Ask an Amateur Scientist: Vitamins

By Brian Thompson

I. The Setup

If you suffer from chronic insomnia like I do, you’re likely to have seen two things: a drunkard crying into her scrambled eggs at the Waffle House and Don Lapre on television.  Like dozens of others, DonLapre has truly harvested the fruits of the American dream.  For half an hour at a time between 2:30 and 4:45am, he has tried to sell you things that don’t work.  His first gambit involved gesticulating wildly while standing on upper-class surfaces such as beach sand and golf greens while telling you that you can be as rich as he is if only you fork over the three easy payments for his “package”.  According to the dinner theater actors Mr. Lapre hired to talk into the camera, following the advice of his “package” could net you up to $100,000 a month in revenue.  Why was Mr. Lapre selling these secrets, thus increasing his competition and driving him out of a life of carefree luxury?  Because he cares about you.

Unfortunately for Mr. Lapre, the world quickly realized that his “package” was really nothing more than a pamphlet showing you how to place ads in newspapers for 1-900 numbers.  Actually, “showing you how” might be a bit of a stretch.  Don’s “package” just let you know that such a thing might be a good idea.  Turns out psychic hotlines weren’t quite the golden-paved road to success we all dream of, and sales of the “package” deflated.

But what does America love more than money?  Nothing!  However, their health runs a close second.  Just behind public speaking, most of us fear more than anything else the idea that we’ll end up as one of those torso-less lard buckets used to illustrate every obesity story on the nightly news.  Or worse, we’ll die.  Enter the vitamin supplement industry.  Drug companies have been riding the fear train for years now.  Before you drop dead from restless leg syndrome or monkey pox, you’d better ask your doctor about Cyaxisflam.  Assuming your doctor has no idea what medicine might be right for you and defers to your layperson’s medical advice.

But the problem with real medicine is that it’s regulated.  Big government doesn’t want you taking pills that don’t do what they say they can do and/or will kill you.  So how’s a pill maker supposed to turn a profit without the hassle of clinical trials?  Vitamins!  They’re safe, they’re effective, everyone needs them, and (best of all) they aren’t subject to regulation.  That’s just the kind of meal ticket Don Lapre was looking for!  So now when you’re watching Chuck Norris try and strengthen your abs or some elderly man in a track suit telling you not to drink anything that isn’t freshly juiced, you can flip over a channel and catch Mr. Lapre selling his new product, “The Greatest Vitamin in the World”.  The quality ingredients Mr. Lapre uses in every bottle of “The Greatest Vitamin in the World!” should cost you $200.  So why is he selling them for the insanely low price of $40 a pop?  Because he cares about you.

II. The Findings

Let me make this clear.  While Don Lapre is a tweaked out fraud, I’m not saying that his “The Greatest Vitamin in the World!” is any less effective than any other vitamin.  Although just on a manufacturing level, I wouldn’t eat anything made by a man whose only previous experience in the production sector involved licking the stamps he slapped on his “package”.  What I am saying is that no vitamin supplements have been shown to benefit your health unless you have a vitamin deficiency.

All those Flinstones chewables your mom slipped under your PB&J?  For the most part, they were worthless.  Your body can’t function properly without the necessary amounts of essential vitamins, but the majority of people maintain proper vitamin levels through their diet.  Unless you’re eating nothing but Cheez-Its and hot dog buns, you’re probably doing okay.

Many vitamin supplements claim to “boost” your immune system.  This is simply impossible.  Your immune system is either functioning properly or it isn’t.  If you’re healthy, then your immune system is doing just fine.  There is no scientific study that shows pumping yourself full of more vitamins than you need can do anything to prevent illness.  One of the side-effects of the vitamin supplement industry being unregulated is that they can’t make specific claims.  Manufacturers can claim vitamins will perk you up, extend your manhood, get your juices flowing, moisten your muffin, or any other quasi-erotic euphemism they want.  A supplement called “Airborne” was recently taken off the market, however, because it claimed to be able to prevent and cure colds.  It’s a fine line, though.  Any supplement can feature a testimonial from someone who claims the pill made her cancer go away, but the product’s advertising and packaging can’t simply state that it cures cancer.  Those of us with less critical thinking skills than others, however, don’t always know the difference.

III. The Conclusion

For the most part, taking vitamins won’t hurt you.  They just won’t help you either.  Sure, there are millions of people every day who pop a couple of pills and feel like they finally have the energy to get out of bed and slap their bratty kids around.  Considering all the scientific evidence against the effectiveness of vitamin supplements, this is just another example of the placebo effect.  But it also wouldn’t hurt to be careful about what you’re dropping into your maw.  While it’s not possible to boost the beneficial effects of your body’s normal vitamin levels, it is possible to raise those levels into toxic territory.  Overdosing on vitamin C can give you kidney stones.  Mainlining vitamins A, D, and E can result in osteoporosis, nausea, and high cholesterol, respectively. 

But your biggest motivator for putting those vitamin bottles back on the shelf should be a selfish desire not to line the pockets of hucksters like Don Lapre.  Making this stuff is easy, cheap, and highly profitable.  For every company selling chewy little cartoon characters to give parents peace of mind about their kids’ health, there are greasy little trolls who’d just as soon sell you their “package” as a once-a-day capsule of well-being.  Plus, you could use all that vitamin money for something more worthwhile.  Calling my 1-900 number, for instance.

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About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university and a regular blogger at CHUD. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.

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