Battlestar Galactica
Star TrekStargate:AtlantisFirefly
Presenting Round One of the 2008 Pink Raygun Association of Associated Movie Watchers. . . Associated Tournament! It’s rough and tumble this round, with PRGAAMWA judges Lisa, Brian, and John ripping through movies, casting some aside that they’d rather see move on, and grudgingly allowing others to move forward due to the luck of random seeding.
For any movie to move on to Round Two, it needs at least two out of three votes.
Bracket One
| Resident Evil: Extinction vs. Futurama: Bender’s Big Score |
Lisa’s Pick: Futurama
The Derelict fashion show or Frye’s cartoon butt? The paradox of Bender’s time travel made more sense than an army of Alice. |
Brian’s Pick: Futurama
I’m no fan of Futurama (go ahead, hate me), but who keeps going to these Resident Evil movies? Milla Jovovich’s finesse with a gun aside, I’ll take the alcoholic robot over the overproduced zombie porridge. |
John’s Pick: Futurama
Although Resident Evil: Apocalypse did feature Milla Jovavich wearing pleather chaps and short-shorts, Bender’s time-traveling, shiny, metal ass takes this round. |
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| Round One Winner: Futurama |
| Transformers v. Planet Terror |
Lisa’s Pick: Planet Terror
The actual Transformers didn’t show up until halfway through the movie, while Planet Terror didn’t waste any time whipping out the zombies. And they didn’t waste any time eating a stripper’s leg. |
Brian’s Pick: Planet Terror
Alien vehicle-bots are loud when they punch each other, and Shia LaBeouf could charm his way through a murder scene. But there be stump guns and squishy ball-BQ in that there Grindhouse. |
John’s Pick: Planet Terror
What’s not to love about giant robots fighting other giant robots? Unfortunately, Transformers felt like a pointless, over-the-top Michael Bay movie - because it was. Planet Terror was also over-the-top, but at least it featured Quentin Tarantino in the role of “Rapist #1.” |
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| Round One Winner: Planet Terror |
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| Sunshine v. Ghost Rider |
Lisa’s Pick: Sunshine
Since when is Blackheart a whiny goth punk? Least threatening devil spawn ever. |
Brian’s Pick: Sunshine
One of these is a quasi-trippy space opera with a mentally-challenged third act. And the other is Ghost Rider. |
John’s Pick: Sunshine
How is it possible with hundreds of people working at all levels of making a movie that nobody notices that the second half just plain sucks? Both of these movies surprised me with their first acts, then left me looking at my watch while I waited for them to just be over. At least Sunshine aimed for something more than being a video game brought to life. |
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| Round One Winner: Sunshine |
| The Simpsons Movie v. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon |
Lisa’s Pick: Behind the Mask
Homer makes me weep for that which I once loved. Leslie Vernon is a different take on the quasi-supernatural, masked serial killer thing, while The Simpons is more of the same, only with Bart’s winkle. |
Brian’s Pick: Behind the Mask
If I wanted to watch the lifeless walking corpse of something what once was the definition of wonderfulness… Wait, I would never want to do that. |
John’s Pick: Behind the Mask
I heard all sorts of great things about The Simpsons Movie before I saw it, while I knew absolutely nothing about Leslie Vernon when we snatched it off the rental shelf. A shame, really. Behind the Mask deserved more notice than it received. |
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| Round One Winner: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon |
| Beowulf v. Stardust |
Lisa’s Pick: Stardust
So, I like magic and true love and shooting stars and whoopsy sky pirates. Shut up. I can like a sweet romantic fantasy if I want to. |
Brian’s Pick: Beowulf
Stardust made me wonder where all the Princess Brides have gone. And Beowulf made me wonder about the future of technology in the world of movie– SWEET CHRIST, THAT CRISPIN GLOVER BEAST IS DROOLING ON ME IN GLORIOUS 3-D! |
John’s Pick: Beowulf
Both of these Neil Gaiman scripted movies deserve to go deep into the tourney, but alas, only one can survive. Beowulf surprised me with it’s updated version of the epic poem, adding real human drama and a strong Arthurian vibe that I simply didn’t expect. Stardust put on it’s fanciest Princess Bride outfit and was utterly charming. However, Stardust stumbled when it went for the broad comedy (suddenly sagging breasts, DeNiro’s campy Pirate Queen). Too bad - against almost anything else in this bracket, Stardust coulda been a contendah. |
