“At ease, Ensign, before you sprain something” - Janeway

By Sabrina Boyer
I think I need to start this off by saying that this is one of my most favorite quotable episodes…ever. How can you not love this episode when Giles begins with something ominous and paranormal like helping Buffy study for the SATs? “It’s a rite of passage, Buffy,” says Giles. “Is it too late to join a tribe where they pierce something or cut something off?” All systems tend toward chaos, and the SATs and the mayor are no different. Mr. Trick is now working for the mayor, and some kind of outsourcing is happening which will supposedly turn Sunnydale upside down. Is it ever sunny side up?

As Buffy discusses her scary SAT dream where an inappropriately filled answer bubble chases after her screaming ‘none of the above,’ the gang is shocked when they learn that Cordy is good at standardized tests. “What, I can’t have layers?” So, the gang is prepping for not only SATs, but their upcoming adulthood; meanwhile, the band is selling candy, and everyone has to sell it. They go all Willy Loman, and Buffy talks Joyce into buying twenty of the bars and Giles into the other twenty. She plays them against each other while she’s sneaking off to visit Angel; she catches him doing Tai Chi (where he is all sweaty and shirtless) to build his strength. Cue the awkward turtle as Buffy and Angel attempt to be around each other without blood, death, gore, love. When Buffy arrives home, she finds Joyce and Giles waiting for her at home, and she gets a good ruffling while the “parents” down a bunch of Chocorifiic band candy. Oh, and Giles says “freak out.” Wha..?  And then finally, we learn that Ripper’s old nemesis is back: Ethan Rayne.

The gang hangs in study hall waiting for Giles, who is late (isn’t he allergic to late?) while Xan and Will play footsie underneath the chemistry table. The adults begin acting weird as they whine, say things like “it’s not fair!” and “pretend like you’re reading something.” Buffy worries over Giles and goes by his apartment to check on him and finds Joyce there; apparently they’re talking about how to handle Buffy’s schedule. The weird of the weird is Joyce giving Buffy the keys to her car and after she’s gone, ‘ole Ripper lights up a ciggie and Joyce opens a bottle of alcohol. Oh, and ps, Buffy + cars equals unmixy things. Joyce and Ripper chill out at his pad, listening to his albums and acting all teenagey. I love them as teens and would totally hang out with them. (Who am I kidding? I’d hang out with anyone from the show! At any age! Well, maybe not babies…)

Buffy and Willow see all their teachers and adults hanging out at the Bronze, all wasted and then when things couldn’t get any better, we see Snyder, just the last name, like Barbarino. “I don’t like this; they could have heart attacks!” Will exclaims. “Whoa!” Snyder sighs. “There are some foxy ladies here tonight!” Are. You. Kidding. ME????? Ha! The gang realizes this is a sobering mirror to look into as the adults act like kids and the kids now have to act like the adults. “You’ve got great hair,” Snyder tells Oz. They’re getting excited about fights, singing “Louie Louie,” and are totally drunk. The Scoobies minus Xan plus Snyder head out to find what’s the what happening with the adults and to find Giles. “Whoa, Summers, you drive like a spaz!” Who doesn’t love Snyder in this episode? He’s totally redeemed.

Buffy realizes her mom might be in danger with Giles since he, at sweet sixteen, is a kind of hates-the world-bad-magic kind of guy; he’s stealing her Juice Newtonesque jackets, hitting cops, and then making out with Joyce on top of a cop car. “You’re so cool. You’re like Burt Reynolds,” Joyce breathes. After Buffy gets her mom’s car hit, Buffy realizes that everybody’s wandering around; the soup’s on but nobody’s eating. There are no vampires anywhere even though there are vulnerable people all around. It’s the band candy. It’s gotta be.

And then, Joyce and Giles are making out and Buffy sees this; she gets into the warehouse where the candy is, and tries to watch out for her teen-like mom while Nancy Drewin’; she spots Rayne. So does Giles. They run after him and Snyder hits on Joyce. Ew. Buffy interrogates Rayne, and finds out that the candy is a distraction so that the mayor can pick up and deliver the tribute. Which is, ironically, newborn babies. And then, the classic scene, Buffy needs something to tie up Ethan with, and Joyce hands her handcuffs. So what exactly did she and Giles do on that police car? Hmmmmmm?

Buffy meets the mayor and his lackies in the sewers, saves the babies from some phallic-like snake demon (government = phallic for sure) and the adults finally grow up. The gang is forced by old Snyder to clean off the graffiti on the lockers; “Kiss rocks? Why would anybody want to kiss…oh, I get it,” Willow says. Buffy laments her SAT taking, which sounds a lot like battling vampires. Not before, however, there is definitely some awkwardness between Joyce and Giles. Oh yeah.

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About Sabrina Boyer: As a kid my dad would sneak scary movies past my mom and let me indulge in his horror movie fetish. I grew up watching V, Alien Nation, The Thing, The Fog (all originals) and then, in 1992 when Buffy the movie came out, I became obsessed with vampires, girl power, and all things gothic. I once stayed home from school, faked sick, and watched BTVS: the movie 6 times in a row. I know the beginning cheerleading dance by heart (still). Currently, I’m obsessing over Laurell K. Hamilton novels, and dream about Anita Blake being my best friend.