Will Jason Bourne get up and give an ultimatum to animated Hellboy? Will Death Proof really be death proof when it meets Serenity? Will Beowulf disembowel the cute kids of Bridge to Terabithia? Find out in PRGAAMWA Round Two!
Bracket One
| Futurama: Bender’s Big Score vs. Planet Terror |
Lisa’s Pick: Planet Terror
Planet Terror should have been 88 minutes. That’s really all the time you need to release a bio-zombie virus, cobble together a band of survivors, and have your showdown. But, I expected the kind of trash you’d find in one of the vibrating beds at the No-Tel Motel and got that kind of trash with the added bonus of a greasy taco wrapper and can of flat beer. Even though I liked Futurama, it doesn’t stand up to Planet Terror because it wasn’t as funny as it could have been. Had it maintained the frenetic pace it had in its first 30 minutes, it would have been much better overall. |
Brian’s Pick: Planet Terror
I sat through the Futurama panel at last year’s Comic-Con only because I wanted a good seat for Joss Whedon. And though there were several panels that seemed to only exist as buffers between events that actually held any interest (I’m looking at you, The O.Z.), Futurama wasn’t one of them. These sweaty masses screamed and convulsed at every belabored joke. After every obvious punch line to a geriatric setup, I asked myself, “What is wrong with my fellow geek? Does the inclusion of spaceships and Matt Groening-style overbites automatically disintegrate their standards of taste?” When I saw someone dressed in a Cleopatra 2525 costume, my question was answered for me. Also, stump gun. |
John’s Pick: Planet Terror
Planet Terror was the weaker of the two Grindhouse movies, but not for lack of ambition. Rodriguez just kept throwing things at me: awkwardly broken hands, rotting, dripping and eventually dropping testicles, exploding zombies and Sayid from Lost as a bad guy. However, it overstayed it’s welcome by about thirty minutes and could have used some of Futurama’s time-traveling shenanigans to help trim the fat. Even so, Planet Terror wins. |
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| Round Two Winner: Planet Terror |
| Sunshine vs. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon |
Lisa’s Pick: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
I don’t like pretentious crap with my science fiction and could have done without the visual distortion of the deranged bad guy determined to doom Earth to an icy death because it’s not man’s job to interfere with God’s plan or some George Bush revelationist tripe like that. We get it, Boyle. Science trumps religion. Behind the Mask isn’t a special effects extravaganza and doesn’t ponder the deeper questions, but at least it was consistent in its style and knew what it was supposed to be. Sunshine had an identity crisis. |
Brian’s Pick: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Poor Robert Englund. The guy’s a trooper for sticking with a rotting franchise like the Nightmare on Elm Street saga for so many years. Sure, Freddy’s his bread and butter, but do you think if he’d have ducked out after the first 27 movies, he might have a career outside the straight to DVD shelf? After all, he was the sweetest lizard alien overlord you ever did see. But if he can’t step outside the horror genre for fear of being pelted with the deviled eggs of uppity ridicule, at least he can choose slasher flicks as funny and refreshing as Behind the Mask. And what do Sunshine and Batman Begins have in common? A puffy-faced Brit and good will squandered by a ridiculously stupid ending. |
John’s Pick: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Speaking of ambition – Danny Boyle’s got loads of it. It takes some guts to move from Trainspotting to 28 Days Later, and then to follow that up with a film like Sunshine. But it felt like Boyle got bored with his grand sci-fi adventure about two-thirds of the way in, and decided to move on to his next film about a religious zealot who happens to be a science-hating monster. Leslie Vernon manages to not only surprise with it’s creative deconstruction of documentaries and slasher films, but remain true to it’s purpose from open to close. Vernon wins. |
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| Round Two Winner: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon |
| Beowulf vs. Bridge to Terabithia |
Lisa’s Pick: Beowulf
Bridge to Terabithia was one of the most frequently challenged books in the 1990s (obviously because kids working out their life problems on their own and developing identities independent of their parents is BAD!) and was horribly mismarketed by the geniuses at Disney (it was tween drama, not fantasy). It was good, and a nice movie for families, but it does not stand up to Beowulf. Beowulf beats down Bridge’s two nice kids and their imaginary playland. |
Brian’s Pick: Beowulf
