there back when they first realised what was wrong with him?) Rodney visibly deflates, apologising, explaining that he thought he was going to be okay, and now …. He asks, still deeply disappointed but trying to make an effort, if they have an itinerary planned. Perking up a little, John says they have a big feast planned, walking over to the supplies. “A Last Supper?” Rodney asks sarcastically. “Well, it suits your messiah complex,” John quips, a point which McKay concedes.

Jeannie asks him not to be mad. “I guess if I had to choose the people I would spend my last day with, then …” he trails off, no trace of anger left. He looks to Keller, who is investigating the column. Following his gaze, Jeannie gives a little jump of surprise. (Okay, maybe he didn’t tell her …) After a moment, Rodney frowns, asking Keller what’s up. She wonders why it worked, pointing out that he doesn’t believe in magical shrines any more than she does. (It’s about frelling time she investigated!!) Jeannie tells her to show Rodney the readings. He and Jeannie toss possibilities back and forth, but in the end, they still have no idea what it is — it’s something they’ve never seen before. Rodney gets excited at a power spike. Ronon interrupts, trying to get him to join his party and have fun. (Geez, Ronon, he’s trying to save his life; leave him be! Ah, well, at least it sounds like you aren’t upset at him for being ungrateful now.) “Hey! For me, this is fun,” Rodney points out, telling the others to save him some ham. (*Snicker*) Keller then interrupts his study, grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the immediate area of the column, saying she needs to find out something. He asks where they’re going. “Hopefully all the way back to Atlantis,” she replies, but it’s not to be; he starts to scream in pain, doubling over again. John runs out (*squeeee*) and helps Rodney back.

Keller apologises, and a horrified Jeannie asks why she did it. (Heh, if Rodney and Keller get serious enough, I wonder how well those two would get along as sister-in-laws ….) Rodney whimpers and moans in pain as Keller explains what she’s thinking. (And John still holds him the whole while! More *squeeeee*!) Keller had to determine if the parasite would expand rapidly back into Rodney’s brain if it were far away from the radiation — it shrank away from the source in an effort to protect itself, thus making his symptoms disappear. John asks what that means for them; Keller says if they take Rodney away from the stone, it will kill him, so they can’t bring him back to Atlantis to operate — they’ll have to do it there.

Coming back from a commercials break, we see the waterfall interstitial, to denote a passage of time — probably just a minute or two. (Hey, they didn’t start this act with another video-log entry! Bummer!) Sheppard takes Keller and Jeannie aside and points out that he thought Keller had tried radiation already. (They sort of already addressed this, but I’m glad it’s being spelled out. “Exposition-Prompt Boy” strikes again!) Keller reiterates that this is a kind of radiation she’s never come across before. She says the parasite is sensitive too it, retracting so that the patient feels normal for a while, until the radiation makes the patient sick and drives them away. Jeannie adds that the further you move from the pillar, the more rapidly the parasite expands again. “And your day’s over, I get it,” John says, asking if the parasite is small enough there to operate on. Keller thinks it is, but needs equipment she doesn’t have. John won’t allow her to radio for it, pointing out that the Wraith wouldn’t fall for the same trick twice and could pick up their radio signal. She points out that if they don’t do something, Rodney’s dead. John falls silent a moment as that sinks in. (Oh, the look on his face! HB!) He asks what she needs, getting her to cut her requirements down to the bare-minimum: a scanner to determine where the parasite is and a way to cut Rodney’s head open. (Obviously necessary, but the idea makes me queasy — and John’s not looking to happy about the idea either ….) John says he has an idea, and orders Jeannie to keep Rodney as far from the pillar as he can stand while they’re gone, saying they’ll be back in twenty minutes. (Aha, so they did take the ‘jumper most of the way!)

John leads Keller to the ‘jumper and digs out a drill and a hammer. She blanches at the idea of using them, but he insists that the drill isn’t much different from a surgical drill. She points out the lack of the scanner; he shows her the LSD. She insists that it doesn’t work the way she needs it to, but he figures Jeannie can modify it. Now Keller insist that even if she can operate with these tools, the radiation is already compromising his immune system, and working in the damp cave will surely give him an infection that will kill him. (I imagine the anti-Keller contingent is complaining about her whining here, but I can see Carson reacting in exactly the same way, insisting on ideal conditions and mortified at the notion of performing major surgery outside of the infirmary.) John reminds her that she herself said Rodney would die for sure if she doesn’t operate.

