“The first boy I ever kissed ended up in a coma for three weeks.” - Rogue

with Professor of Fangeekonomics, Ms. Melissa Voelker

Reference Material for today’s class:
Red Sonja – starring Brigitte Neilson

Now that the first season of Xena: Warrior Princess is concluded, let’s take a break from the normal routine before moving on to Warrior Princess 201.  Xena may have become one of the most popular and well-known warrior women in entertainment history, but she wasn’t exactly the first to appear on the small (or big) screen. There were other women warriors who came along first, using their sword skills, big boobs, big hair, and leather bikinis to fight against injustice and right the wrongs of corrupt barbarian governments (well, sometimes.)  So for the next few weeks, class, we will take a closer look at some of the original ‘warrior princesses,’ and discuss how their existence made it possible for Xena to exist as well.

First up, Red Sonja, the fiery haired (and tempered) warrior lass who took on an evil queen and the heart of a barbarian king.  She was tall, wiry, and good with a sword.  Beginning her life in comic books, eventually Sonja made her way to the big screen where Brigitte Neilson played her with all the camptastic finesse she could muster.

A summary of today’s reference material:
When her family is slaughtered by evil Queen Gedren (who is played by Sandahl Bergman - Valeria in Conan: The Barbarian…just a quick nerd fact for you), Sonja receives a visit from some kind of goddess/fairy/sorceress type being that bestows great fighting ability upon her.  So after learning to use that fighting ability by training with some Asian looking dudes (who have set up shop in the middle of barbarian country because of why now?), Red Sonja sets out to avenge her family, as well as prove that it is possible to fight evil and look good (relatively – what IS up with that red mullet thing on her head?) while doing it.

Before she even starts out on her grand women’s empowerment adventure, however, her last remaining sibling – a priestess with a very coincidental connection to something Queen Gedren desperately wants – is attacked over a giant bouncy ball and flees into the arms of Conan.  Wait, it isn’t Conan (though it IS Arnold Schwarzenegger); he is wearing too many articles of clothing to be the barbarian dude.  Instead he insists his name is Kalidor, and he takes Red Sonja to her sister’s side so the sister can die after making Sonja swear to get the mystical Bouncy Ball back.  There is some fabulously bad dialogue shared between Sonja and Kalidor, after she brushes off his offer for help and decides to take on Gedren and her priestess slaying brigade by herself.

So off Sonja goes and soon finds herself fighting for love and justice and – oh wait, wrong heroine.  Mainly she fights for women’s rights and to show how easy it is to knock men down off their high thrones.  She kills a ruffian with a super bushy beard who belittles her in front of his dirty thug posse.  And never one to pass up the opportunity to show anyone with a penis that she is better than them, she saves a young king named Tarn whose kingdom was demolished by the magic Bouncy Ball.  He is less than grateful and she won’t put up with his whining.  I can smell some lesson teaching about to happen here.

Once Sonja’s merry band of misfit toys has joined together, they travel in search of Queen Gedren.  She isn’t terribly hard to find, as her use of the Bouncy Ball is making a mess of her kingdom and causing all kinds of funky weather.  This isn’t totally by accident, though.  Gedren has taken a pervy shine to Sonja and wants to make sure the fiery warrioress is driven straight into the Queen’s evil arms.  She uses Bouncy Ball magic to force Sonja and friends into a cave where they will surely meet their untimely doom.  But luckily for them all, Conan – whoops, I mean Kalidor – shows up in the nick of time to save the day.  While Tarn and his manservant Faulkon seem impressed by Kalidor’s showing of manly strength, Sonja is less than pleased with him butting into her mission.  At least she pretends to not be pleased, when really she is lusting after him in all kinds of ways and proves it by battling it out with him (as she has sworn to never be with a man who has not defeated her in battle.  Yeah, she is a little nutso fanatical on the man-hating front.)

After Sonja and Kalidor exhaust themselves during sexy battle, they decide they will have to put off the flirting and destroy the bad guy before deciding how much further to pursue their budding relationship.  Off they go to Gedren’s castle to take the pervy queen down.  But first Tarn must kill one of Gedren’s flunkies (WHO happens to be the guy who was the melty face Nazi in “Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  There are a lot of nerd connections to be made here) and prove that he is basically a man (even if he is only like, what, 11?)  Sonja fights her way to Gedren and then has to fight her way passed a pervy magician (everyone in this castle is just a big old pervert.)

The time comes when it is just Sonja and Gedren facing off in a chamber with the very unstable Bouncy Ball.  Because she is obviously losing to the red-haired wonder woman, Gedren tries to reason with her.  She offers Sonja wealth, power, and a special spot as the evil queen’s lap dog.  Sonja, not surprisingly, poo-poos the offer.  Gedren goes down, the Bouncy Ball goes down, and then the whole castle goes down.  Sonja and crew manage to escape before becoming flatted chunks of campy movie flesh, which gives her and Kalidor a chance to fall into each other’s violent embraces.

Discussion from today’s reference material:
So just how does Red Sonja compare to her slightly better dressed and definitely better coiffed counterpart, Xena?  They both fought dirty ruffians.  They both dabbled in some lesbian action.  And they both hung out with guys named Hercules (well technically Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn’t Hercules in the Red Sonja movie, but he WAS Hercules in the film Hercules in New York, so ha!)  But where Sonja seemed determined to take herself way too seriously, Xena certainly had more fun in her role as a sexy, strong, warrior woman.

Extra Credit Homework Assignment – Who are some of the other warrior women that Xena was based on?  And how do they compare to her and each other?

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About Melissa: By day a mild-mannered tv station receptionist, by night a fighter of crime and corruption in the dirty streets of Spokane, WA . . . or maybe not so much. More like a hyperactive, anal-retentive daytime receptionist and a melodramatic, hyperactive nighttime fangirl who only wishes she could be a fighter of crime and champion of justice (except that would lead to getting my super costume all dirty and I hate doing laundry.) Though my intent has always been to write bestselling novels and live a life of wealth and luxury, putting my talents for snarkiness and word doodling together while letting my geek flag fly suits me just fine - for now.