After the dead-eyed nightmare that was Robert Zemeckis’ previous output (take your pick between The Polar Express and Cast Away), I was a little wary of his take on epic Saxon poetry. But when Neil Gaiman and Roger Avery tell you they’ve figured out how to rock the socks off some Old English action, you’d sure as hell better believe them. The 3D was cool, the CG was immersive, but Beowulf is at its heart a fist-pumping, chest-thumping, semen-spurting yarn. 300 may have had juicier pecs, but where was the soul? And those Terabithia kids looked a little too old to be playing pretend, is all I’m saying. |
John’s Pick: Beowulf
I expected more fantasy and less ABC Family from Terabithia, never having read the book. I expected more dryness and less emotional involvement from Beowulf, having read the poem several times over the years. While Terabithia was enjoyable and did catch me off-guard with the death of one of it’s main characters, it was all very on-your-sleeve storytelling. Neil Gaiman helped infuse Beowulf with all sorts of emotional and mythic resonance, and modernized the myth successfully. All that AND Grendel actually looked like Crispin Glover after some sort of horrible mutation while not distracting me at all. |
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| Round Two Winner: Beowulf |
| Casino Royale vs. Perfect Creature |
Lisa’s Pick: Perfect Creature
Terrorist banking doesn’t have the same sort of immediacy as a Soviet with a nuke, so it was surprising that Casino Royale was remotely interesting. Much of that credit goes to Daniel Craig for playing a totally different Bond than we’ve seen before. But, it still took about 45 minutes and multiple locations around the world just to set up the basic plot and another half hour for all of the double crossing to subside. It got tedious. Perfect Creature was the most surprising movie I watched all year. Taking place in Nuovo Zealandia, Perfect Creature gives us the Brothers – vampires who are benevolent priests, doctors, and scientists in a steampunkish alternate world. It creates a totally new world that a dinosaur like James Bond can’t overcome. |
Brian’s Pick: Casino Royale
Let’s get a few things about Casino Royale out of the way right up front. Poker? Boring to watch. The love story? Clunkily handled. Daniel Craig? The best Bond since Bond. Think about it: we no longer have to suffer under the tyranny of invisible cars, Denise Richards, or potential spin-offs with a million-dollar breasted Halle Berry. Casino Royale represents liberation from a life of terrible Bond, and you can’t put a price on that. Unless that price is $19.95 for 2-disc DVD or $38.96 for Blu-Ray. And, of course, I’ve never seen Perfect Creature. |
John’s Pick:Perfect Creature
You know what would be the perfect movie? Daniel Craig’s James Bond dropped into the vampire-ruled universe of Perfect Creature. Casino Royale brought a dangerous Bond back into being, but suffered from an adversary that wasn’t nearly as dangerous as some nasty Vampire Overlords. Perfect Creature wins. |
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| Round Two Winner: Perfect Creature |
Bracket Two
| Superbad vs. Puzzlehead |
Lisa’s Pick: Puzzlehead
Superbad is raunchier than Puzzlehead. Superbad is slicker than Puzzlehead. Superbad has a better known pedigree than Puzzlehead. But, Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen, and a tidal wave of dick drawings doesn’t make Superbad a better movie than Puzzlehead. Unless you’re a 13 year old boy, which I’m not. |
Brian’s Pick: Superbad
I like a cool indie science fiction film as much as the next guy, but haven’t we kind of seen Puzzlehead before? The same thing might be said for the teen coming-of-age-in-one-day comedy, but with the addition of two words: “done poorly.” For every Ferris Bueller, there are seven thousand Can’t Hardly Waits (and they’re all resting peacefully at the bottom of Wal-Mart’s $2 DVD bin). But Superbad introduced the Friday night torture porn generation to smart, hilarious, insightful movies about virginal geek frustration. Plus, dick drawings. |
John’s Pick: Puzzlehead
What the hell is Superbad doing in the Tourney, anyway? Puzzlehead wins. |
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| Round Two Winne: Puzzlehead |
| Justice League: The New Frontier vs. Ratatouille |
Lisa’s Pick: Justice League: The New Frontier
I am the Remy in my family. I often try to be the Batman too, but usually wind up hitting my head on a doorjamb (how is this different than every other time I hit my head on a doorjamb? Duh. I’m wearing a cape). Ratatouille is more visually arresting than New Frontier (and has chubby cutie Patton Oswalt), but it doesn’t hold up with story. Rat’s B-story, the story with the food critic, felt tacked on to add to the running time. New Frontier doesn’t suffer from that and has the added benefit of making me want to throw on a cape. |
Brian’s Pick: Ratatouille
