By Lisa Fary
![To Kill A King [Blu-ray]](http://www.pinkraygun.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/5102z1kibcl_sl160_.jpg)
At one point in In the Name of the King, Ron Perlman and some extras pull up to a foreboding castle. He says, “Is this where we pay for our sins?”
No, Ron. You’re paying for your sins by appearing in this movie.
Where to begin? The Cirque de Soleil rejects led by Kristianna Loken? Ray Liotta’s ascot of doom and whiny delivery? I think the suckage begins and ends with two words: Uwe Boll.
I’d never seen a Uwe Boll film before, but had read about them. I didn’t think it could possibly be as bad as people say online. Surely, the negativity could be the result of fanboyish rage at any change to the original material – fanboys are, after all, notoriously difficult to please.
Holy crap, In the Name of the King was horrible. Uwe Boll’s investors would have been wiser to play the toilet lottery with their money (flush a dollar down the toilet – if it’s a floatie, you win!), but Germany doesn’t provide generous tax shelters for the toilet lottery. They do provide generous tax shelters for investing in German film, which I imagine is the only way Boll can get funding for this toxic slop.
I’m amazed at Boll’s ability to create a movie that is so awful on every level and yet, so pretentious. This guy has a doctorate in literature – you’d think he’d have a clue about story structure, character, and dialogue.
“Wisdom is our hammer, prudence will be our nails.” In the Name of the King is filled with lines like that. It’s like hearing medieval Hallmark cards read out loud, without feeling, by someone who really wants a death scene (not because of the thespian challenge presented, but because it will end the humiliation sooner).
Burt Reynolds is one of the lucky few who get to die. Reynolds puts in a slurry performance and seems to not really know where he is or why he’s wearing armor. Matthew Lillard also gets to die, but not before spitting all over the camera and hollering, “Hip, hip, huzzah!” Leelee Sobieski, who doesn’t get a death scene, goes through the movie looking haunted, as if thinking with every line, “I used to be a promising young actor. . . “ John Rhys-Davies is the only reputable actor in this thing who doesn’t seem humiliated and is actually putting in an effort.
Jason Statham does what he does best: action vogue-ing under the heat of his smoldering scowl. His expression on the cover? Get used to it. That’s his emotional range.
About halfway through, the bad guys start throwing flaming poop (considering this movie itself is flaming poop, does that make it meta?) and the good guys go to “gouge evil from it’s shell.”
Like a turtle. A really evil turtle. A really evil turtle that looks like Ray Liotta and wears an ascot.
I can’t say much about To Kill A King other than that Tim Roth has a prominent wart on his forehead. But, his wart out acted everyone in In the Name of the King. In fact, if it came down to watching In the Name of the King or a close-up of Roth’s wart for two hours, I’d suggest going with the wart.
The winners’ circle so far. . .
![To Kill A King [Blu-ray]](http://www.pinkraygun.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/5102z1kibcl_sl75_.jpg)
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Lisa Fary’s early exposure to classic Battlestar Galactica in 1979 is largely responsible for her lifelong interest in science fiction and her childhood ambition of being an intergalactic space cowgirl. She thinks diagramming sentences is a fun alternative to Sudoku.
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
Yeah, but Jason Statham was a farmer, and his name was Farmer. There's a fine line between inanity and minimalistic genius. Or so my fine art teacher told me before I dropped the class. If only the administration could understand our love.
Anyway, did you know that if you place a picture of Leelee Sobieski next to a picture of Helen Hunt, you have an effective before and after public service ad about crystal meth abuse? It's a fact!
Farmer was also raised by village idiots. I’m guessing they were idiots, considering they couldn’t come up with anything better than “Farmer” to call him. How about “Assface”? That’s catchy.