‘Accelerated decrepitude.” - Pris, Blade Runner

By TirinityVixen

Chloe is engaged to man who appreciates her elite skills (and fabulous hair). Lana is a mother, happily ensconced across the pond in Paris (and as far from us as possible!). Lois Lane practically runs The Daily Planet. The Kents have a considerate, hard-working son keeping their farm afloat while they jet-set. Even Lex Luthor enjoys himself more. He should, being President and all. It’s a wonderful life!

Except for those of us who don’t have SPF 2000 sunscreen. Those people—pretty much everyone, even all the smiley folks glad never to have heard of Clark Kent—are hosed when President Luthor and Chief of Staff Brane E. Ack decide it’s time to reboot the planet with some help from the Manhattan Project.

This is the future brought on by excessive emo. Clark Kent decides that saving his baby self from Krypton is less of a priority than whinging. When the hero goes fishing for compliments, it’s usually a sign that the entire episode is going to be an enormous fluff job to shore up his confidence. The shortest path to self esteem is to throw Clark into an imaginary world that has managed to survive the meteor showers and freaks without him (courtesy of Daddy El).

To be fair to the writers, the set-up of Alterna-ville does a credible job of convincing Clark (and the audience) that everyone who still has the misfortune to know him in our universe is better off without him. Well, not Jimmy, but then Jimmy is one of those cosmic whipping boys who never catch a break, so we expect nothing less. Alterna-Lois is obligated, by existing outside of the normal, to flirt with Clark, and she is awesomely, unapologetically slutty about it. The show needs must tweak the Superman mythos with Clark wearing glasses; Kara being also known as Linda Danvers; and Lex wearing a sharp white suit with the one black glove. No revisiting deceased characters/dismissed actors except the former Sheriff, and though she is awesome, she is not Martha or Jonathan Kent nor Lionel Luthor. 

The best part of a universe where Clark doesn’t exist is that he may use his powers with impunity. No secret identity to risk, lots of fun to have. Tom Welling hasn’t been allowed to smile this much in an age. He zips circles around a would-be peeper (Alterna-Lois, who else?), throws people into things, and runs amok as much as he is able. That and Lana Lang is nowhere in sight? Brilliance.

Yet the mushroom clouds hover on the horizon: Brainiac and Lex have managed to convince themselves that the only way to purge the meteor infected from the planet is to let fly the bomb. Without Clark to play at pest control, the meteor-infected crime rate must be astronomical. At the very least, it’s gotten Lex Luthor elected President about five years before he should be eligible. (Maybe they changed the law?) Surely, though, there must be a better way? Luthor’s not stupid, so what’s with the planet-ending?

It must have something to do with Kara. And, lo: it does! Alterna-Lex has managed to displace his issues over not being Dad’s favorite onto his adoptive sister. His lethal dislike is mitigated by the fact that Kara turns on him in a Kryptonian minute when Clark shows up. Kara is too easy to persuade in any universe. “Hey, Kara, you should be on my team! We have got balloons!” “Okay!” Alterna-Lex turns her back to his side with less effort than she swats pitiful humans aside.

(Thankfully, Laura Vandervoort won’t be saying “Of course, Mr. President” again any time soon. No more unnecessary detours through porno territory for Smallville, s’il vous plait.)

Milton Fine! Just what we need to distract ourselves from Lex’s icky half-lust for the woman he considers a sister. Actually, wait, Brainiac is still working that plan to turn Lex into Zod and have Zod and Kara repopulate Earth with Kryptonians. No wonder Lex is behind this plan. He has no choice but to sleep with his sister. NO CHOICE! He goes to blow up the world (forgetting the safety protocols entirely: bunker first, devastation after).

So, total nuclear destruction and Lex and Kara’s inbred babies taking over the globe. That’s about as low as you’d have to go to make our Smallville seem like a bastion of joy. Jor-El tells Clark he showed him the alternative so he makes the right decision, i.e. the one where baby Kal-El arrives on Earth safe and sound. The Fortress sends Clark to Krypton just as it’s exploding. Kara battles Brainiac, stabbing and smooshing him with any blunt object she can find. (Despite having been on Krypton and away from Earth’s sun for longer, she is more powerful than Clark.) I am unsure of how stabbing a shape-shifting pile of sentient goo kills it. Perhaps it does not? Brainiac is awfully cheerful about his apparent smote-itude. Clark and Kara return to Earth’s present, all things back to the way they always were.

Of course, it always would have been the way it was even if they changed something, but this is Smallville not Doctor Who. It has to be time travel for dummies or else Clark couldn’t do it. Other Kryptonians decided not to use their time-portal abilities because they were so bored with life or something. Whatever, it was poorly designed anyway. When the Fortress portal closes, it can’t be reopened (because), and neither Kara nor Clark could have gone back earlier to save anyone (because).

Welcome back, Clark Kent. Some people are still alive (and miserable) and you couldn’t save anyone who isn’t because. Kara, the optimist is all “We can’t change the past. We can only affect the future.” I have to wonder how much of Alterna-ville she absorbed because she reaches to take Clark’s hand and caress it inappropriately. COUSINS, KARA, YOU ARE COUSINS. Clark is still grieving for Lana, too, so her advances are terribly gauche on top of being incestuous. 

Lex shows up to ask about how come his ex-wife is a vegetable. If Clark knows anything, anything that all the doctors hired by a billionaire don’t…no? Okay, well, phone if anything changes, m’kay? Lex, you want to work with Clark while you’re also trying to destroy him? Well, okay, you don’t know that, but still, dirty pool.

Left woefully tech-illiterate after leaving all things compu-machine to Chloe, Clark googles comas, which have nothing whatsoever to do with Lana’s condition. He determines that his ineffectual search means she’s beyond saving. Enter Lois, doing her annoying damnedest to be a shoulder for Clark after he helped her with that measly breakup with Oliver Queen. This scene with Lois is actually kind of sweet, if only because it recalls the only time Lois seemed like a human being and not a caricature. (Which was right after her heartbreak.) She fails at empathy but excels at distraction. Lois drags Clark off to a bar to drown their sorrows. Drinking solves everything, hurray!

Kara must agree. Back in Smallville, Kara’s hitting the milk pretty hard. I begin to suspect she’s had enough when she drops the gallon to the ground, clutches her head and collapses. Kids, just say no to milk!

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About TrinityVixen: There’s an asterisk on TrinityVixen’scollege transcript that assures anyone who reads it that, though there is no specific major, degree, or certificate for it, she did, in fact, complete some kind of creative writing program as an undergrad. Armed with that symbol of irrelevant experience, she has polluted the internet with her opinions and horrible fanworks ever since (and for quite a long while before). Living poor in New York until she finds a means to become independently wealthy, she must subsist on the juicy meat of fandom. Fandom and noodles. And instant soup.