Justice League: The New Frontier is what happens when heavy-handed Cold War allegory, Silver Age superhero fetishization, and the best Korean animation your budget will allow collide. Darwyne Cook’s drawings are pretty, but the writing sure isn’t. And treating your comic book cartoons like Michael Bay flashbacks does not equal epic. Ratatouille, on the other hand, is a story about a rat who really likes to cook. Though the premise may sound even more ridiculous than men in unitards who are afraid of the color yellow, the movie itself is distilled happiness. |
John’s Pick: Justice League: The New Frontier
I love Pixar movies. I love everything Brad Bird does. And I love Patton Oswalt’s comedy. So why didn’t I love Ratatouille? The animation is top-notch, and the story is excellent right up until it ends. Then it doesn’t end – but goes on in some sort of sadly misplaced B-story concerning a food critic that felt like it should have happened somewhere before it did. Justice League suffers from missing big chunks of the original story, which were cut out in order to keep the movie from being four hours long. I don’t know if my being aware of those missing bits made New Frontier hold together better than it actually did, but New Frontier gets my vote. |
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| Round Two Winner: Justice League: The New Frontier |
| The Bourne Ultimatum vs. Hellboy: Blood and Iron |
Lisa’s Pick: Hellboy: Blood and Iron
Jason Bourne is the Rasputin of the CIA, or whatever agency he worked for when he became “Jason Bourne” in a name changing ceremony that was stupider than the time Ani Skywalker changed his name to Darth Vader. That’s what the schmuck gets for blindly trusting his country. I’d like to see Hellboy shoot him in the head with the Samaritan. Let’s see Jason Bourne get up from that. Blood and Iron had a more innovative narrative structure, and oddly, a more believable main character. |
Brian’s Pick: The Bourne Ultimatum
Who knew watching Matt Damon running around bashing skulls would be so damned entertaining? Every scene in The Bourne Ultimatum is another excuse not to hit the pause button. And after all that shaky cam and karate chopping, I get to hear Albert Finney’s gravel-choked growl? That’s what I call dessert. Hellboy: Blood and Iron is entertaining and all, but The Bourne Ultimatum is an experience for your adrenal gland. |
John’s Pick: Hellboy: Blood and Iron
I have no relationship with Jason Bourne, as Bourne Ultimatum is the first of the series that I’ve bothered to see. However, I do have a longstanding relationship with Mike Mignola’s Hellboy – from his first appearance in John Byrne’s Next Men comic back in the 1990′s, through his numerous mini-series and trades, right up through his first live-action flick a couple of years back. I expect Hellboy to make ridiculous leaps through the air, so it’s not a big deal when he does so. However, when Jason Bourne jumped over several city blocks to land in the river, it ensured that he would be jumping his way right out of this tourney. Hellboy wins. |
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| Round Two Winner: Hellboy: Blood and Iron |
| Serenity vs. Death Proof |
Lisa’s Pick: Serenity
Death Proof addressed some interesting topics regarding women in horror and the historical place of guys like Stuntman Mike, but Serenity’s genre blending is far more interesting. |
Brian’s Pick: Serenity
This isn’t fair. Sure, I’m a little tired of Tarantino just rehashing his ‘70s influences bit for bit. Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown take the jangly jive of grindhouse cinema and alchemically transform them into something new, but watching Kill Bill or Death Proof is like watching a really good impressionist. Still, Tarantino’s impressions are better than most people’s originals. But Serenity doesn’t play fair what with all those episodes of Firefly securing my emotional investment. And I have this fantasy-don’t know if it’s true-that after watching Serenity in his home multiplex, George Lucas felt a little poke in the eyes. |
John’s Pick: Serenity
Death Proof may be my favorite Tarantino film since Pulp Fiction (and True Romance before that). Kurt Russell has never been Pliskinier, and the girls kick butt. But Joss Whedon’s sci-fi vision of the future also has girls that kick butt, and space zombies too.
Serenity wins. |
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| Round Two Winner: Serenity |
Check back tomorrow for part two of Round Two!
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![Beowulf (Director's Cut) [HD DVD]](http://www.pinkraygun.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/31qnlgnnkzl.jpg)
![Justice League - The New Frontier (Combo HD DVD and Standard DVD) [HD DVD]](http://www.pinkraygun.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/215vrwvh0sl.jpg)
Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
