“I can kill you with my brain.” - River Tam, Firefly

By Lisa Fary

Oh, for god’s sake.

That ending was like me graduating from college in 1998:  tremendous excitement about being done followed by lip-curling disgust and disappointment when the future turned out to be a wasteland.  I was over-educated for lower level jobs and anything above that was filled by a Baby Boomer who wasn’t going anywhere for at least another twenty years.

Some would say that served me right for getting an English degree (I say those people just don’t want me to call them out on there, their and they’re).  But, that’s not the point here.

As the crew celebrated about the end of their long journey, I saw that there was still time left for it all to start sucking.  That wasn’t even the genetic negativity I inherited from my grandma - that’s just knowing the show. BSG is always ready to stomp a boot in the face of any happiness! 

In the old days, the original ragtag fugitive fleet got to Earth to find it infested with high-waisted slacks, Aqua Net and rudimentary technology.  It was livable, but Earth humans couldn’t defend themselves against the Cylons, and thus, less than perfect.  

I didn’t expect re-imagined Earth to be perfect.  I also didn’t expect it to be found until - I don’t know - maybe the end of the series.  What the hell are they going to do now? Are we going to have ten (or twelve) more episodes next year exploring entirely new depths of depression?  Is everyone going to lose their polytheistic religion and flock to Baltar’s one god?  Will the whole thing devolve into a religious crusade where they all kill each other over an effing book?  

Wait. I think I know. 

The fleet will find another clue on Earth indicating that the 13th tribe left their uninhabitable planet in search of a new home.  The fleet will follow more clues across the galaxy, all the way back to Caprica, where the 13th tribe has died of radiation poisoning.  By then, BSG will have been green lighted for another season (because what else does Sci Fi really have? Ghost Hunters and some crappy movies?), so the fleet will set out for a new, new home and they won’t be so freaking picky this time.  

The rest of season four is “coming soon”, if you consider 2009 to be “soon”.  Those last ten (or possibly twelve, now) episodes will no doubt be split into three mini-seasons: five will air next spring, five will air next fall, and the final two-hour series finale will air in the spring of 2010.  

Douchebags. 

OK, I’m done complaining for the moment.  Let’s get to theories.  

What the hell happened on Earth? I think there are two possibilities:

1. Some odd numbered skinjobs, led by Boomer, found Earth first and nuked it just to be dicks.  

2. John McCain won the election. 

I don’t think we saw Boomer die in the last episode, so we have to assume that she’s alive and willing to carry out Cavil’s mission to destroy humanity.  Destroying humanity would involve destroying Earth (or electing John McCain and letting us take care of that whole “destruction of humanity” thing ourselves).  

Who the hell is the fifth Cylon?  I yelped, “Son of a bitch!” when D’Anna quipped, “There are four Cylons in the fleet.”  

And what the hell was her problem? D’Anna knew the identities of the super secret Cylons and knew that Roslin and Adama didn’t know.  So, why all the drama?  Taking hostages I sorta get, but executing them because the super secret Cylons didn’t reveal themselves fast enough and then holding Adama accountable for the super secret Cylons’ release was totally psycho.    She saw them all on the hangar!  Why not just point them out right then and spare us the crazy-bitch antics?   

So, four Cylons in the fleet. That means Gaeta, Dualla, Doc Cottle, and any other minor character in the fleet are not Cylons.  That leaves someone who has died or someone we’ve never seen.  But, I have an idea.  

Lee Adama’s mom. 

Bear with me. 

Age and aging don’t seem to be an issue with the final five.  Admiral Adama has known Tigh for thirty years and has seen him age all that time, and yet, there he is (I want to punctuate everything Tigh says with, “Arrgggh!).  Also, the ex-Mrs. Adama’s fate has never been definite.  We assume she’s dead, but there’s nothing to really prove that.  

Watch the promo for 2009 after this episode.  That’s Admiral Adama’s voice breaking up in agony with the words, “You’re one of them” (or something along those lines). The final Cylon is not Laura Roslin, Starbuck, or Lee. We know that because they’re all in the Last Supper photo (and they’re all part of the fleet).  Admiral Adama wouldn’t have that reaction to someone he’d never seen before, or had only known in passing.  That reaction was for someone close to him.  

So, that’s it. I think Boomer nuked Earth (or helped John McCain do it), I think the final Cylon is Lee Adama’s mom, and I think the execs are douchebags for dragging this out so freaking long.  

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Lisa Fary’s early exposure to classic Battlestar Galactica in 1979 is largely responsible for her lifelong interest in science fiction and her childhood ambition of being an intergalactic space cowgirl. She thinks diagramming sentences is a fun alternative to Sudoku.