By Lisa Fary
Bigfoot will be at the Cabana Hotel in Palo Alto, CA this Friday. But, he won’t be drinking fruity umbrella drinks by the pool and sexually harassing the cabana boy because he’s dead. Georgia hunters killed him.
OK, Bigfoot was already dead when the hunters found him in northern Georgia, but they did stuff him in a freezer for two weeks. They say there were several other living Bigfoots (would the plural of “Bigfoot” be “Bigfeet”?) walking around in the same area; however, the hunters won’t reveal the location for Bigfoot conservation purposes.
The hunters, Matthew Whitton and RIck Dyer, along with professional Bigfoot fanboy/stalker, Tom Biscardi, will present photos and DNA evidence at a press conference tomorrow at the Cabana Hotel.
After the Montauk Monster and the chupacabra sighting in Texas (which was obviously a Xoloitzcuintle or a mangy coyote, not a chupacabra), it was only a matter of minutes before Bigfoot joined the fray.
Although the Bigfoot press conference doesn’t appear to be as shady as the Amazing Peeping Alien press conference that occurred in Denver a couple months ago, it’s still pretty doubtful that this is an actual sasquatch. Northern Georgia, while secluded and speckled with scary Waffle Houses, isn’t exactly uncharted and unpassable. Surely, someone would have found this alleged Bigfoot colony before now.
Also, we’ve reached a point where photos and DNA evidence are no longer enough to prove Bigfoot’s existence. We’ve been seeing photo evidence for years, and yet it’s never been enough to definitively prove or disprove it. Besides, anyone can doctor photos and falsify DNA test results. If these guys really have a Bigfoot corpse in their freezer, actually allowing journalists at the press conference to view the body would go a long way toward bringing Bigfoot into real life.
Sorry, guys. No body, no proof, no Bigfoot.
Further reading:
The Amateur Scientist vs. Bigfoot
The Amateur Scientist vs. The Montauk Monster
The Amateur Scientist vs. Chupacabras
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Lisa Fary’s early exposure to classic Battlestar Galactica in 1979 is largely responsible for her lifelong interest in science fiction and her childhood ambition of being an intergalactic space cowgirl. She thinks diagramming sentences is a fun alternative to Sudoku.
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
