“I would never take advantage of a sexually immature species.” - Lt. Ilia

by TrinityVixen

I have been a bad, bad reviewer. I’ve let well on four weeks worth of Smallville go by and I’ve only just caught up. Fortunately, the show decided to only feature about one review’s worth of material in that time, so I can summarize “Fracture, “Hero, and “Traveler” in just one post!

Here’s the summary: DON’T WATCH THESE EPISODES.

I’m not kidding.

“Fracture” has Clark going into Lex’s brain to discover Kara’s whereabouts. He discovers that though there is a pint-sized facet of Lex that still retains some humanity, Lex is primarily a raging a$$hole. And, in case you forgot, gay for Clark like nobody’s business. The “highlight” of this sojourn into Lex’s mind is evil Head!Lex forcing Clark to watch his memories of boning Lana. “Hey, remember that chick we both had sex with? It’s like we’ve done it!” Clark is not impressed and sides with good Child!Lex instead in a way that isn’t supposed to be creepy but is. Kara is rescued, still without her memory, from Detroit, Chloe heals Lex and dies again herself, gets a stern talking to from Super Hypocrite, aaaaaand scene.

In case your eyeballs hadn’t rolled out of your head at this point, Stride gum offers you a second chance with “Hero.” Brought to you by Stride. The gum that has kryptonite in it. Because federal regulators totally don’t know when companies stick radioactive materials in foodstuffs. Pete, the once and no longer friend Clark barely cared about, returns, chews him some Stride gum and gets super powers. He runs afoul of Lex, learns A Valuable Lesson, and gets the hell off the show after firing his agent. Kara? Still doesn’t have her memories, but she’s going to live with Lex now because—because, okay?

Oh and Stride gum would like you to know that they no longer put kryptonite in their product. Just uranium.

Although “Hero” was a waste of the most obvious episode title for this show ever, I have to say that the far more interesting episode “Traveler” was the more painful to watch. In fact, I didn’t watch it. I was in the room, I took notes, and I can relate to you the plot, but I had my eyes averted through much of it. “Traveler” was a travesty for the fact that it is the greatest misuse of a good actor in a terrible role in this show’s recent history.

Smallville Die Komplette Vierte Staffel SEALED Mint Rar

US $1.99 (0 Bid) End Date: Thursday Aug-28-2008 13:40:55 PDT Bid now | Add to watch list

Smallville is not the worst show on TV. For three seasons, it was good. It has held me for seven years based on two things. One: I am a completionist, and I have to see this through to the end. And two: it did improve for a season and a half, so there’s always hope on the horizon. Nevertheless, whenever I hear about guest stars that I recognize coming onto the show, I flinch. Sometimes they rise above—I’ll not hear a word against James Marsters or Justin Hartley, and Dean Cain was pretty fabulous—sometimes not.

In the decidedly NOT category is this week’s villain-of-no-lasting-importance played by Aaron Douglas. If you watch Battlestar Galactica, you are already flinching with me. If you don’t: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ahem. Battlestar Galactica regularly casts bit parts like they’re putting on Shakespeare for a private audience with Queen Elizabeth; no one walks onto or off of that set who isn’t better at convincing you that the space stuff is real than the sun is at convincing you it’s day time outside. The exceptions are few, and actually include one regular who was a guest on Smallville last year. Tahmoh Penikett played Lois’ army buddy (in Lost in Space silver panties, no less), a basically soulless soldier, and, far as I’ve seen that’s all he really does on Battlestar Galactica.

But that is not the case with Aaron Douglas, who can wring empathy from just about any number of jerkwad-esque behaviors and still be lovable despite, erm, well, spoilers. Anyway, Douglas is a tad schlubby looking, which adds to his everyman appeal on Battlestar Galactica and completely defeats the point of casting him as a mercenary nutjob working for Lionel Luthor.

I managed to watch one scene with Aaron Douglas in the entire episode. Clark, working in the barn, is zapped by kryptonite tazers. This is a fairly ingenious form of weaponized kryptonite and quite effective. He’s taken down, and Aaron Douglas comes to lord over him. The following was then said:

“I can see why they want you.”

I stopped looking at the screen from then on. There’s almost no point to finishing Smallville now that The Gayest Line Ever has been delivered. That’s probably a good thing, too, because next week they’ll get someone like Edward James Olmos on as a crotchety old neighbor and force him to look adoringly at Tom Welling and I’ll be forced to detonate British Columbia. (Sorry in advance, Supernatural fans.)

The episode does go on spectacularly around the utter waste of Aaron Douglas’ none-too-inconsiderable skills. Clark is being held by Lionel to keep him away from Dr. Swann’s daughter. Apparently, the Luthors, Swanns, Tiegs, and Queens were in a super secret cabal to discover and assist the titular Traveler when he came to Earth. Despite the few hundred Kryptonians who have landed here, they are specifically interested in Clark. The late and always great Christopher Reeve, you’ll remember, played Dr. Swann, the man who translated the Kryptonian symbols and recognized Clark as an alien. The Queens would be Green Arrow’s parents, and the Tiegs… The Tiegs were in season four, okay? I don’t remember much except Jane Seymour = still hot, and that that is how come Jensen Ackles landed another CW show.

Strangely, except for Luthor Sr. and Daddy Swann’s little girl, all the other members of the Kryptonian fan club are deceased. The younger Swann blackmails Lionel with evidence she says points to him being the reason for the high turnover rate; she wants to meet the Traveler (Dr. Swann must have died before telling her who he was) in exchange for not revealing to the world (and probably one hella pissed superhero) Lionel’s murderatin’.

And then we’re back to me not looking at the screen. Lionel has his patsy keeping Clark in a kryptonite cage. The patsy wants to kill Clark because he’s powerful and potentially dangerous. (He’s not wrong given that he’s been cleaning up after typically homicidal meteor freaks ever since 33.1, and he thinks Clark is one.) Lionel objects, pathetically justifying a torture device like a kryptonite cage as a protective measure, and patsy takes him and Baby Swann—now renamed Cygnet—down.

Luckily, Chloe has chanced freaking out Kara really, really badly and taken her to the Fortress to get her memory back. It works, and Kara’s off to the rescue. Thank God someone just turned the kryptonite bars of Clark’s cage off so she suffers no ill effects being so near Kryptonian poison. Aaron Douglas falls to a quick and splashy death (not to worry; he’ll resurrect in a better place), pushed, we assume by Papa Luthor. And now I can watch the end of the episode.

Lionel is exposed as the kidnapper; he and Clark are definitely on a time out. Kara moves back to the Kent Farm. Cygnet passes on the fugliest cameo pendant ever and fails to make Clark be Superman. She should start a new club for people who have futilely tried to stoke some civic duty in the moribund farm boy.

Oh, no, wait, she’s dead. That Lionel sure does take defeat personally.

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About TrinityVixen: There’s an asterisk on TrinityVixen’scollege transcript that assures anyone who reads it that, though there is no specific major, degree, or certificate for it, she did, in fact, complete some kind of creative writing program as an undergrad. Armed with that symbol of irrelevant experience, she has polluted the internet with her opinions and horrible fanworks ever since (and for quite a long while before). Living poor in New York until she finds a means to become independently wealthy, she must subsist on the juicy meat of fandom. Fandom and noodles. And instant soup.