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| Round One Winner: Beowulf |
| Bridge to Terabithia v. 28 Weeks Later |
Lisa’s Pick: 28 Weeks Later
Both show that kids screw things up, but only one has a helicopter being used as a giant sized weed whacker to mow down zombies. |
Brian’s Pick: Bridge to Terabithia
Sometimes horror can be grainy, allegorical, and oh-so-British, but does anyone ever need an hour long chase scene? And so what if the American public seems unhealthily obsessed with mediocre preteen fantasy novels? |
John’s Pick: Bridge to Terabithia
Bridge to Terabithia’s heart made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, while 28 Weeks Later’s nihilistic tone made me want to wear black sweaters and smoke unfiltered French cigarettes. |
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| Round One Winner: Bridge to Terabithia |
| The Matrix v. Casino Royale |
Lisa’s Pick: Casino Royale
Keanu in black patent leather or Daniel Craig in very brief swim trunks? Wet. Trinity tagging along or Judi Dench lamenting the resolution of the Cold War? |
Brian’s Pick: Casino Royale
The Matrix was quotable, notable, and quite enjoyable, but the dialog is Lucas-ian in its wooden obtuseness. Plus, that blonde Bond washed the bitter wang of invisible cars and Halle Berry’s “acting” out of my brain. |
John’s Pick: Casino Royale
Last year’s champ faces off with what may be the best Bond since Connery. While the Matrix was amazing, it’s sequels devolved into a self-referential mess. Daniel Craig’s Bond just may have reinvigorated the Bond franchise, and he did it without once resorting to vinyl overcoats or bullet-time. |
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| Round One Winner: Casino Royale |
| The Host v. Perfect Creature |
Lisa’s Pick: Perfect Creature
I dig monsters and I loved The Host. I also dig an alternate New Zealand where vampires are the priesthood and Zeppelins abound. Perfect Creature shows vampires I haven’t seen before, one of whom is Dougray Scott. |
Brian’s Pick: The Host
The Host is a stupid monster movie with something to say about the state of both world affairs and the intrinsic melancholy of the existential human condition. And I’ve never seen Perfect Creature. |
John’s Pick: Perfect Creature
Host drops a wicked-cool creature (seriously, one of the better realized monsters in memory - you hear that, Cloverfield?) into a Korean family drama, and all hell breaks loose. Perfect Creature created an entire alternate reality where the vampire rules and humans give blood-tithes to their rulers. |
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| Round One Winner: Perfect Creature |
Bracket Two
| Superbad v. Daywatch |
Lisa’s Pick: Superbad
I don’t like to see my favorite books raped for film. |
Brian’s Pick: Superbad
Sometimes I draw dicks. |
John’s Pick: Daywatch
The best part of Superbad was the ending where it found heart, and the end-credits, where it found dicks. The best part of Daywatch was the ending - but only because I was glad that the biggest disappointment I’ve experienced in film this last year was finally over. However, Superbad has absolutely no genre cred, and doesn’t deserve to advance. |
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| Round One Winner: Superbad |
| Puzzlehead v. Ladron Que Roba a Ladron |
Lisa’s Pick: Puzzlehead
The hardcore sci-fi tale of a man and his android finding love and self-identity is a hard sell for modern audiences, but it’s far more interesting than a heist. It’s also a better movie. |
Brian’s Pick: Puzzlehead
Ladron Que Roba a Ladron is a Frankenstein’s monster of Ocean’s 11 witty and Quentin Tarantino cool. Puzzlehead, on the other hand, is a Frankenstein’s monster. |
John’s Pick: Puzzlehead
Puzzlehead was a quiet film about love and jealousy, told through the device of a Frankenstein-type monster. Ladron was your classic heist film with Latin-America twists. Ladron left my head shortly after watching it, but imagery from Puzzlehead stays with me. |
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| Round One Winner: Puzzlehead |
| Justice League: New Frontier v. Superman Returns |
Lisa’s Pick: New Frontier
Kate Bosworth isn’t Lois Lane. Lucy Lawless is totally Wonder Woman. |
Brian’s Pick: New Frontier
Overblown? Yes. Disappointing? Yes. Lavishly devoted to trivial minutia? Yes. Kyle MacLachlan as the Man of Steel? Obviously. |
John’s Pick: New Frontier