When they return, Rodney’s horrified at the plan. Ignoring Jeanie’s reminder that to save his life, he grabs the drill and tells Sheppard that his brain is not a new deck on the back of the man’s house. (*Snort*) John points out that he’s not the one doing the surgery. Rodney turns to Keller, telling her that she needs to not let the others talk her into doing stupid things. (*Snicker*) Keller says she can do it. “Really?” he asks, suddenly hopeful. Jeannie chimes in that she’s fairly sure she can modify the LSD. “Yeah, with my help,” he says somewhat disparagingly. “So help,” she says. Turning back to Keller, Rodney asks if this isn’t going to be like a PBS surgery where his “skull is wide open” and they’re “having a conversation.” (*Shudder*) She assures him that she has plenty of anaesthetic. “Yeah, it’s probably a hammer,” he mutters. (*Snort* Well, John did find one in the ‘jumper …) Teyla reminds him that he has to decide soon, Jeannie begging him to let them try. Rodney says he would obviously get around to consenting, it’s just that they’ve thrown a lot on him all at once. “That’s life,” Ronon tells him. (Gotta love Ronon’s simple, direct wisdom!) Sighing, Rodney tells them to let him have a little ham; No, John says, reaching over and patting his shoulder (*squee*) as he elaborates, “No food before surgery.” (*Snicker* Poor Rodney!)

Another video-log. Rodney’s even further gone in this one than he was in the first one. He tells Jeannie goodbye, apologising for being mean to her. Waving awkwardly, like a child, he says goodbye to Teyla, and to Ronon Dex. (Interesting that he insists on using Ronon’s last name too. I wonder what that signifies — does he feel he can’t really be close to Ronon, or is that just a sign of admiration and respect?) He says goodbye to John. (HB!) He grows sad and, looking at Keller, he says goodbye sadly, a tear in his eye. (Also HB! Really appropriate timing, of course, having this goodbye footage just before potentially lethal surgery!)

We see Keller prep an unconscious Rodney, explaining where she’s going to cut while John holds gauze around the area for the incision, telling him that he’s going to have to hold Rodney’s head very still. (Ooooh, that’s got to be a super-scary prospect!) Looking away, John tells her to do it, wincing as she cuts while Ronon and Jeannie look on. We see Keller using forceps to … you know what, it grossed me out to watch; I’ll spare that detail. Keller gets ready to drill; looking queasy, John glances at Jeannie. Keller starts, and Jeannie has to turn away. (I bet John’s wishing he could, too!) Jeannie glances at her watch, fretting to Teyla that she took too long with the LSD and didn’t leave Keller enough time to work before his immune system is compromised. (It’s not like they know a specific time that would happen, though!) Ro9dney starts to convulse; Keller thinks she’s drilled too far, and tells John to hold him steady. Still looking away, John says he’s trying. We see a close-up of the LSD resting on Rodney’s chest (but I can’t hide nor hair of what’s on it). Keller realises that the parasite is moving; John suggests it knows they’re after it. Keller has a different theory: it wasn’t to get away from the radiation, and the hole has shown it the way out. Glancing at the LSD, Keller tells Ronon that they’ll need his gun in about ten seconds. Sure enough, we see a little octopus-like critter slither out of the hole in Rodney’s head. (*Shudder* You’d think I’d be used to it with the Goa’uld — which really, given their size, is a way worse candidate for invading your body — but the idea of something drawling round a brain gives me the heebie-jeebies! Anyway, I think we saw one of its cousins floating in the glacial water ….) Keller grabs it with the forceps and tosses it hard at the ground, where Ronon blasts it. “You coulda stepped on it,” John remarks. (And they could have saved it for study, too, maybe found a better way to deal with it so others wouldn’t have to come to the shrine!) Scowling, Ronon reminds him that Keller told him to shoot it. Looking at the LSD, Keller announces that the scan is clear. Ronon tells her good job; she smiles and tells him, “You too.” (Well, at the very least, they’ve buried the hatchet over the disagreement about taking Rodney to the shrine in the first place. And perhaps this is a hint of Ronon/Keller again?)

Back in Atlantis, Rodney sleeps in the infirmary while his sister keeps watch in a chair next to his bed. Keller comes up, suggesting Jeannie get some sleep, saying she’s going to be there all night herself. Jeannie wants to stay, though, and be there when Rodney wakes up. Nodding, Keller warns that it may be a while, saying, “He loves to sleep, our Rodney.” (Heh, interesting use of the possessive — does she mean he belongs to Atlantis in general, or herself and Jeannie in particular?) “You should have seen him when he was a teenager,” Jeannie quips. “Who can sleep with all the talking?” Rodney mutters, stirring. (*Snicker*) Exchanging greetings with him, Jeannie asks hesitantly if he’s still “all there”. After a moment, he replies flippantly that there was “so much to spare.” He then thanks Keller, earnestly; she tells him, “You’re welcome.” (I wonder if having the parasite will have taught him how to behave a little better, now that he’s not under the stress he was under in the cave ….) He confesses, a little vulnerable, that it was scary (awww); she says for her, too. After an awkward moment. she asks if he’s hungry. “Peckish?” he replies playfully, getting a laugh from both women. Keller leaves to order him something, and Jeannie adjusts his blanket. (Awww. I like this role-reversal — last time, she was the one in the hospital bed. I lament the lack of the team in this scene, but it’s understandable.)

We see the video-log that Jeannie had interrupted before, earlier in the episode. The message we didn’t get to see him finish was him confessing that he loved her — and had for some time now. Watching Keller smiles a bit bashfully.

