Warrior Princess 101 – Lesson 26: Bring on the Arch-Nemesis

with Professor of Fangeekonomics, Ms. Melissa Voelker

Reference Materials for today’s class:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Episode 1.22 – Callisto

Today, class, we will have our first experience with Xena’s main nemesis (at least for a few seasons), Callisto. Yes it is time finally to meet the crazy blonde who expended so much effort trying to break down Xena’s defenses and bring out her naughty side once again. And I will tell you up front, class of mine, that I do not like Callisto, and have never liked Callisto, so my summary of the reference material may be just a little harsh.

A summary of today’s reference material:
A village is attacked and women and children are slaughtered in the streets. The band of ruffians who are doing the attacking seem to be led by a skinny blonde who looks a little crazy. She allows one old woman to survive, in order to spread the word that all villages that oppose her will fall. Then she gives her name as Xena, Warrior Princess, which we all know is a big fat crazy person lie. Unfortunately not everyone knows this, as the real Xena learns shortly afterward when meeting a depressed man named Melas in a bar. When she introduces herself he attacks her, after accusing her of killing his son and wiping out his village. Real Xena figures out that someone is using her good name to do bad, bad things. She maintains her innocence and then sets out to find the person responsible for the smear campaign against her.

As Real Xena and Gabrielle head out to solve the Mystery of the Missing…oh wait, wrong story. Anyways, as they head out to find the person who is really responsible for the death of Melas’ son, they are accosted by an idiot who longs to be a warrior, JOXER THE MIGHTY! He wants to join up with Real Xena but she doesn’t take him up on his offer (probably because he is kind of a clown, but we love him anyway). Once the girls have started out on their mystery-solving mission again, Real Xena is attacked by Melas a second time. Gabby tries to talk sense into the man but he is not willing to listen.

Real Xena and Gabrielle come to a village that is under attack by ruffians and the warrior woman rides in to save the day. Fighting ensues, until the crazy blonde Fake Xena interferes. Now girl fighting ensues. As they fight the ladies manage to do some chatting, and it turns out Fake Xena was the one that shot Real Xena with the poison dart in the last episode (wow, that makes two mysteries solved in just the last few minutes! Xena is better than Nancy Drew!) Then the crazy blonde blames Real Xena for creating her, and reminds her of Cirra (whatever that means). After that she escapes, since the Cirra business seems to have thrown the warrior off her guard. She has to put the Pinch on a ruffian to get better details about the blonde nut job. Turns out the girl’s name is Callisto and her family was killed at Cirra when Xena’s army conquered it. Now she wants to kill Xena’s hero reputation, followed by Xena’s hero life. Right after this admission comes out, Melas shows up (again! this guy is like a bacterial infection or something) and tells Xena he apologizes for being an ass and attacking her because he knows the truth now about Callisto killing his son. He wants to join up with Xena to ride after Crazy-listo, whether the warrior princess wants him to or not.

At her tree house hideaway (totally one of the coolest evil villain hide outs ever), Crazy-listo practices fighting against her band of merry ruffians. Joxer (THE MIGHTY!) shows up to offer her his services, still set on proving himself as a warrior (though he makes a much better court jester) but she just laughs at him. Then she seems to change her mind and tells him he can join her army if he kidnaps Gabrielle. Gabby, knowing nothing about the heinous plot against her person, tries to bond with Melas (like she’s managed to bond with just about everyone else in this show) but he will have none of it (the guy is a total downer really). So the chatty Amazon goes to have some talk-time with Xena instead. Xena tells her about Cirra, and how the village was burned down basically by accident when a fire broke out while she and her army were attacking it. Women and children died, though normally that was not something Xena condoned. She and Gabby cry a little, and bond a little, and it is a very Awwww! kind of moment.