As exciting as it was to see Superman…uhhh…return, it was way more exciting to see my favorite comic of the last ten years or so brought to life. |
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| Round One Winner: Justice League: The New Frontier |
| Earthstorm v. Ratatouille |
Lisa’s Pick: Ratatouille
I’m riveted by lunar theory and Ming the Pissy - Earthstorm was better than any Sci Fi Original Movie has a right to be. But, Patton Oswalt and food trumps Dirk Benedict and a crumbling Moon. |
Brian’s Pick: Ratatouille
Ratatouille is a beautifully realized warm blanket for your entire being. Earthstorm stars Stephen Baldwin. |
John’s Pick: Ratatouille
Patton Oswalt as a rat versus the original Starbuck (Dirk Benedict) as a science-y rat-fcuk. No contest. |
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| Round One Winner: Ratatouille |
| Bourne Ultimatum v. Spider-Man 3 |
Lisa’s Pick: The Bourne Ultimatum
Jason Bourne could have disposed of Sandman, Venom, and Baby Green Goblin a lot faster than Spider-Man did and then jumped four blocks into the East River without the webbing. |
Brian’s Pick: The Bourne Ultimatum
Watching Spider-Man 3 made me feel like Rain Man in an airport. Give me more shaky Damon. |
John’s Pick: The Bourne Ultimatum
Spider-Man was awesome. Spider-Man 2 was twice as awesome. Spider-Man 3 was lame beyond belief. It’s like Sam Raimi made this film just to fulfill his contract (I blame Avi Arad for forcing Raimi to use the character Venom against his will). Even lamer than Jason Bourne’s inexplicable leap from a rooftop to a river that’s located a couple of blocks away. |
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| Round One Winner: The Bourne Ultimatum |
| Hellboy: Blood and Iron v. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix |
Lisa’s Pick: Hellboy
Talk about an exploration of Lisa’s weird attractions. I love Alan Rickman as Snape - OoP needed a lot more Snape. I also love Ron Perlman’s voice - Perlman doing the audiobook for Eats, Shoots, & Leaves would be really hot. |
Brian’s Pick: Harry Potter
I heart Hellboy, but not minimum wage Korean animators. Thank Dumbledore that The Order of the Phoenix’s screenwriter slapped the book on a George Foreman grill and knocked that fat right out. |
John’s Pick: Hellboy
I love the Harry Potter books, and I’ve loved the films. However, after the awesomeness of Alfonso Cuarón’s “Prisoner of Azkaban,” each successive entry feels somewhat lacking. And what the hell is going on with Emma Watson’s forehead these days? Now Hellboy has forehead issues of his own, and the Blood and Iron film did some clever things with having one story being told going forward while the other is told in reverse. |
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| Round One Winner: Hellboy: Blood and Iron |
| Serenity v. Zodiac |
Lisa’s Pick: Serenity
The Zodiac Killer makes me thank the five fists of science for modern forensics. But, Serenity is my new Star Wars. |
Brian’s Pick: Serenity
David Fincher will never live up to Fight Club, but Wash will never live again. One of these makes me infinitely sadder. |
John’s Pick: Serenity
Another tough choice. Serenity is…well, it’s Serenity! The Firefly cast brought to life on the big screen. Zodiac was a police procedural with an amazing cast and performances. But, c’mon, it’s Serenity. |
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| Round One Winner: Serenity |
| Death Proof v. 30 Days of Night |
Lisa’s Pick: Death Proof
If you read the 30 Days of Night comic, you really don’t need to see the movie. There’s nothing new there, except Eben and Stella on the rocks for no reason and a death scene that was more moving on paper than it was on screen. |
Brian’s Pick: Death Proof
Question: Might Kurt Russell and his murder car have run over any trace of Josh Hartnett’s personality? Answer: Josh Hartnett never had a personality. |
John’s Pick: Death Proof
I went into Death Proof expecting more Tarantino-hipper-than-thou, but instead I was treated to a story with substance and subtlety, even if it did showcase the goriest multi-shot car accident I’ve ever seen. I went into 30 Days of Night expecting a faithful adaptation of Steve Niles’ comic, and ended up getting goth-y, emo music swelling over an in-your-face, do you get it, huh, do you? type of ending. Death Proof drives away with this one. |
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| Round One Winner: Death Proof |
Check back tomorrow for Round One - Part Two when we determine the winners in brackets three and four!Never miss an update. Subscribe to Pink Raygun by Email or subscribe via RSS
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