“I can kill you with my brain.” - River Tam, Firefly

By Lisa Fary

If vampires are supposed to stay out of the public eye, what possessed Mick to take a security job for a paparazzi pursued Hollywood starlet? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of keeping a low profile? In his narrative, he says it’s about not letting the vampirism define him, but it still seems like a bonehead move.

Whether it does or not, Mick is on the job, quivering in the passenger seat of Hollywood starlet Tierney Taylor’s Audi while they’re pursued by paparazzi SUVs right up to the curb of a restaurant. Another paparazzi gang awaits, which Mick shoves their way through while grunting, “Too close!” and pushing away the camera of a particularly slimebally, leering photographer.

The camera stays on the slimeballarazzo as if to say, “You’ll see him again, viewer! Isn’t he sinister?”

As Mick and Tierney sit down, speculation rises that he’s her new boyfriend, which doesn’t please Beth too much. Yep. Beth is sitting at the other side of the restaurant with the Shaggy DA. What are the odds?

No, really. Mick and Beth have an awful lot of coincidental meetings. It’s like she’s stalking him.

As expected, the Shaggy DA is showing interest in Beth. He says it’s only because of their shared trauma via plastic surgeon abduction - he just has to talk to someone about it, and no one will understand. But, he’s reading her stories and watching her on BuzzWire, too. Shags even gives her a backhanded compliment: not everything she does is crap!

At least, under Beth’s previous boss, Maureen, not everything she did was crap. However, her new boss - a greasy-haired blonde guy in a tragic blazer who acts like he’s on coke - will ensure that, from this point forward, everything she does is crap.

Greasy Blonde wants BuzzWire to join the ranks of TMZ and Perez Hilton, which conflicts with Beth’s serious journalistic goals. Plucky girl reporter that she is, Beth will continue to work within BuzzWire’s trashy new limits to deliver well-researched, hard-hitting stories that matter. Beth refuses to become a bloodsucking, celebrity hunting vampire. . .

. . . did she say that out loud?

Yep. And in front of Mick (although not until the end of the episode).

Night falls and it’s time to party at the Hotel Queen Mary in honor of Tierney’s new movie, Lusitania. As he approaches the hotel, Mick reminisces about the last time he was on the Queen Mary: back in 1942 when the ship was nailed by a 92 foot rogue wave, nearly capsizing it. The event inspired The Poseidon Adventure, and Mick hopes that Gene Hackman’s character in the movie was based on him (which makes me wonder if Mick has seen the movie).

It’s all swimming pools and movie stars on board the Queen Mary, supposedly sans paparazzi (. . . or is it?). Mick did have a nasty confrontation outside with Dean Foster, the over eager stalkerazzo from outside the restaurant. I sense he’ll be party to some sinister goings-on fairly soon.

One good thing about Moonlight is that it’s never too long before bodies start dropping. In this case, it’s Tierney dropping from the porthole of her room, followed by Mick in an attempt to save her. But, like Mick, Tierney was already dead when she hit the water.

Mick and Beth run into each other again while on the case the next day and Mick suggests they meet up at his place later to share information. Is “share information” code for doin’ it? Beth eyes light up like she hopes it is. She skips out the door to meet with Tierney’s producer and get a bikini wax for her romantic night of the living dead.

On his way out, Mick gets ambushed by paparazzi and makes his getaway by jumping to the rooftop. . . and into the cameras of two rogue paparazzi. Mick unwisely vamps out to scare them off and they vamp right back. In the spirit of vampire brotherhood, the vamparazzi dish the dirt on Dean Foster. Turns out, he had an unhealthy fixation on Tierney and wouldn’t shoot anyone but her.

While questioning the producer, Beth got the Warner Bros. Studios experience that I thought I was going to get during that internet press day last September. I’d never been, and thought there would be extras walking around in costume and stagehands walking by with set pieces, like in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Nope. Just me, rushing between the eerily silent and deserted lot, feeling like the Omega Man (but a chick, obviously).

Beth learns that the studio pulled the plug on Tierney’s Lusitania movie (or did they?). The producer insists that without Tierney, there was no interest in the movie. I can’t imagine why. The story of a British ocean liner that sinks in the early 20th century? That movie would likely be a Titanic rip-off with some additional u-boats.

Meanwhile, Mick shakes down Tierney’s emo band boyfriend and learns that she had paid off that creepy stalkerazzo, Dean Foster to the tune of fifty grand. Emo Boy speculates it may have been to cover up cheatin’ sexy time pictures, but decides against it because he and Tierney didn’t have any secrets.

Which means it’s time to cue Tierney’s secret. Mick’s next stop is the business manager, who reveals that Tierney was trying to hide and protect her battered mom from the paparazzi. See what that does? Now, she’s not just a spoiled starlet. Cue feeling sad about her death.

As planned, Beth and Mick meet up at his place later, only to get run down by a speeding car. Mick’s vampiric healing abilities are caught on camera by. . . Dean Foster, who’s new unhealthy fixation is on Mick.

That won’t get in the way of Beth’s romantic night of the living dead. However, much to Beth’s dismay, by “share information,” Mick really meant sharing information. They sit by the fire in his awesome loft and discuss the case and the history of emo.

Oooh. Sexy.

Mick’s place is being staked out by paparazzi, so Beth is just going to have to spend the night. On the couch. While Mick sleeps in his freezer. Not exactly the romantic evening Beth had in mind, but there’s always the chance of seeing him walk around in nothing but jammie pants in the morning.

She may have had the inspiring, half-naked view of Mick the morning after, but we unlucky viewers didn’t. Unfortunately, Mick managed to keep his shirt on for the rest of the episode.

Damn you, shirt. I hate you.

Some quick research reveals that the speeding car from the night before is registered to the producer, who eventually spills it. The Lusitania investors were shady and weren’t getting the return they wanted, so the producer killed Tierney to shut the movie down and collect on the insurance, thus saving his own skin. Mystery solved, but there’s still fifteen minutes left in the episode. . .

. . . in which Stalkerazzo Foster will blackmail Beth for BuzzWire exclusives. If he doesn’t get them, he’ll reveal Mick’s hit and run photos to the world! Whatever will Beth do????

She does what any reasonable girl would do: she asks Josef Konstantin’s wagon train of awesome to “handle” the situation. And by “handle”, Beth means kill Dean Foster.

By then end, Beth is on an real live date with Mick, announcing that she’s quit BuzzWire while the vamparazzi handle Dean Foster. Death screams make such romantic dinner music.

Despite the lack of shirtless Mick, “Click” was definitely a step up from last week. It showed glimmers of the potential I always knew was there: snappy, pop culturally aware, and continuing to build its mythology. It’s also looking good for Moonlight to be green lighted for a second season - the show won the 9PM time slot again last week.

And, just because we didn’t get any this week, here are some gratuitous pictures of a half-naked Alex O’Loughlin:

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Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her early exposure to classic Battlestar Galactica in 1979 is largely responsible for her lifelong interest in science fiction and her childhood ambition of being an intergalactic space cowgirl.