The next day Xena and the others arrive in a village to protect the Oracle there, which Crazy-listo is supposedly out to kill. While Gabrielle waits outside the temple she is attacked by JOXER (THE MIGHTY!) and promptly kicks his butt. Inside the temple things go well for Xena too, who stops Crazy-listo’s assassination attempt (using Xena’s Chakram no less). Chasing ensues. Xena manages to finally catch her blonde nemesis, who screams and thrashes around like a crazy person but doesn’t put up much of a fight. While leading her captive back to the village, Xena apologizes for what happened in Crazy-listo’s past. Not surprisingly, Callisto just spits on her apology (and on her, eww). Gabrielle meets up with them to report that Melas has rounded up a lynch mob and they are out for Crazy-listo’s blood. The blonde laughs and talks and talks and talks and is so irritating I would have cut her tongue out at this point but Xena actually starts to relent and almost lets the other woman go free. Callisto just laughs and makes it very obvious what a bad idea that would be, and then starts talking AGAIN. Xena doesn’t look annoyed, just really guilty.

In the village the mob wants to see Callisto dead, but Xena wants her to have a fair trial (um, why is that now?) She takes her prisoner to the jail and guards her against any mob attacks. Crazy-listo continues her irritating ranting and Xena still manages not to sew her lips together with leather strips. JOXER THE MIGHTY tries to capture Gabrielle again, who is waiting outside like a good puppy (sorry, that wasn’t really a fair statement, but why is she always waiting outside when Xena is inside somewhere?) and once again gets his butt handed to him on a plate. Gabby tries to talk some sense into him, while the mob grows frustrated and throws a burning torch into the jail to bar-b-que Crazy-listo. Xena goes to save her (what the heck is she doing?!? ), the blonde escapes, and Xena ends up almost burning to death. As Crazy-listo rides out of the village she captures Gabrielle herself. Xena learns this when she miraculously (or not really) escapes the burning jail cell and Melas apologizes for being such an idiot (I was going to call him something inappropriate, but I will be nice for once.)

Crazy-listo takes Gabby to her tree house lair, and Joxer (THE MIGHTY) shows up moments later to take his place in her army. Since he wasn’t the one that actually kidnapped the Amazon, Callisto tells him the only way he will join her is if he slits Gabby’s throat. Being Joxer (the not so mighty really), and not really bloodthirsty AT ALL, he can’t do it. Luckily Xena arrives to rescue Gabrielle before anyone else tries to kill her, but first fighting between her and Crazy-listo ensues. Much running up ladders and jumping through the tree house later, Xena manages to save her sidekick and defeat Crazy-listo, who now just wants to die. But Xena can’t let that happen. Instead she sees that the blonde and her band of ruffians are all arrested and carted off by the authorities. Something tells me this is not the last time we will see them.

Discussion from today’s reference material:
This is a very dark, very violent episode, which also happens to have more dialogue and depth than many of the episodes leading up to it. It is one of the first real signs of the greatest this show can attain, as it leaves some of its campier elements behind. It is unfortunate that it has to rely on the Callisto character to reach that greatness, but at least she won’t be around again for a little while. Thankfully there is another character that is introduced in this episode that more than makes up for Crazy-listo, JOXER THE MIGHTY! I forgot how much fun I have watching this show every time he pops up (almost as much fun as watching when Ares is around.) He is such a goofball, and such a terrible warrior, and yet you cannot help but love him. He tries so hard, and has so many redeeming qualities, that it more than makes up for how ridiculous he is. It is nice that in an episode as dark and gritty as this one, a little bit of silly sunshine is allowed to shine through.

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About Melissa: By day a mild-mannered tv station receptionist, by night a fighter of crime and corruption in the dirty streets of Spokane, WA . . . or maybe not so much. More like a hyperactive, anal-retentive daytime receptionist and a melodramatic, hyperactive nighttime fangirl who only wishes she could be a fighter of crime and champion of justice (except that would lead to getting my super costume all dirty and I hate doing laundry.) Though my intent has always been to write bestselling novels and live a life of wealth and luxury, putting my talents for snarkiness and word doodling together while letting my geek flag fly suits me just fine – for now.

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