Heroes Webisode: Going Postal

By TrinityVixen

After ending an anticlimactic season early last year, Heroes is looking to win back its fans for its third season. Pardon me: volume. The third volume, titled “Villains,” looks to be bringing back all the heavies and reliable standbys for menace that floated in the background last volume. (Plus a few extras!) Expect more Company shenanigans, more Mama Petrelli, and, of course, more Sylar. (Yes please!)

Because Mama P and Sylar are both full characters in their own right with their own stories (OR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ::coughcoughMayacough::), they are not at liberty to be mucked up by online content. The Company, however, being a large, Janus-faced corporation, can abuse and be abused at random and with no apparent consequence to the narrative of the show. And here we are with the first webisode arc, “Going Postal”

Chapter 1: “A Nifty Trick.”

Already, we have problems. I haven’t even gotten past the comic book lettering! “A Nifty Trick”? The last person I remember saying the word “nifty” was probably Willow Rosenberg. It seems like the cutesy-ism she’d pluck out of nowhere and attach absolutely no qualifier to whatsoever. If you are the nifty party, you know who you are.

And nobody says “Nifty trick.” They say “Neat trick.” It’s one of those shorthand phrases we keep at the back of our brains when we don’t want to overcommit on our enthusiasm for how wonderful, awesome, or just plain odd someone’s practiced talent is. (Or superpower as the case may be.) Watch the man who eventually says the words. Watch how he struggles to make that sound anything but awkward and creepy. With all the awkward and creepy overtones already inherent in the scene (I’ll get to that), it seems unnecessary to add to that.

Moving on to the actual story: heavy breathing! Lest anyone get too excited, it’s from running. Our protagonist, Echo DeMille (Echo, GET IT? YOU WILL), is sprinting flat-out in the most uncomfortable pair of shoes for this activity. We can tell by his polyester blue-on-blue uniform and messenger bag that he is a postman. (Do they really not let them wear sneakers? Even on route?) What is not immediately obvious is that a Doberman is in pursuit, chasing him straight down an alley and into a dead end. Perhaps Mr. DeMille’s superpower is speed because otherwise there’s no way he’d outrun a Doberman unless he had a mile-long head start. As this is only the latest of several improbabilities to affect the Heroes universe, we’ll just push on.

Trapped, DeMille tries to reason with the dog. He appeals the Dobie’s literary sensibilities and begs it not to turn both their lives into a cliché. When that, predictably, doesn’t wipe the snarl off the dog’s face, DeMille gives in and shouts at it. Superly. DeMille’s voice amplifies, goes sonic and all but pushes the dog backwards with its force. Chastised, the Dobie, whose widdle ears are probably sore, poor thing, whines and scampers off.

“Next time, don’t mess with the mailman. That’s right!” DeMille crows, throwing his shoulders forward like a tough. (I’d like to request that the writers somehow get less…less white about how they write black characters, please and thank you.) He goes to retrieve his mailbag.

Here comes the line: “That’s a nifty little trick you’ve got there.” (Sigh.)

DeMille looks up from the dirt to see a man in a suit and a man who was thrown out of West Side Story. Or a gay dance club. Whatever, their outfits are incongruous, is the point. The man who spoke is in the suit; the guy in the black wife beater juts his head around like Derek Zoolander and twitches. THIS IS A CLUE.

“My…associate and I have been looking for you, Mr. DeMille.”

He is a mailman. He has a route. True, it got diverted by an act of dog, but he’s still not a hard guy to find if you’ve half a brain. Then again, this is the Company we’re talking about. They thought keeping Sylar alive was a good idea. (Twice.) Never forget that.

When DeMille asks how the suit knows his name, the suit tells him, “We work for a company that…helps people like you.” I’ve used those ellipses twice now to indicate the PORTENTOUS PAUSES that are the suit’s tell when he’s not being entirely forthcoming.