I’m still not 100% swayed. I probably never will be, despite how McShep will never actually happen to the degree I’d like in the show, but it’s not just that: part pof it is because I still find the idea of Ronon/Keller appealing, as well. But I’m certainly not opposed to Rodney/Keller either, and it’s moments like this illustrate exactly what I do find appealing about the pairing. We see a side of him with Keller that we never really saw before, an earnestness. He’s not trying to be nicer; when he is, he genuinely is, and yet he still can snap at her. He isn’t simply crushing on Keller like he did with Sam, nor seeing her as something he should want, like Katie; I dare say he’s genuinely in love, although how deeply is questionable. (I think his relationship with John is deeper, even outside of a slashy context, hence his turning to John for comfort continuously.)

Also, I don’t think that Keller is quite there at “love” herself — I don’t think she’s been watching that scene over and over like some have suggested, I think she just found it paused in her lab from when Jeannie interrupted her, and decided to re-watch it because it was handy and made her feel kinda nice. But I do think she cares about him as a dear friend, and that she’s getting interested in him. And as I’ve said before, I like the notion of them being together because of how it develops his own character. But I still see it as just an emotional connection, and don’t really find it believable on a physical level — not like her with Ronon.

Then again, for Rodney? It being just an emotional or intellectual attraction seems to suit him. Not to mention that Ronon and Keller don’t quite seem to have that kind of connection, the intellectual one, themselves. Anyway, I suppose being about 75% swayed is enough for me to enjoy Rodney/Jennifer on one level, even if it also makes me squirm on another level. And I’m really curious now as to whether Rodney remembers confessing his feelings to her ….

But McShep is still my reason to watch. And I will certainly be watching this one — that one sequence in particular — many more times down the road. *Cough*

Now, I can’t end this column without sharing a few thoughts on the cancellation. I’m sure many of you will find echoes of your own situation, your own reaction, here, but I’m going to preach to the choir anyway, because it’ll make me feel better, and hopefully will make you feel better too — a burdened shared being a burdened lessened and all that ….

The news has certainly put a damper on a few ‘Gate-related conventions going on around this date, including Dragon*Con, which is my one big hurrah every year. It doesn’t seem that it will be so “hurrah”-filled now, though, ey? Honestly, for many of us, it has felt like all the dark aspects of Fate were converging. Don S Davis passed — he was supposed to be at Dragon, so many of us feel an extra sting in that we were looking forward to meeting him finally, and of course the rest of the fandom feels his loss keenly as well. Also, Hewlett’s board had been recently hacked, redirecting visitors who came for the message board to a viral site; David had to take his forum down, for fear that the hackers might try again and harm his fan’s computers. He had to take the comment option down from his blog as well, as it was doing all sorts of weird stuff, like posting our posts under other people’s names. So we Squirrels, his fans, have already been feeling a sense of loss over his site. (We have managed to set up camp elsewhere, at least.)

Now, as I mentioned last column, this episode fell on the day after my birthday, so I was seeing as a slightly belated birthday present. But then The Powers that Be had to go and announce the cancellation the night before my birthday! IO know, I know, the news had to arrive on *some*body’s birthday, but SG-1’s cancellation had been announced on the day already, two years ago. So twice now, they’ve spoiled my special day! (At least last time, I’d gotten to enjoy the bulk of the day first.)

Thankfully, a dear Squirrel friend, Trish/Whovian, and her family, spent the day with me — otherwise, I would have had to spend the day alone (which would have been a bummer even without the news). Trish has been a great help to me in the recent past, as well (basically saved my bunny’s life by getting me to the vet with her when I had no other means), and the Squirrels at large were a great support group for me last year, when I hade some serious medical issues (diabetes and cancer). I have to be extremely grateful to Stargate and David Hewlett for giving me the opportunity to make such wonderful friends who have had such a gigantic, positive influence in my life! When the news broke, I spent a few hours in chat with a number of Squirrels, and it helped a lot. (I’m not ashamed to admit I was Niagara falls that night, and have felt like I’m in mourning since.)

Why, oh why, Brad Wright, did you have to cast such a very depressing pall on this brilliant episode with news of such an awful decision on your part? (You can find more that I have to say to Wright and the executives responsible for this decision here.)

Well, I’ll see some of you next week, at Dragon*Con; I’ll be at the “Star Gate Offworld Fandom Track” a fair bit. On Friday, I’m on the writing panel at 4 pm and will have art on display at the Open House after the Megapanel; I’ll be in the parade with the Stargate contingent on Saturday morning; and I will be hosting the custom MLP (My Little Pony) panel Sunday morning at 11:30 am. (All times subject to change.) Don’t forget that there will be MLPs signed (and in some cases decorated by) Stargate celebs at the Don S Davis Memorial Auction on Sunday! (More details here!)

See the rest of you in two weeks, for “Whispers”!

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Wolfen Moondaughter is on the editorial board for the comics industry webzine Sequential Tart, for which she has written since late 2001. She’s an artist, too, having done spot illustrations for Dragonlance, among other things. In her spare time, she’s a rabid fanficcer/fanartist. See more of her work at her site, Wolfen’s Webworld.