Madge at the Movies: Indiana Jones

Hi. This is Madge. I started my Memorial Day weekend with a trip to the movies. I took myself to a matinee of that new Indiana Jones and the City of the Crystal Temple or the Raiders of the Lost Crystal Doom or whatever the hell it was called. It was Harrison Ford and that was all I cared about. He has the hat and he has the whip and that gets me hot.

My girlfriend Coco asked me, “Madge, why are you seeing so many movies this weekend?” You know, it’s Memorial Day weekend and people have the barbecues with the kids and the grandkids and my grandkids don’t come over often. And, really, that’s fine with me. I like them. Pretty much. They come over here with their hair in their faces and they ask for the Wii and they ask for the XBox and I don’t have it. I don’t even know what they’re talking about! Is that some kinda hippie code? Some kinda Commie nonsense?

My neighbor Swoozie said she’s goin’ up to Orlando with her kids, with her son and his boys and his new wife (I think he’s on number three). So, Swoozie says she’s in Orlando at the Disney World with them, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she were holed up in a motel room chain smoking and watching the cable all weekend.

Me, I went and bought myself a gift certificate to the movies and told Swoozie it was from my grandkids. I told her it’s a nice gift that says, “Yes, we love you, Grandma. No, we don’t have to spend time together.” Really, a very thoughtful thing from my grandkids. Had they actually thought of it, I would’ve been impressed.

Before she left, I told Swoozie that I planned on watching sexy young men at the movies all weekend. I didn’t tell her the sexy young man was Harrison Ford because, yes, he’s still sexy, but he’s not a young man anymore and it would be just like Swoozie to point that out. I mean, he’s sixty-five – that’s old enough to live here in our retirement park.

So, Indiana Jones started out with some crazy teenagers trying to outrun an Army caravan in Nevada, but not the good part of Nevada. Not the Vegas part of Nevada where you can go get your scotch, do your gambling, sometimes you can see a Tony Bennett show. It wasn’t that part of Nevada. This was the crappy part, the Area 51 part of Nevada. It’s the part where the wackos say there’s some kind of martian spaceman stuff. Some alien stuff at Area 51. You know, that alien stuff in Nevada?

So there were the teenagers and some loud music and this Army caravan. And there were gophers, or maybe they were hedgehogs. I don’t know what they were, but they were furry and I didn’t understand why they were there.

But, these army guys in the caravan, they’re not army guys. They’re Russians. Russians from the Cold War. You remember that? You remember the Cold War? Did your parents teach you about the Cold War? So these Russians who are pretending to be American boys pull up to this warehouse at Area 51 and they pull Indiana Jones out of the trunk of the car. I started getting really excited because I love Harrison Ford.

And then the camera panned up to his face. The man got old. Really old. Not a good old, either. Not like a Sean Connery kind of old. He just got old and he had that pinched up old man mouth and he looked confused. He looked like he didn’t know where he was, like me in the electronics department at the Wal-Mart. I though he’d save it once he started talking. You know he has that voice, that sexy voice. Harrison Ford started talking and he sounded like he was dead! He just looked old and stiff and sounded dead.

I think I might have dozed off there in the theater for a minute because, really, Indiana Jones and the Crusade of the Crystal Ark just wasn’t that exciting. I was hoping for more from Harrison Ford, but he was delivering his lines with about as much passion as my third husband, Bernie, saying his wedding vows. In Bernie’s defense, he was on an oxygen tank at the time. Harrison Ford had no oxygen tank.

I think I woke up at a good time. I opened my eyes and there was this young man on the screen on a motorcycle. This young greaser with a hat riding a motorcycle. Real good looking young man. I gotta get my grandson to look him up on the online and find out who that is. Harrison Ford and this greaser get into all kinds of shenanigans. There’s something about some kind of crystal skull business. Some kind of skull made of crystal.

The very good looking young man and the very old Harrison Ford go to South America. It might have been Chile or Peru. You know where they have those Indians who built those cities? Those cities in the mountains? You know those cities in the mountains in South America? Well, this crystal skull is there and it’s some kind of big deal mind control thing and that’s why the Russians want it. You remember the Russians from before? From Nevada? They want the skull for some Commie stuff.

So these two, Harrison Ford and that sexy young man, after getting into some more shenanigans, they get their hands on one of these crystal skulls and I didn’t see what the big deal was with this. It was this big, pointy skull with buck teeth and there’s nothing really special about that. I mean, my cousin Roberta had a big pointy skull and buck teeth and she did OK. She went to secretarial school and married a nice janitor. They had kids and now she has a bunch of grandkids. They’re always at her house, they sit on her lap, she gives them lollipops. I think she even has that Commie XBox for them. She still has the big pointy skull, but she doesn’t have the buck teeth anymore – they all fell out and she’s got dentures now.

But, the movie still wasn’t great and the only thing holding my interest was looking at Mutt – that’s the young man with the motorcycle. His name in the movie is Mutt. Like a dog. Well, Mutt was the only thing that kept me going because I got so horny looking at him.

Finally Marion - you remember Marion from the first movie? You know, Marion? From Raiders?- well, she shows up and it turns out she’s the boy’s mother. She showed up and it was like Harrison Ford thought, “Oh, I remember how to act, now!” Suddenly it was like he wasn’t so old. It was like he was a young man of 62 instead of an old man of 65, like he is.

Age has not been good to him and I hope this age is better to this Mutt kid than it has been to Harrison Ford. But, you know, he’s got kind of a baby face and that may not go well for him. Maybe for fifteen or twenty years, unless he gets lucky like that John Cusack fella. But, it he doesn’t, it’s gonna be really bad for him. Really bad for Mutt. But, I’ll be dead by then, so it’s not gonna matter.

Now there are some other shenanigans, but I won’t go into detail because I don’t want to ruin it for you. I hate it when people ruin movies for me. Swoozie does it all the time. It’s to the point where she comes over and she says, “Madge, I saw this movie with my church group!” and I have to tell her,” Shut the hell up! I don’t want to hear it ‘cause you’re just gonna tell me how it ends.” Swoozie’s ruined a bunch of movies for me and I don’t want to do that to you. Go see it for yourself, but bring something to do for the first forty-five minutes or so until Marion shows up. It doesn’t really get good until then. So ladies, bring your knitting and maybe a personal massager. They make them now to fit in your pocketbook – I have one in all of my pocketbooks – very useful in line at the Wal-Mart waiting on a price check. Boys, bring a deck of cards, maybe a flask. You’ll have to entertain yourselves until Marion shows up on screen because Harrison Ford isn’t gonna do it for you.

Later, maybe tomorrow, I’m gonna go see The Iron Man with Robert Downey, Jr. But, right now, I’m getting tired. It’s almost four o’clock now and it’s getting time for dinner, so I’m gonna go down to the Piccadilly. I feel like some mashed potatoes, maybe some salisbury steak.

Madge is a 69 year old retiree in south Florida. She doesn’t know how to get online, so she calls in her reviews.

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