Tony Stark: Sexiest Man Alive?

by Teresa Jusino

I am now the last person in the country to have seen Iron Man, which is surprising considering that I’m sort of the resident “comic book enthusiast” around here.  In fact, I have begun reading the new Iron Man title at Marvel, Invincible Iron Man, and really enjoyed the first issue!  But I’ve only just gotten around to seeing the movie.  

I’m so glad I did.

I could talk about how great the story is.  And it is.  It’s fast-paced, told really well, and none of the characters felt like a caricature.  I could talk about how Iron Man is a comic character that one can appreciate more in a live-action film, because the  mechanics and logistics it would take to make something like an iron soldier suit is more impressive when you see how it could work in the real world, as opposed to on the two-dimensional page.  But the real reason I loved this movie and want to own it as soon as it comes out on DVD?  

This movie is hot!

Seriously, and not to be vulgar, but they really should hand out plastic seat covers at every screening of Iron Man.  I’m just sayin’…

I’ve never been a “gadget girl.”  I have plenty of friends who are, but I’ve never been interested in the latest shiny new thing.  In fact, for someone who’s as into sci-fi as I am, technology is surprisingly off-putting.  Yet I found myself being ridiculously turned-on every time one of Tony Stark’s amazing computerized concoctions was in view.  That keyboard that he just runs his fingers over to turn on???  *shudders* That 3-D imaging system he uses to design his creation???  *drools* And the Iron Man suit.  OH, the suit.  Such a slinky, shiny, seductive thing.  So aerodynamic and form-fitting and “race-car red” and PERFECT.  I had trouble deciding which was sexier, Tony Stark, or Tony Stark IN THE SUIT.  Interesting that, in my brain, hot men and hot technology are just about equal.

Just about.

Man will always trump machine.  Case in point:  this picture right here.  Machines don’t have arms like that.  Machines don’t look quite so amazing all dirty and sweaty in a cave pounding on metal alloys with a hammer.  It’s the reason why Iron Man is so popular and works as a franchise.  As interesting as the suit is, it’s not quite as interesting as Tony Stark.  In addition to being insanely attractive, he’s also a douchebag (there’s my favorite word again!), but in the best way.  When he’s snarky, you know that it’s coming from a good place, and as Pepper Potts reminds us through her thoughtful gift to him in the film, he does “have a heart.”

And I’m sorry, but a stripper pole that comes out of the floor?!  On his PLANE?!  Come on!  How badass is that?!

Robert Downey Jr. was the perfect actor to play this role.  Who else could play such an a@#hole, but still be so danged likeable?  Who else could carry off that snarky humor so brilliantly?  Who else could look that good and convincingly be that smart?  In my not-so-humble opinion, Tony Stark is the Marvel Universe’s sexiest man alive, and Robert Downey Jr. is the only person sexy enough to play him.  Not since Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead has an actor been so hot to me on screen that I felt my ovaries jump with the primal desire to reproduce.

Yeah, I said it.  I wanna have Tony Stark’s babies.  Or maybe just his schlong.  Whichever.

So, in conclusion.  Iron Man = hot.  Tony Stark = sexiest Marvel character.  Robert Downey Jr. = me owing my local movie theater money to reupholster the seat I sat in last night.

Oh, what?  Those of you who’ve seen Iron Man know exactly what I’m talking about.  And those of you who’ve yet to see the film?  Bring a towel.  You’ve been warned.

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TERESA JUSINO was born on the same day that Skylab fell. Coincidence? She doesn’t think so.  She is currently playing a lead role in Stone Soup Theater Arts’ latest original play, “The Ghost Dancers”, by Adam Hunault.  As a writer, her work has appeared in Elmont Life newspaper, and on the sadly defunct website, CentralBooking.com. She is currently at work on a collection of short stories. As a geek, Teresa loves Star Trek, Lost, comics, and anything Joss Whedon ever touched. Also, she has a fangirl *squee-ing* crush on Brian K. Vaughan, which is now being rivaled by her burgeoning crush on Robert Downey Jr. in his Iron Man suit.

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