We need to stop right here for a mo. DeMille is, as I’ve mentioned, black. The suit is white. I’d like to know who gave a pass to the suit’s uncomfortable pauses and use of the phrase “people like you” when addressing a black man. There’s colorblindness, yay, and colorblindness, what the F? Which do you suppose this scene comes off as? Two white guys accost a black guy in an alley with proof that they’ve been stalking him. Yeah, I’m going to say “what the F” to this one.

The suit tells DeMille that he’s special and that they are going to help him learn how to use his ability. PS: he just used it after restraining himself for some time in hopes of not having to, and he checked his immediate surroundings to be sure no one else was around when he did. Methinks DeMille has got a handle on what he can do and when he can do it just fine.

DeMille goes to give them a brush off, and the pasty white dude pounces on him, catching him in a chokehold and twisting. He is a Constrictor (so spaketh the suit). I assume this explains his twitching and sinusoidal muscle contractions, what with constriction being most commonly associated with snakes. Slight problem of biology and/or physics here: constriction “works” (aka is life-threatening) not because it contains movement but because it squeezes air out of the lungs and prevents new air from entering. (As the trapped animal breathes out, the constrictor snake will squeeze a little tighter so the lungs cannot re-inflate. Constriction kills by asphyxiation, not crushing. No more zoology lectures–for the rest of this review at least.)

As ever, Heroes goes “Bah humbug!” to the physical sciences, and DeMille is free to use his piercing scream despite the Constrictor’s efforts. The suit is bowled over, bleeding from the ears. The Constrictor falls away, but he was behind the blast and seems to have let go from being startled more than pushed. The suit goes for a gun, and DeMille gives him another blast. (He actually goes, “Raaarrr!” which is adorable and not a little bit ridiculous.) The suit slumps, eyes vacant. DeMille runs off.

The Constrictor side-winds his way over to his cohort, grabs the gun and fires twice. DeMille ducks and keeps running with no sign of having been shot. Notably, the Constrictor does not keep firing. His degree of concentration and focus belies the freakish, animalistic behavior from before. DeMille is gone; he lowers the weapon and refocuses on the task at hand. (Remember how the suit paused when addressing him? This is why. What is he at the Company? Where in the hierarchy do they slot the super agents?)

The Constrictor goes for his cell phone. Right before his call gets picked up on the other end, he puts one bullet into the suit’s head. The suit jerks and lies still.

In a bored, slow voice, the Constrictor reports in. “Bob, Howard’s dead. It’s worse than we thought.”

Now we have the questions that the webisodes will aim at answering. Who is Bob? For that matter, who’s “we”? Why is this “worse”? Because Howard (the suit) screwed up and now DeMille knows who they are? Or is it worse because DeMille already knows how to use his ability, meaning he might not be as slavishly grateful to receive Company help? Tune in next week!

Orders come over the phone that we cannot hear. The Constrictor nods. “Okay.” He hangs up and looks at his phone. There is a picture of DeMille kissing a girl. I was confused as to how he got DeMille’s phone until I realized it was probably the picture they were using as a reference when looking for him. It’s still a lazy way to go about things—suppose someone (like the police?) found their phone and wanted to know what was going on with a photo of DeMille being some albino’s wallpaper? (Hide it in “My Pics,” Constricty-dude!)

The Constrictor considers the photo, the girl in it. “It’s a shame. She’s so pretty.” This girl is important to DeMille and now she is in trouble. The Constrictor walks off on bowed legs in the direction DeMille ran, leaving Howard’s body behind. Cut to the Heroes eclipse logo. End of Chapter 1.

Going Postal Chapter 1: “A Nifty Trick” can be viewed at http://www.nbc.com/Heroes/Webisodes.

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About TrinityVixen: There’s an asterisk on TrinityVixen’scollege transcript that assures anyone who reads it that, though there is no specific major, degree, or certificate for it, she did, in fact, complete some kind of creative writing program as an undergrad. Armed with that symbol of irrelevant experience, she has polluted the internet with her opinions and horrible fanworks ever since (and for quite a long while before). Living poor in New York until she finds a means to become independently wealthy, she must subsist on the juicy meat of fandom. Fandom and noodles. And instant soup.

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