“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife. But after what you just said, I’m not even sure I want to be that any more.” - Valerie, Princess Bride

with Professor of Fangeekonomics, Ms. Melissa Voelker
 
Reference Materials for today’s class:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Episode 1.13 – Athens City Academy of Performing Bards
 
Gabrielle started out as a less than simple village girl who wanted to see more of the world than an arranged marriage in her hometown could provide.  When she first began her travels with Xena, she stayed on the sidelines watching as the warrior woman beat up ruffians and fought angry kings and foiled the plans of vindictive goddesses.  But she wasn’t just hanging around twiddling her thumbs and waiting until the fighting was over. All the time she was gathering the details of Xena’s adventures into her brain and turning them into stories, because what Gabrielle wanted most was to someday be a bard.  Why else would she have been born with such a wonderful Power of Gab?
 
 A summary of today’s reference material:
Xena fights some ruffians in an armory of some sort.  Suddenly she pauses mid-buttkicking and it turns out it is just Gabrielle telling stories about Xena’s exploits to a tavern full listeners.  After finishing her tale to a round of applause, she meets a young man who asks if she is heading to the Bard Competition at the Academy in Athens.  Though they seem to hit it off, a surly fellow who just has to be a Stage Father breaks in and tries to crush any dreams Gabby may have of participating in the contest (cause not only is he a pushy stage parent, but also a bit of a sexist bastard.)  After the young man and his father leave, Xena arrives to tell Gabrielle there is a cyclops just waiting for them to take it down, but Gabby’s thoughts are all for the contest.  Though Xena is sad to see her go, she is willing to part with her little friend for the sake of Gabrielle’s dream. 
 
At the Academy, bard-wannabes practice their tales in preparation for the big event.  Some of them have very familiar sounding names, like Euripides.  Gabrielle meets back up with the young man she met earlier, who is glad to see that she has made it.  He talks about wanting to change his real name (because he thinks it is lame, I guess) but his first choice, Draco, is not one Gabrielle thinks suits him.  In fact she regales him with a tale of the Draco she has met before just to prove how bad a name choice it is.  Once again she is treated to a round of applause by those listening, and then gives her new friend the name of Orion, which is dramatic and certainly a bit heroic.
 
After finagling her way through registration, Gabby and Orion head into orientation.  After sitting down to listen to a lecture on drama, Gabrielle thinks she spies someone shifty in the back row but waves away her paranoia as just a bit of Xena rubbing off on her.  Suddenly that shifty man runs forward and stabs the bard giving the lecture, causing havoc in the orientation hall.  It turns out to just be an event staged for the benefit of the lesson the bard was giving, but Gabby calls this event a cheat.  To prove her point, she regales the entire room with yet another Xena Adventure Tale.  Of course she holds her audience in the palms of her hands and is treated to yet another round of applause.  Why does she even need to go to the Academy if she is so good at telling tales already? 

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Later in the dorms, the bard-wannabes practice for each other (with the use of classic movie clips, no less).  Gabby is kind enough (or obnoxious enough, depending on how you look at it) to give pointers where she sees fit.  Then Euripides tells a Xena Adventure Tale of his own from back in her naughty warrior princess days.   This doesn’t sit terribly well with Gabrielle, though she agrees with what is said.  She knows Xena wasn’t always fighting for the Light Side of the Force.  But she doesn’t leave things alone, making sure to tell her own tale of how Xena switched sides and became a hero.  Of course everyone else is totally enthralled by her tale and she actually has to force them to leave her alone so she can get some sleep.
 
The next day she and Orion work on his own storytelling skills.  She tells him he isn’t doing a very good job of keeping her attention, and he gives her some background on Stage Dad’s stranglehold over his bard skills.  Before they can delve too deep into that can of worms (or would it be bucket?  Did they even have cans back then?)  Gabrielle is called away by the heads of the contest.  They have found out she tricked her way into the competition.  Turns out nosy Stage Dad outted her to the head bards.  Gabrielle is kicked out of the contest, much to the dismay of her and the other bard-wannabes.  Of course, she isn’t leaving before she has time to tell one more story to her avid listeners (a story that includes her telling a story - crazy!)  This time there is no clapping as she finishes, everyone is just too sad, by the tale and by the fact that she has to leave. 
 
Things are looking up though when Gabby’s band of bard boyfriends (haha, alliteration is funny and a cool bard trick) come up with a plan to help her out.  They ask her not to leave until after the next day’s competition, and who can resist their earnest little faces?  Certainly not Gabrielle.  She arrives the next day to watch the contest, and is treated to a mutiny by her friends.  They refuse to compete until Gabby is allowed to play too.  The guest celebrity judge Gastacius decides he wants to see her perform, so she pops up on stage pretending she has nothing prepared to regale the audience with.  But since when has that ever stopped Gabrielle?  She whips out yet another Xena Adventure Tale and Gastacius is so moved that he demands she be allowed back into the competition.  Once again, why does she need to go to the Academy if she is already so darn good? 
 
Later on Orion gives his own performance, a little stilted but acceptable, yet even though the audience applauds Stage Father is pissed.  He starts hitting Orion in the head and yelling at him, though Gabrielle tries to get him to stop.  Eventually Orion has enough and storms out.  Stage Father of course blames Gabrielle, coming in to the dorms later on and telling everyone that Orion quit the contest and is headed home.  Gabrielle takes off after him, working to convince him that he needs to get back to telling tales his own way.  She even says kind of nice things about Stage Dad, though who knows why she would do such a thing.  It works, though, and Orion heads back for the Finals. 
 
For her last tale in the competition, Gabrielle relates the story of how she and Xena first met and started adventuring together.  It brings down the house (of course.)  When Orion goes up for his last turn he takes Gabby’s advice and tells his story his way, with his eyes closed (hrm, a blind bard, now why does that sound familiar?)  He also does very well.  Well enough to be named one of the four winners of the contest, along with Euripides.  It looks like Gabrielle didn’t make it and is headed off for more adventures, though she does ask Orion his real name before taking off.  Turns out it is Homer (the Blind Bard, duh) another famous name thrown in there.  Gabby meets back up with Xena and admits that she did in fact win a place at the Academy, but would rather be living adventures instead of just telling about them (and she didn’t seem to need to be there anyway when everyone kept saying she was amazing already.)  Lucky for her, moments later they are attacked by - what else? - dirty ruffians. 
 
 Discussion from today’s reference material:
Now about half way through the first season, the Xena writers must have felt it was time for a recap episode.  While it seems at first glance like this episode centers around Gabrielle, she spends the entire show relating stories about Xena, many of which don’t even include her.  Still, this is an important turning point for the little bard in the evolution of her character.  When she became an Amazon Princess, she started taking a more active role in the events that tended to occur around her and Xena on a constant basis.  At heart, however, she still longed for the life of a traveling bard, a dream she had held onto since she was a child.  In this episode she is given a chance to fulfill that dream, yet she decides not to take it.  She has already evolved past her original dreams, and though not giving up the idea of being a bard altogether, she knows that going to the Academy and just living that life would no longer fulfill her.    
 
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About Melissa: By day a mild-mannered tv station receptionist, by night a fighter of crime and corruption in the dirty streets of Spokane, WA . . . or maybe not so much. More like a hyperactive, anal-retentive daytime receptionist and a melodramatic, hyperactive nighttime fangirl who only wishes she could be a fighter of crime and champion of justice (except that would lead to getting my super costume all dirty and I hate doing laundry.) Though my intent has always been to write bestselling novels and live a life of wealth and luxury, putting my talents for snarkiness and word doodling together while letting my geek flag fly suits me just fine - for now.